Sooooo basically my life JUST got even harder. A whole bunch of things are just floating through my mind and I feel kinda overwhelmed. Not as much as yesterday but still pretty overwhelmed.

My best friend Tiffy doesn't want to move out with me anymore... well scratch that, it was supposed to originally be me, her and carly, then carly moved in with her boyfriend, which is understandable because she was a bit more prepared than we were, so it was just down to me and Tiff. Then her boyfriend came along and then it was gonna be me, her and her boyfriend sam. Well, two nights ago she called me up and told me she had some exciting amazing news. But, I was sleeping. So we met up the next day for breakfast. as we were eatingour bagels and proceeding to have a good time, she tells me her big news. She tells me that her boyfriend talked to his moms friend, who owns some apartments, somewhere and its 800 square feet, and utilities included, and all this great stuff. And then she tells me, "but its only a one bedroom apartment." Ouch. So basically, she doesn't wanna move out with me anymore and left me out in the rain. Boom, Adrian is now the third wheel. Whatever, its life, people really do come and go. I really did think that I was gonna be friends with her forever. But honestly, I can't see that anymore, not with what she told me. Yeah its great that they're are getting married in two years... two fuckin years. Date set and everything. They've been going out for.... what? A couple months? And they dated freshman year. Whoa good job. It must be nice to know that you got your whole life planned at 18 years old. Moving out with her boyfriend, getting married to her boyfriend blah blah blah. Which I think is the worst decision she has ever made. She's definitely going in it too fast. Love is blind and she's living her life blindfolded, being caught up in the fact that's she thinks she's in love. She went out with Manny for two years and they ended a huge ass mess. But she is stubborn, so whatever. And then the whole motherly acting as a grown up thing. She's 18. Not even 19. Still in her teens. And she wants to act like she's all mature? Hahahahaha. It makes me laugh, but makes me really mad. If she wants to go on and do that, more power to her. And I hope everything works out in the end for her. But I understand, I guess. She wants to live her own life.

My other best friend Carly is either moving to San Antonio, or to Germany. San Antonio because her boyfriend's job here, I guess, isn't really working out for him so he said he might be moving to San Antonio in June to be a Texas Ranger. The only bad thing for her is that he's gonna be living with his parents and she's gonna have to live... practically alone. But she has a good plan, go there, get a crappy apartment take a year off off school, work all year, then after that year she'll be a resident and can afford instate tuition then use all her saved up money to go back to school. Which is really smart, I think. Or she can move to Germany with her parents who are getting deployed there. I guess. But she said that if her boyfriend breaks up with her, then she's gonna move in with me! Yay...

But honestly, I think I wanna move to Cali. Like keep going to school here, but ACTUALLY save up money, like im starting to do, for the next year and pack up and move to Cali. Take off a year from school and work my ass off and try to get my music career started. Which is gonna be a long shot for me but hey, there's no hurt in trying right? Things can go horribly bad but nothing that I can't fix on my own. Im totally determined to get there. I have too. Its the only thing I have going for me right now. I need to start networking, writings more songs, getting noticed, performing more, getting more active instead of just slaving my life away, waiting to pass. I guess you can say that this is kind of an epiphany for me. Idk. There's soooo much I need to do.

I've decided that my goal for this year is to not be in a relationship... scratch that... I like relationships but I don't want a boyfriend. That doesn't mean I wanna be promiscuous or anything. It just means that if I do step into "something" I don't want it to accelerate too far too soon or anything. Sex for me just doesn't cut it anymore. I want passion, and intimacy, and creativity and just something else that isn't just sex. There needs to be something there to make it even better. Im not ready to settle down just yet but I am looking for something real amd long term. I've been hurt tooooo many times before to wanna be hurt again. And I wouldn't wanna put someone through the same shit as I have. I believe in waiting, and that you'll be rewarded. Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue. I know right off the bat that there is no room in my heart for another tucson boy, so im not gonna fall for another one. At least not this year. I don't care how great it is or he is or anything. If he really wants me, he'll wait. Patience is a virtue. This is like.... me trying to re-invent myself, for the better. So much has gone on THIS YEAR alone than my whole life.

"Stop being a bitch" I tell myself. But it doesn't really work out that way. Im generally a nice person.... no. Not generally. Im a nice person all the time. Or try to be. But I can be a bitch at times. Sooooo I just need to do something about it.

Basically, im making a lot of changes and I don't know whether all of it will follow through or anything, im just blogging what I feel at the moment, and right now..... its a lot.

