ha...more like the best entry NEVER!


-the end-

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Maybe...sometimes....all you need to do is have some patience..and wait. Even if there is a good chance that you may never experience the outcome you desire....from where I am currently sitting...waiting seems worth it.


Let's see what happens.....

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It is hard to explain the way I have been feeling this past week or so. I'm not sad really...I feel somewhat at ease and comfortable at times.....however, all of my moods are tinted with an underlying emptiness. I am sort of drifting from place to place as the days pass me by.....I find myself daydreaming more often than usual...just staring off into space....It feels like if just one major thing changed in my life....I would be totally happy...but instead....the lack of a certain something has left me apathetically empty

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Only one class stands between me and the end of my first week of the semester. Assessment??? Well, it's been ok I guess. About as ok as class can ever be. This semester is going to be really heavy in reading....who knows how much of it I will actually read...time will tell.....until then, here is a funny notion: damn, I realized that after I typed "here is a funny notion" that I have absolutely no funny notions in mind....oh well...maybe next time

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Today is the first day of the spring semester....well for me at least...not much to report....I've just been hanging out with my friends a lot lately...I cannot believe winter break is over already...time has a way of slipping through your fingers...no point in saying how much schoolwork pisses me off....people who have read by blogs in the past already know my feelings on the subject....so I guess all that is left to say is: I can't wait for the next fifteen weekends....especially the one that starts summer vacation

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Ok. For anyone who has been reading my blog over the last few months...I'd like to tell you all a little story. Let me take you back to about 22 months ago:


I decide to randomly IM a girl who had posted something on my myspace page...a girl that I didn't even know...but she was a friend of a friend at high school. We start to talk...more and more as time goes on. We ask each other questions and we learn as much about each other as possible before actually hanging out in person. After a few more days go by....we meet at a high school baseball game with a mutual friend. I think we both feel potential...especially me. A day or so later...I ask her if she would like to come over to watch a movie. The next day...we hang out together at Lake Waterford. I think this was the day we both realized we liked each other. Another day or so passes and I ask her out...and believe it or not...she said "yes." Our relationship gets better and better from this point on. Because we live so close to one another...we spend a lot of time together. I asked her to her prom before she even agreed to go out with me. Prom night was probably the only time I ever had fun at a dance...and it was only because I was with her. As time continues to pass....I realized that her feelings for me were moving much faster than mine for her. I've always been the type of guy who was afraid of expressing his emotions...so it took me awhile to say what I wanted to say. I found out that she was in love with me several months before I was ready to say the same thing in return. However, the more time we spent together...the more sure I became that I was in love with this girl. Then, the night before she left for Towson....she actually came out and told me that she loved me for the first time...and you know what? I said it back....I won't lie, it was really hard for me to put myself out there like that...but I knew it was worth it to tell the truth. This marked the first major turning point in our relationship.

From this night on, I realized I was crazy about this girl. She was crazy about me too...I always loved how she told me how much I meant to her. Every conversation...every phone call...every letter...I could tell that she was deeply in love with me. The bad part was that I felt the same way about her...and I was too afraid to come out and say it. I tried my best to convey my feelings through actions rather than words...but I don't think it was ever enough. I had a bad habit of making stupid jokes that I knew upset her...and saying things I didn't mean when I was feeling hurt. However, this was not something I did all the time...most of the time we were both really happy. In fact, two months before she broke up with me...she showed me something she wrote in her journal. It was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. The entry was all about how much she was truly in love with me...and how she was 100 percent sure that we were meant to be together. This is the moment that I should have came out of my emotional shell...I should have told her that I felt the same way about her. Instead, all I did was tell her that I loved her and that the email made me really happy. I think this marked the next major turning point in our relationship.


As my first semester of UMBC and her second year at Towson began...we both started to become stressed with job/school related issues. We would get in stupid little arguments that we easily could have resolved. The sad part is...during this time...my feelings didn't change for her...but hers changed for me. This is where everything turns ugly...


