....except for maybe the new scars I have now added to my long ass repetoire. Yes I know I shouldnt have let it get to me but I did. Yesterday was our anniversary and he didnt even bhother to call. And me being as busy as I have been with eervything going on like bday parties and a homecoming crowning i didnt notice until today. Then thats when i just couldnt take it any more. I know everyones been trying to hlpe but sometimes it just aint enough and today it just wasnt enough....im so sad...and i feel so alone when I have no reason to be because I know I have tons of people who care about me, and others who just dont even notice....

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im so depressed right now....i dont even know what to write about but the fact that im sad...and those thoughts im not supposed to think about...welll....im thinking them....

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Well I posted a shout on the box and said that anyone who could help me make my site look bunches better would get some of my pps.....so yeah lets see why does my back hurt...well been helping my auntie move the people she cleans house for and theres is so much stuff and for the past two days we've been working on the garage and there is so much crap i swear!....and he didnt call like he said but im not going to stress about it. I told our mutual friend to give him a message and if he wants he can get back to me. So yeah ive spent a lot of time thinking about things but i aint thinking too much. thats never good. Well i made dinner tonight...not a hard dinner just friend potatoes and mac n cheese. But hey i do cook other things lol....anyways what else to talk about....idk aint got much so ....

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Its so very interesting the things you think about when your not with someone. Like today will be the 3rd day that i have not seen josh. It would have been the 3rd day of no call or anything too had I not called and left a message on his phone. But it seems to me that im only a convienient girlfriend/fiance. Im all good when im there with him and everything but when Im not there im not important enough to call and let me know whats going on. It makes me feel as though he could be doing things behind my back. And yes i have trust issues but for damn good reasons. He knows I have problems with it so why can't he take two seconds and call? Sometimes I think hes not ready for me and all that I can give him just yet. That or he just doesnt want to be in a relationship period. Which if that is the case....then I dont know. He should just be a man and come right out and tell me. Thats what i would do. Im not the type to do something i dont wanna do. I'll let you know loud and clear I don't want to do it. he acts like it's me thats doing something wrong.....like today when he called my cell he left a message and was like "I guess ur out runniing around with someone ill try and call you later.".....ummm yeah me run around?....not likely. I should just for the hell of it so he knows what its like not to get ahold of someone or not hear from someone for a change. I just dont think he knows what it feels like. And if I did the unthinkable and left and went to california he would see what it was like to miss someone you completely are in love with and I dont think he would do it to me anymore. But hey! that might be wishful thinking on my part. But hey! you cant live without dreams right?! so anyways thats what i been thinking....

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Gerrr this one works and my xanga dont thats so retarded but no one and i mena no one reads this anymore and none of the lil buddies i made write nemore either so whatevber

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"Im having a little trouble turning my frown upside down these days."....~sigh~I guess that could be true, except for when Im at work and I have to smile. You can't work at Wal-Mart and not smile. You have to thats like 50% of your job! But yeah anyways, I don't know Im just like feeling completely down right now. Im so drained and my body hurts so much.I feel like whenever I just wanna talk or just be with someone, they aren't there. And me I do everything to be there for someone. I feel completley forgotten. And Im so out of touch with my own best friend. But everytime we talk it's the same old stuff. It's different living 3000 miles away from eachother not being 5 miles away or a phone call away and knowing what the other is doing ever day or so.I miss having that and I miss feeling wanted. I know Im loved, I don't know that anyone is still In love with me. Who would want to be? I have the most fucked up hormones. Like for insatnce right now, I seriously want to cry, and I did cry while I was on the phone with Dimplez while she sat there and said I love you to me over and over again....and I....I said nothing....I cried....why did i do that? hell if I know but I know I pushed myself further away from her.I think Im fighting for something I can never have and never should have thought I could have. I don't know, I really don't. I love two people heart and soul, and theres no mistaking it and I hope they both know it.But the cover may seem much simpler than what lies beneath all of that. And what lies beneath I can't begin to imagine how to untangle and figure out....gawd!!!!! I hate this all I wanna do is talk with her....and I can't....maybe if I wasn't such a pessimistic bitch I'd be talking with her right now~cry~

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