All alone, Ifall to pieces..
Everytime, I fallin' down
All alone, I fall to pieces...

All the years Ive tried
More to go
With a memories tied
I'm waitin'

Will I find you?
Can I find you?
While falling down
I'm falling...


This morning was great. I woke up at 7:55, got out of bed, got dressed, went downstairs and ate breakfast with my dad.

School sucked. Very bad suckage to.

First period was Ms. Turner, GT Sci. We took a test, so I didn't really talked to her (Talking to her brightens any day) and she passed ou snickers. That was, collectively, it.

Second period was Mrs. Cunningham. I hate that woman so much. "Maybe you should concentrate on your school work." and I said I did it. "Maybe you should try and keep pace with the rest of the group." THE REST OF MY CLASS IS A BUNCH OF SHITHEADS!

Third period. Gym. Boring. Enough said.

Fourth Period. No Michael, no fun. Got really down and miserable because I wasn't understanding and Shawn and Ariel refused to help. Assholes.

Then I went to Mr. Moores room to finish a test. And got laughed at by two girls I don't even know, asking why he had a 'slow girl' taking a test that took them 10 minutes. I WAS ABSENT, YOU FUCKING BITCHES, I CANT DO SHIT WHEN I'M NOT HERE. Mr. Moore just told them to get out, and had me keep working.

TT___TT I get home to talk to Siro and she's just left me an offline message. Then TWO people IM me with their problems. I really don't mind helping them but everyone expects to be able to absorb happyness points from me, and I haven't got any to spare.

Happiness Points = -18

-curls up slightly and draws a bit, singing softly-

Standing by the window
Eyes upon the moon
Hoping the memory
Will the leave the spirit soon

She shuts the doors and lightsAnd lays a body on the bed
Images and words are running deep
She has too much pride to pull the sheets above her head
So quietly she lies and waits for sleep

She stares at the cieling and tries not to think
And pictures the change she's been trying to link again
But the feeling is gone
And water cant cover her memories
And ashes can't answer her pain

For give me the power to take the breathe from our breeze
Like a corner from the corner, so afraid
In with the ashes
Or up with the smoke from the fire

Things up in Heaven
Or here lying in bed
Follow her hand to my head
And now for ever good

My heart in my hand, I give up


. . . bye bye for today

My heart in my hand.. I give up.

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AHAHAH! YES! LIFE IS WONDERFUL! :-D!

...what's with this pussy music? -changes radio station- Anyway, back to reality:

AHAHAHAHAhAHAH! I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF!

It is possible, not once, but TWICE to get detention for the same offense, and still not get a phone home! This is the shitest justice in the world. But I love it none the less!

Yes, my faithful, if faithless (OXY MORON) readers. I got detention for acting lesbian-y again! Aha! How do straight girls act lesbian? It's called playboy. Just playing. Anyway, I was being a 'lesbian' by walking next to DD and giggling, and holding hands. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, lesbians, it SCREAMS! I mean, A) DD's taken (I call her DD cuz she's double D's and I'm an obscene fuck) B) I'm not a lesbian C) ... i'm bleeding..


...why am I bleeding? O.o I didn't know I was bleeding. Ew... ANYWAY, BACK TO LESBIANS! -coughs- For all you cock-hard little fucktards, there will be no intimate discussions of lesbian sex (Lara's not on, I have no one to get them from :-D)

-dies slowly- oh geez.. my mother and sister is planning my wedding. why? I gotta get out of middle school first, and they're planning on who is gonna make me their breeding bitch.

awesome. my entire family disturbs me. that's fabulous.

Do not disturb. I can't get much worse.

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watching: Anna type
listening to: Dunno - Codiene And Cambrea
mood: A little bit of everything

I have stupid friends.


Tony- Tries to steal a giant spoll. Yes. A Giant Spoll. >_<
Siro- Can not spell her own name. 'Sirp'
Liz- Prefers to fold clothing then listen to my problems. >_ Tori- Watchs gay porn while talking to me about my 'pathetic single life'

And myself.. I walk into poles, I nearly get arrested (Not telling about THAT one....), I drew a picture that's really sad and shit and it's ruined cuz I accidently gave the person 5 fingers and a thumb... >.> eh heh?


and I sorta kinda just shot Robert. WHOOPS! :-D! Muscle spasm? o:-). yeah.. that's me, the angel. ah well... Anywhat now....


PAGE IS A LOVELY LADY!

n.n Had to get that out there. She gave me the Mrs. Cunningham work (That woman is sooooooooo stupid it hurts!) and now I shan't fail! yay! Be happy for me... and if you want to laugh at me, imagine the following.

Imagine me.

No fo hawk

Hair messy

White tee-shirt

White short-shorts

cigarette dangling on of mouth

barefoot

holding a bottle of water

looking angry

cursing

...pregnant.


