For today's QuoteOfDarkSunglasses, I thought that I would provide you all with an uplifting motivational quote from the movie Forrest Gump. But I know that not everyone on nuTang is the same, and there is no one quote that will be able to motivate everyone here. Thus, I am distributing different quotes based on your personality type.

If you are a happy person who loves cute little metaphors, please refer to section A. If you are a dark, mysterious type of person, who holds a sever distaste for life and happiness, please refer to section B. Thank you.


Section A
"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
-Forrest Gump

Section B
"Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a Peanut Butter Cup or an English Toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box... filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
- The Cigarette Smoking Man (The X-Files)

Truly inspiring.

Thank you, that is all.

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Do you want to be RICH NOW?
A short film I came across during my usual nomadic wanderings across the web:

120 Seconds to Get Elected
I'm not quite sure why the producers only decided to use this speech for a short film... as far as I can see, they have some excellent material for a perfectly viable American Presidential campaign.

Thank you, that is all.

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One of the many computer games that I like to play is "Second Life", a massively-multiplayer online game. Basically, the idea behind it is that you can do anything you want in the SL world. You can make your own clothes, build your own house, construct your own car, run your own business, and just about anything else that you can think of. If you're good at it, you can sell what you make and use the money to buy things from other players, or trade in the game credits for real money. Or, if you're not good at it, you can spend your own real money to buy in-game credits.

What a glorious concept! A whole new level of human communication and experience, achieved through the wonders of the world-wide-web! Just imagine all of the possibilities offered by such an interactive world!

Indeed, people have thrown the full force of their imaginations into it, and come up with some very interesting creations and venues. For example, people have created genitalia-shapes to attach to their waists in-game. Oh, and beds that animate two players in sexual positions and motions. And stripclubs! Lots and lots of stripclubs.

In fact, the strip club, gambling and escort service markets probably make up the majority of the SL economy. When I looked for a job in-game, it was almost impossible to find any non-sexual paid positions among the multitude of "HOT GIRLS NEEDED NOW!" and "BIG BOOBS CASINO IS NOW HIRING ESCORTS DANCERS AND OTHER GENERIC DEMEANING POSITIONS" advertisements. Of course, my male gender didn't help much, because the truth is that most of people who attend these clubs (and probably a few of the women who dance in them) are actually guys.

Yeah, humanity took the unlimited potential of this new frontier and basically... well, we basically screwed it... in the most literal sense of the word. It kind of makes you wonder what the world would be like if people really had that kind of creative power in real life.

Anyway, lecherous perversions aside, I elected not to run my game character through an amateur sex change, although those $5/hour stripper jobs (plus tips!) were certainly tempting. Instead, I opened up a sunglasses store (no, I'm not joking). And surprisingly, despite their complete lack of sexual usefulness, the shades actually seem to be selling pretty well.

Perhaps there's hope for humanity after all.

Thank you, that is all.

PS: If you want to join Second Life, its free here (and yeah, I'll get a few points as you're referrer). I'm "Kadre North" in game, drop me a line and I'll help you get started.

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The beginning of winter was exceptionally warm here on the east coast. So warm, in fact, that mother nature apparently felt bad about forcing us to endure so much sunlight. The guilt finally seemed to penetrate her barren heart this week. As an apology, she decided to spend this entire week compensating for her mistake by dumping more cold on us than we could ever want or deserve. However, at the moment, I look favorably upon our plummeting temperatures because:

A) It's more like normal winter. We seem to have staved off disastrous global cooling for another year, which is good because I can continue to tell myself that "global climate change" is just another piece of absurd liberal propaganda disseminated by a conspiracy dedicated to boosting Al Gore's movie sales.
-and-
B) I'm going skiing this weekend, and temperatures have been low enough for the mountains to keep the snowguns rollin' all week.