Apparently, she had been having second thoughts about us for about a month or so...and she never told me. She would always tell me how important it was for me to tell her how I felt...that it was really important to be open. Well, I agree with her...and I'm a different person now. I'm not afraid of putting myself out there anymore...I'm not afraid of making myself vulnerable. It just took me awhile to get that under control. But you know what? Her not telling me about her having second thoughts is the same as me not always being open with her. So what happens now? Well...I had no reason to believe that our relationship was in trouble...it just felt like we were going through a rough patch because of school...so we decide to rent a cabin in January...and I decide to buy her a ring for her birthday....she already knew she was having second thoughts, but she let me do both of these things anyway....she may not have known I was getting her a ring, but she had a pretty good idea. So the day before her birthday, I give her the ring...and she cried and told me that "I was the best boyfriend ever." This was probably one of the best days of my life. However, the next day we got into a big argument...we both were upset...and we both did/said some things that we shouldn't have done/said...especially me. I drove off in frustration and left her standing outside her house...and on her birthday no less. This was probably the worst I ever felt about something I did....I was upset...and I made a mistake....not a day goes by that I wish I can't take that night back...but guess what? I can't....so anyway...the next morning when I call her...she tells me over the phone that she wants a break. After listening to me fall apart...she decides to ignore the rest of my calls for the day.....I wanted to see her in person before she went back to Towson for the week. Instead, she ignored all of my phone calls. She even texted me and told me to stop calling until she was back in Towson. The only way I got to see her before she left was to drive over to her house and sit in my cold car for an hour...hoping she would come home first before leaving. Luckily for me...she did come home...unluckily for me...her mind was made up. She told me she wanted a break and nothing I could do/say could change her mind.


Over the next week or so....I told her all of the things I was too afraid to say before...that I was crazy about her...and that I felt the same way about her that she always said she felt about me. I told her that I'd give anything to have a second chance...a chance to be more open. To be honest, I never thought this chance would come my way...so I tried my best to be her friend. She told me that she had feelings for another guy...an ex boyfriend. She planned on asking him out in the near future. Guess what? This isn't the end of the story...


After about two months...I got a random text message....she told me she was upset and I asked if she wanted me to come over and talk. She said "that would be nice." So when I get there...we take a walk together outside...and she tells me that she is still in love with me and that she wants to give us a serious second chance. I repeatedly asked her if she was sure...and if she was really serious...she said yes. So after two days go by...just enough time for me to remember all of the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place....she tells me that the spark in our relationship did not come back. She told me she was only acting the part because she wanted the feelings to return. Over the course of the two days...she constantly told me that she was really happy that we were back together...and that she wished the past two months would just go away. Apparently, the only reason she said these things was because she wanted them to be true...not because they were true...This wasn't all....she also told me that she had lied several times over the course of our relationship. These were big lies...things she swore "on us" were true at one time. Things like the fact that she had feelings for this other guy while we were still going out...she even held his hand before she broke up with me. Now, I wouldn't call this cheating...but it's definitely betrayal at the very least. So here I was again...only this time...I was more hurt than the first time she broke up with me.


So let me sum everything up....we met...she fell in love with me first...I fell in love with her next...she told me she was 100 percent sure that we were meant to be together....my feelings for her got stronger every day...hers start to fade...she doesn't tell me...she breaks up with me out of nowhere...she lied to me many times...she held another guy's hand while we were still together....she came back...told me she still loved me...told me she was really happy and that she missed us...then she breaks my heart two days later....and I find out that I was just the guy she used to see if her feelings for this other guy were real. So guess what??? I have every fucking reason to be pissed beyond all imagination...but you know...I'm not mad at her at all...I don't blame her for anything she did....you cannot help how you feel....I know she never hurt me on purpose...but she did fucking hurt me...a whole lot....and I'm still crazy about her...and it fucking hurts...I won't lie....so forgive me if I say some things that I don't mean....forgive me if I make some incorrect assumptions about a guy who I don't even know....I even tried to apologize to him...and he just called me a dick and threw it back in my face. Well...I'm not going to be mad at him either...I don't even know the guy....All I can say is that I'm starting to wonder if being a "good guy" will ever pay off...all I have left is a broken heart...a great group of friends and family..and a blog to convey my feelings. I'm sorry if I say anything that hurts someones feelings...but you know what? All things considered...I think I'm handling the situation pretty well. I refuse to let the mistakes of the person I'm in love with change how I feel. Did I write all of this because I think she is a bad person? Definitely not…believe it or not…I think she is a great person…she never meant to hurt anyone…The time has come for me to move on...but I will never stop being her friend...no matter how much it may hurt. I'm willing to take the hit....I just hope she is willing to be friends after all this...especially now that the person she loves more or less hates me...oh well....all I have left to say is....I hope she is happy...no matter how cliche that sounds....


P.S. Anyone who read this entire entry...I'm amazed...I don't even want to read it...and I wrote the damn thing

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