[sarcasm]
i like how sometimes everything turns into my fault.
no matter what it is.
even if its not my problem.
it's my fault.

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i already tried so hard that i don't even have time for anything else but this. i pushed myself to an extent that has started to make me feel sick. i don't have any motivation to put any sort of effort into anything anymore... especially school. why try to put out my best efforts in assignments when all my professors are going to do is stick all my hard work up my ass? they obviously think i'm wasting their time and it's pretty evident in the grades they give me, so why should i continue to waste my time for that bs? i don't get why after i completely fail a test my professors try to keep me in there and how can they not understand why i would want to drop the class in the first place. i feel like everyone is feeding me bullshit. i feel like no one is sincerely trying to help with anything in my life. i can't try anymore when i've been broken down to an extent that can't be put back together anymore.

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1. my dad is "counting on me" to finish grad school in public health specifically. for what reason? is it going to better his standards of living? what is a diploma with my name on it going to do for him? just when i thought i had done something good enough like graduate from college in 4 years--there's something more that i have to do meaning more pressure. i don't need someone to manage my life and i don't need people to judge me based on my grades or my major. when you get older, you realize that making other people proud of you doesn't matter. what matters is finding ways to make myself happy and people should be proud of me for that.
2. my brother is chilling in sd because of me. if i change majors and move to northridge, it'll be my fault that he moves back to oxnard. but is the fact that he moves back to oxnard my fault?! i have things that i want to do in my life and i can't have people holding me back even if it's a family member. honestly, i can't catch a break and he's lounging over here for the past 6 years. he needs to realize that everyone's life is sink or swim and if i move and he sinks that's not my fault nor is it my problem.
3. i'm stuck in something that i don't want to do so that i can make someone proud of me for bragging rights and being able to say this and that, not based on my talent and what i can accomplish other than academia. i'm stuck being somewhere i don't want to be so that someone else doesn't have to move back to somewhere they don't want to be. while everyone else is happy, i'm miserable. while everyone else is living care free, lounging, and bragging, i'm stuck studying hours on end about things i don't even care about and don't really understand the concern for. i can't keep doing things for other people so that they can get the better end of it. i'm not a fucking robot and i'm tired of saving the day for other people. i'm making myself sick, miserable, and restless so that others can live comfortably. fuck that.

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i failed my midterm.
usually i say this and everything turns out okay in the end.
i don't think it will be this time since i didn't even attempt to answer the last question.
i was trying so hard and i did study, but when it comes down to it...i didn't do well because i know health care isn't my calling.
i may just drop this class which would give me tuesday and wednesday off.
i think i'm gonna find a job...while i'm at it.

i'd type more but i'm not feeling it since i failed my midterm.

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the part that makes be the saddest, is that it feels like everything i went through and everything that happened in the past 4 years was just something like a dream. being so far from everyone makes me sad, but i know that if i were still living that lifestyle and trying to do well in school, it would never happen. the truth of the matter is, it's better than i don't have my friends to distract me here.

it just feels weird now. i remember when one of my friends dropped out of school and then joined the military. it seemed like after that, everyone and everything was changing. now, it feels like i'm not connected to any of those people anymore and that's the saddest part. they've let go of living the affiliated lifestyle and just did what they had to do to make life work and i respect that. still i have to wonder are they hating their lives as much as i am? then i look at other people and they're still hanging around like nothing ever changed in their lives and i get jealous, but at the same time you wonder if they're ever gonna grow up?!

i'm a care free kinda person that just needs to keep moving and the thought of slowing down and being tied down to a job and a routine lifestyle scares me. i still wanna feel like life is an adventure and i wanna travel, explore, and have SEVERAL different careers throughout my lifetime. i'm still young and knowing that i'm gonna be working 40 hrs/week is weird and something i don't look forward to.

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if my professors are telling me "it's cheaper to die," then the health care industry is a complete waste of my time. why try to fix the disparities and problems within the healthcare industry if you already know it's more cost effective to just die than to operate, prescribe medication, implement health promotion programs, and to provide treatment to illnesses. so i ask myself and everyone else who cares, why bother sitting in a classroom for three hours listening to people talk about issues and concerns that i don't even care about. yeah. i'm wasting a lot of my time and i wouldn't be surprised if i take a year off before i actually finish. besides that, i don't want to start dressing frumpy, dowdy, and lack character in my fashion choices because the people in my classes are just that. frumpy and dowdy-looking.

-the suckiest thing in the world is realizing something and not being able to follow through with it. i don't want that to be my biggest regret in life because someone wants me to be something i'm not.

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