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soooo basically today was blahhh. work work work. i got a stain on my shirt which isn't going away and its kinda pissing me off. but whatevs. i'm gonna go to this party tonight that Ivan invited me too and it's being hosted at this kids hizzouse or something like that but hopefully it'll be fun. but honestly, i could care less for it.

blahh. i havent talked to Nate all day. and i think he's mad at me. but i do know that he's chillin with his aunt or something. ah well. it's all good in the hood.

sooo i found out that i'm an overly jealous person. how? because i went to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight which was FUGGGGGGIN' amazing as shit and i loved it. =]. but i invited Ivan along with us and he sat next to Nate and then we all start talking and its a good old time... but then he starts txting him on my phone... then i take it back from him and i keep it for myself txting my other friends. and then he takes Ivans phone and then they have this coversation on his phone and im sitting there FUMING... like completely livid. but i'm like "whatever Adrian, just let it go. it doesn't matter. he's leaving in a couple of weeks so you wont have to be hung up on him for very long." and it TOTALLY sucks because i'm attached... he's i admit. i got attached to him, even though i said i am swearing off guys for a while... hypocritical Adrian went and got himself hung up on some guy who he met like a couple weeks ago whose moving back to NY in a week and a half.

like this is how hung up i am, im making him a scarf, a multi colored scarf, im throwing him a party next friday, i'm taking hella pix so that i could make him a scrapbook for when he goes back and stuff. like... how pathetic is that? but idon't really care. i wanna do it because thats what friends do... well thats what i do for MY friends because ilike to believe im a good friend. but he doesn't want me. i bet he doesn't even like me. but whatever, i told him since he was moving that i'll show him a good time. but lately i've just been cold and bitchy to him. which i totally regret because he prolly doesn't like me even more now. but whatever. i have good intentions for it but thats nnot really a good excuse, i should be a better friend and just hiding my feelings and just keeping to myself. but i can't. im a very complicated person and i realized that. i realized that i cant have a relationship and i wanna be alone. i kinda wish i didn't have feelings for anyone so i could go on living my life by myself. im young! im turning 19 August 1st and i have my whole life ahead of me. i just need to concentrate on the more important things than having a relationship with someone. and i want someone to punch me in the face if i get into another relationship within the next month. LITERALLY.

but a good friend isnt a bitch to their friends... thatsmore of enemies, and i wanna be far from an enemy. and i feel really guilty about it. =[. im so stupid. i wanna talk to him, but im afraid of what he'll say... maybe somethings are better left unsaid. but iknow that in my heart, he's leaving so soon and im gonna hate seeing him go and i know why i was being short, and bitchy, and cold to him... it's because i dont wanna say goodbye and i;m trying to unattach myself so that it wont hurt as bad when he leaves.... and thats terrible. i shouldn't be doing that. i should be spending as much time with him as i can and letting him have fun but i dont wanna say goodbye... i really dont.... it hurts too much to even think about it. jeezus adrian.

im gonna go finish making that scarf now.

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Hey guys. So definitely, im moving to Fort Worth, Texas... my hometown, my birthplace, my roots. Im really excited to go, but im really scared too.

It all started a couple days ago when me and my mom got into this huge fight after she found out that I lost my ID card again. She cussed me out, telling me that I am irresponsible and I never help out around the house, that my job sucks, and other bullshit. she yelled at me about finding another job, and I told her that I've been looking and she had the nerve! To tell me the most hateful words someone could say to me, and it was like a big ol jab in the heart... did those words come from my mother? Did they really? .... fuckk, they did. And it just hurts that they did... a lot, and I think about it and it makes my stomach churn... ughh... then she told me that I should go move to Texas to my auntie Maribel in Houston and that she'd help me... and that I make it seem like I hate her and don't respect her because I don't listen to what she says and that I give her like a devilish look. But I don't hate her, like at all, if fact, I love my mom with all my heart, she gave me life, she provided for me, she could've left me with my dad back in Guam but she put a roof over my head, and I could never thank her enough.

But in my defense, I know I give a mean mug, but that's just me, and I listen loud and clear, but I just don't wanna listen to some bullshit if its all just gonna be about how I can't survive unless I have my parents or unless I join the military... just because my dad and my step dad were in it, like what makes you think id want to join it? Yeah, its gonna be a lot of money and they'll pay for my school and ill have a job and blah blah blah, but what I really want to be is happy, and will joining the military make me happy? I don't know, and I don't really wanna find out, its just not for me and I know it isn't.

And so I considered going to Texas, but not to Houston, right after me and my mom got into that huge fight. I called my cousin over there and talked to them about it and they loved the idea, they said they would help me find a job, introduce me to new people, help me redirect my life.

I thought about it a lot, and I found out that... my mom is right. I live in a kinda small town, where im familiar with everything and everyone, with a jank ass job, and there's not very many places tofind a job here either. School is a pain, and will always be a pain, I know a lot of the people, and it just... lemme see, ok... lemme put it this way... I feel like, im so familiar with this place that I just don't care about things, and I know ways to get by, and im not progressing in life. I feel like a slacker, and its not a good feeling. =[. And I feel like if I get pushed into a situation where I need to do stuff on my own, ill stuggle, but ill do it, and ill get by.

And you know, it might not work out over at Texas, and I talked to my parents about it, and they said that I could come back. We actually took the time to talk it through. And im glad I did. I really wanna make it on my own, and I think Texas will help me through it... I really hope so. I really hope I find solace, and myself and love in Texas.