:-D! Oh yeah, that nearly made me pee myself! :-D I'm gonna be a bad pregnant lady, thus I never intend to be one. n.n I'm happy single, lonley, but I dont have the pressure of all my friends continually saying "He's so hot" and all that shit. That's why online guys are best. You get what you want, the comfort of someone who tries to truly cares about you, even though they barely know you, and someone to talk to, without the embarassing need of voicing things. 'sides, I don't need sex, so it's perfect. n.~ Plus, guys my age are stupid, annoying and addicted to blowjobs and stupid things like that, and I don't like to touch guys really (if you don't know why, then you will never know, dont waste your breath/time asking) so... that's just me. ^.^

Anna- You'll appreciate him later.
Meh- True.. He can buy me things!
Anna- ..i was talking more about companionship..when your boobies are sagging
Meh- Yep, when me only redeeming feature falls to my knees

I gotta pierce my lip soon. but first, I gotta find two silver hoops to put through it, which means the Mall (of doom). -shudders- I dont see the happiness people derive from going around a large building filled with mostly crappy, expensive shops and wasting their money. Not my sort of thing... 'sides, I like Salvation Army and stuff like that, cuz then I can find the most odd and random things in the world without paying much. HEY, my clothing allowance IS 125$ but I dont want to have to waste it on about 5 pairs of pants!

Meh- UGH! I have to go to the mallllll!
Dad- ... I swear, there is no way in hell you are a girl.
Meh- What? Because I dont like to abuse my feet wandering around over priced shops looking at crappy strips of cloth that are skintight and barely cover me as it is!??!
Dad- Yep, not a girl.
Meh- ITAE!!!!!!!!!
Dad- Not my fault.


>_O!!!!!!!!!! Fine, I'm not a girl then! my breasts are just implants, LET me tell you. Gackers! Guys are lucky they dont have stupid little fights like most of the dumb girls at my school do, they dont really care about popularity.. They're kinda dumb and brute strenght assholes though.. mmm...

Dad- What kind of girl are you? You're more interested in cars, you listen to heavy metal, you wear loose fitting clothing and have more fistfights then dates! You make boys twice your size cry! You need to work on this, or I'll never get you married off. And that would be bad ><


I'm starting my own gender!

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my own mind is fucking me over.

maybe i should take my medications? Mm, that'd be a good idea! Be dependant
on a pill to provide my happiness. I'm a very upbeat person and stuff.. but just
recently my life has SUCKED! WHICH CELESTRIAL ASSHOLE DID I PISS OFF!?! WELL?
Answer me damnit!

SATAN DAMNIT! Just.. My God, why is life a spiral*??

* Spiral theory. Everyone has a place in life, and fortune is a spiral, spinning around
so the phrase 'what comes around goes around' is correct. sometimes it's bigger
and sometimes it's smaller, depending on the part of the spiral. It's Karma, with
shapes.


myeh..


demonickyujin: You're fucking wallowing in your own self pity

verbal slaps in the face hurt like shit.

demonickyujin: But it is a cry for help..or even just attention

twice in one night. fabulous.


WHY ARE YOU NEVER ON WHEN I NEED YOU TO BE!?! WHY ARE YOU NEVER HERE WHEN I CUT IT, BUT ONLY WHEN I COVER IT AND FAKE MY SMILES!?!!?!?!?!?!?


tonight sucked, but i smiled anyway.
every night is starting to suck. I'm looking forward to church tomorrow though...
Pastor Ann Gordon.. she's hysterically funny and a great preacher. Plus a lesbian, so
she's cool about everything. You can just go up to her and say "MY WEEK SUCKED!"
and burst into tears... she hands you a cookie, sits you down and talks to you.

Four wisest ladies in my life:

Mom- Liz's mother. I can run to Liz's house when ever I hurt and even when Liz isn't there, she makes me tea and just talks to me, holds me when I cry, smiles
when I laugh, tells me when I'm being stupid and applauds me when I fight for something I believe in. Song that she's like... Um... 9 days - When She Smiles

Mrs. P- Originally, Ms. Peterson, now Mrs. Polawsi. :-D! She's meh guidance counselor and she's great. I just skipped periods sometimes and hang out with her.
Probably not the greatest role model ('I'm not going to tell you NOT to have sex.. Just use a condom. I have them in cherry or grape if you ever need one' or 'Well, FUCK YOU!') but definately the funniest.

Miss Gordon- Reverand Ann Gordon. Great sermons, good advice and someone who actually makes me enjoy going to church! :o! whoa dude. :-D She's the type who'd think Communion Poker is funny (which you bums don't think it is!)

Siro- Probably one of the more bitchy, cynical, piss-me-off-i'll-castrate-you-with-a-screwdriver peoples I know... But she's good when i'm having a (my dad calls them 'girl moments) a need to chat about guys ( >_< it's rare, but it happens.. WHAT?!?! Dont look at me like that! For your fucktard info, I like 2 people right now... even though I hate men... yeah, it burns.). Also the only person who will bitchslap someone holding a knife against their wrist and tell them they complain too much. Also a good sewer. A terrible cook* though :-p

Siro- Here! -hands a steaming dish-
Meh- -looks at it- What is it?
Siro- Lunch
Meh- ...is it supposed to be brown and crunchy and oily?
Siro- Shut up and eat it.
Meh- .........what WAS it?
Siro- >_< carrots!
Meh- ..i refuse to believe this was once orange. or that it ever came from the
ground....
Siro- Shut up and eat it!



well.. with all that said and done and ranted and vented over, and my keyboard sticky from tears, and my head aching from when I walked into the pole on Friday.
I'm serious. I walked into a pole. I was listening to Megan Capano talk and then Ms. Staley was like "Look out!" and I turn my head to look at her (She was diagonal behind me) and I walked into the pole. It really hurts! and it's cut! And it's kinda bruised... >o
aannyywwaaayyyy....

random thing of the day-

my daddy's my hero!