Many of you have probably never experienced the adrenaline rush that comes from tearing down a mountain at high speed with one or two sleds strapped to your feet. The rest of you probably have experienced it, and you've probably experienced it with only one foot-sled. Yeah, you're probably all snowboarders.

So, why do I continue to use skis when all of the other whippersnappers my age have moved to snowboarding? Snowboarding makes doing tricks easy, and it looks cooler. How could I resist such a clearly awesome trend?

Well, I would say that I'm an individual and I'm fighting the man. Unfortunately, however, I'm a spineless conformist. I would tell you that I'm afraid of the dangers inherent in learning a new sport, but as we all know I have no fear.

The truth is, I'd like to conform to snowboarding, I'm just too lazy. Thus, I've elected to wait for skis to finally lose the war against snowboards and go out of style... so they can reemerge a few years from now as that sport that only a few awesome people still know how to play, like telemark skiing. Then I can conform to the trend of being different, and at the same time fulfill my instinctual laziness.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to trend-set.

Thank you, that is all.

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At some point or another, we've all felt it. That brief sense of admiration, or that sharp tinge of jealousy that comes from noticing someone who is significantly cooler than oneself. It is a psychological phenomenon universally manifested throughout all cultures of mankind, and according to recent studies is most often elicited by people wearing dark sunglasses.

A truly good pair of dark sunglasses will announce to the world "I know much of life and wisdom, but I'm sure as hell not about to share any of that knowledge with you." This is perfect for the average citizen who suffers from complete ignorance in regard to life and wisdom.

However, as powerful as dark sunglasses are, one needs skill and practice to wield them effectively. When not operated under the careful supervision of a trained connoisseur of dark spectacles, they can backfire and ultimately wind up communicating an accurate sense of your true personality (not a good thing).

Thus, out of pity for all the nude faces out there, I have decided to put together this brief guide to help you all avoid a few common rookie mistake and make the most of your dark shades. Please read carefully.

Lesson One: The Sunglasses
An integral part of your image will come from the actual sunglasses which you choose to wear. This decision presents you with two choices. You may elect to wear a simple pair of retro "dark" sunglasses (pictured on left), or you may opt to go for a more exotic pair of mirrored shades (pictured on the right).

<------------------->
WARNING: Under no circumstances should you attempt to wear sunglasses that contain even the slightest trace of a lighter color. This will be perceived by others as indicative of a meek personality (which we cannot allow them to realize you have). See example below.


Pictured Above: Kim Jong Il, tyrannical leader of communist North Korea.
The dictator's recent decline in popularity among Americans has been
largely attributed to his taste in eyewear.

Lesson Two: The Background Music
An integral part of the dark sunglasses experience is the background music. You may have noticed that in every movie which portrays cool people wearing darkened shades, there is always some sort of cool theme song in the background. Note the below example, from the movie Reservoir Dogs:


Adding background music to one's life is no easy task. Ideally, you would carry a boombox with you set to loop some sort of cool movie soundtrack. However, due to the impracticality of this option, most connoisseurs of dark sunglasses train themselves to enter rooms only when music is already playing in the background, or otherwise wait for someone to turn on some appropriate music before making their entrance.

Lesson Three: The Badass-Factor
The hardest part of the dark sunglasses act is to pull off the Badass-Factor, or "badassedness" if you will. Your dark sunglasses will make you look cooler, but its no free ride. In order to unleash their full potential, you're going to have to prove yourself worthy. The best way to do this is through some sort of bad-ass unrealistic stunt, or "Badass-Factor" as we professionals like to call it.

Below is an example of a good action badass-factor for novice sunglassites. Note the skillful incorporation of background music (as per lesson 2).


This concludes today's lesson. If you wish to learn more about the wonderful world of sunglasses, drop by your local movie rental and pick up a copy of The Matrix. Just make sure its the original, because the rest of the trilogy sucks.

Thank you, that is all.

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This weekend's message of inspirational life-lessons, brought to you by MoDS:



Thank you, that is all.

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