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he is HONESTLY, THE MOST amazing guy i've ever been with.


par none.


he makes me so happy. words cant describe the way he makes me feel. well actually... yeah it can, but its gonna be helluh long, lol. and i'm going to attempt to write it for you guys.


it's so weird that we've only been together for 2 weeks. (crazy huh?) but it just feels like so much longer, and I really feel like we can have these feelings for each other for a really long time. well, at least i can. we've already had our ups and downs but thats gonna happen throughout this entire relationship, however long we wanna ride it out. for me, i don't wanna get off. rollercoaster ride or merry go round, its gonna be a ride no matter what.


the thing about him is, is that i feel so comfortable talking and opening up to him, in the past 2 weeks we've spent almost everyday together, having heart to hearts, having fun, getting to know each other, yelling at each other and stuff. he's starting to become one of my best friends. and i'm so grateful for that. i really think that being in a relationship with someone who is also your best friend really strengthens your bond with each other, because you always know that you will have fun with each other, and can talk to each other. i've never really had a connection with someone like that before, and its such a new feeling, and truthfully, i cry... well almost cry about it. call me crazy or stupid, but thats just the way i feel. i can't help it. i am just really thankful that he is not the guy that's just out there for a "hit it and quit it" moment.


even though he has this not so great past, it doesn't change the way i feel about him, it just makes me like him more, and makes me want to cuddle with him and tell him that i'm here now, and i'm gonna make things better and i'm gonna help him experience things he's never experienced before... ickkkk, now i sound really arrogant and ya'll know how much i hate that, but really... i don't know how to explain it, but he really irritates me with all these stories about his past and it reallly does get to me, it hurts really badly because i'm afraid that if i don't impress him, he'll relapse and go back to the way he was and leave me. i guess that's just my insecurities talking but its how i'm used to thinking after having it happen to me so many times before. but the thing is is that i want to try with him.


if i didn't like him as much as i do now, i wouldve already left him. but i don't want to. i feel like he wants to really be with me, and that makes me want to be with him. the fact that he wants to be with me, and he enjoys it and wants to spend more time with me makes me jump for joy. literally. i haven't felt this way in such a long time.


i know, 2 weeks doesn't sound that long... and it really isn't. but if we have these feelings now, thats great! if it dies down, it dies down, and i really don't want that to happen. that's one of the many things i'm afraid of... is that he'll get bored with me. and its so hard trying to not be that way. even though i don't think i'm boring at all, you never know what the other person thinks, you know? but again, thats my insecurities showing. i need to be more outgoing... even though i am, i just need to not overanalyze the things that are great and break them down into something negative... because when you really look at the picture. there's really nothing negative about us. i am so happy with him, and i like to think that he's happy with me.

but it's scary because... i don't live in the past, i really don't. it GETS to me, yes. but the past is the past and i, nor we can change it. with Josh, i know he's had a crazy past. but it doesn't affect my feelings for him. it makes me re-think some things but i really like him. nothing can change that. really. the way i see things is that, even if you hurt me, physically or mentally, i'll still like you, its just that you hurt me, and morally, thats wrong. you have no right to hurt me and i have to right to hurt you. simple as that. also, i defiintely don't agree with the things that he's done before, but i have to move past that. and i try to. but it's gonna take time for me to do that. only because i'm afraid that in the future, it might happen again. but you never know, it might or it might not. i guess i have to stop overanalyzing things and just live my life with him accordingly, and hopefully he'll want to live his with me. is that dumb? wanting someone to live their life with you after just 2 weeks? idk, it's how i feel. it might change it might get stronger, i don't know. thats what i'm afraid of, i'm always used to having a plan, but with Josh, he's an open book. he lives in the now. i live in the future.
well... not really IN the future, just i think about my life in the near future and what is gonna happen and where i'm gonna be and who i'm gonna be with. hopefully with him. but like i said, you never know. i can only hope for the best, and try to make it that way. hmm... all i know is right now... i'm really content with my life. with him. =]


and then there's that question of love... am i in love with him? no. not yet. what am i talking about? lol, no, i'm not in love with him. but i could see it happening. if things keep going the way it's going, this could eventually turn into love within the next year. well, thats just looking at things prospectively... things could change... so i'm gonna strive to make sure that this relationship will go the way i want it too, and hope that he will have the same values and views that i do. but honestly, no, i don't love him, and i'm okay with that. =]. i'm not moving too fast with him, and i'm really okay with that. i don't feel the need to say bullshit to get what i want, 1) because he won't fall for it and 2) i have too much respect for him AND myself to do something like that. thats why i wanna take it slow with him. to see if he REALLY deserves what i want to give him. not just my hormones taking over and wanting it badly, but knowing that he waited all this time and stayed with me all this time to wait for me, is a really big turn on mentally and physically. it shows that he's down for me. and i would like to have that feeling.


i'm very much in like with him though.


i don't care about what anyone says, it's the way i feel and it makes us both happy, so i'm gonna live it the way i want. and not take anything for granted, and work to make this the best relationship i've ever had.


Joshua baby. You don't mean the world to me today, but "one day, is all it takes for things to turn around now, all i know is i got you and

you got me babe, and when that morning comes, i'll make coffee and you'll read the paper, we'll talk

about our plans and i'll keep saying how lucky we are."


and thats just the beginning. =]


sleeeepy time.

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