~At 3:20 in the morning

BluBerryEyeLiner: -prod-
RunToTheTrenches: my rc [opurttytt me to bed
RunToTheTrenches: cecausie m dso drunk
RunToTheTrenches: whattt?
RunToTheTrenches: namec [pawel
RunToTheTrenches: drunk
RunToTheTrenches: very
RunToTheTrenches: very
RunToTheTrenches: drunk
BluBerryEyeLiner: BED
BluBerryEyeLiner: GO
RunToTheTrenches: what?
BluBerryEyeLiner: TO IT
RunToTheTrenches: lasaaaa
BluBerryEyeLiner: you're going to really regret this tomoro
RunToTheTrenches: no
RunToTheTrenches: i dont hangoiver
RunToTheTrenches: much
RunToTheTrenches: lAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
BluBerryEyeLiner: FUCK IT PAWEL
BluBerryEyeLiner: GO TO BED
RunToTheTrenches: i
RunToTheTrenches: what?
BluBerryEyeLiner: BED
RunToTheTrenches: i cant
RunToTheTrenches: what?
RunToTheTrenches: huh
RunToTheTrenches: ]la
RunToTheTrenches: alcohol
BluBerryEyeLiner: >_<
BluBerryEyeLiner: go collapse in a corner
BluBerryEyeLiner: you're gonna have a really bad hangover
BluBerryEyeLiner: and I will laugh SO hard at you
RunToTheTrenches: dont hangover
RunToTheTrenches: jusyt rootttoo much voka
BluBerryEyeLiner: feeling no pain i see
RunToTheTrenches: cant feel fucjk
RunToTheTrenches: besices numb
BluBerryEyeLiner: can you count?
RunToTheTrenches: no``
BluBerryEyeLiner: that's good
BluBerryEyeLiner: Alphabet?
RunToTheTrenches: qhealaaaa?
RunToTheTrenches: yeah
RunToTheTrenches: that
RunToTheTrenches: too
RunToTheTrenches: drunk
BluBerryEyeLiner: how old are you, Pawel?
RunToTheTrenches: iiiiiiiiii wish i could stand up
RunToTheTrenches: but i cant
RunToTheTrenches: itw s funny
BluBerryEyeLiner: hold onto the earth so you don't fall off
BluBerryEyeLiner: not that you'll be missed in your current state
RunToTheTrenches: l,.nhjg
RunToTheTrenches: yeah that
BluBerryEyeLiner: go to sleep
RunToTheTrenches: oi said something important
RunToTheTrenches: o swear
BluBerryEyeLiner: you are an idiot
RunToTheTrenches: am a dot
BluBerryEyeLiner: oh goodness
BluBerryEyeLiner: I pity any one with in 6 feet of you
BluBerryEyeLiner: PAWEL
BluBerryEyeLiner: let's try again
BluBerryEyeLiner: how OLD are you?
RunToTheTrenches: `111118
BluBerryEyeLiner: HOORAH
BluBerryEyeLiner: where are you?
RunToTheTrenches: in my errrroooom
BluBerryEyeLiner: what state are you in?
RunToTheTrenches: drunk
BluBerryEyeLiner: not in denial though
BluBerryEyeLiner: when was the last time you had an alcohol test? because you're gonna fail the next one
RunToTheTrenches: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu]\
RunToTheTrenches: \
RunToTheTrenches: \
RunToTheTrenches: nevermnd
BluBerryEyeLiner: do you hate your liver?
BluBerryEyeLiner: really, WHY do you hate your liver?
RunToTheTrenches: because;wedont get aLON
RunToTheTrenches: G
BluBerryEyeLiner: oh celetrial being in the sky, why do you hate me
BluBerryEyeLiner: anyway
BluBerryEyeLiner: WHY are you not getting your sorry old ass into bed?
RunToTheTrenches: i dpnt hate
RunToTheTrenches: you
RunToTheTrenches: i just drunk
RunToTheTrenches: and be
RunToTheTrenches: d
RunToTheTrenches: n \bed now
RunToTheTrenches: bed now
RunToTheTrenches: night
BluBerryEyeLiner: good boy


^ Why Old People Shouldn't Get Drunk ^

drunks aren't cool.


^_~<3 and lemme a comment!!!

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I have decided to do something utterly stupid.

again.

n.n Wanna know what it is? Do ya, do ya, do ya? :-D!

I have decided to piece my lip twice. My actual lip this time. Two rings over
the bottom lip. I know, it's dumb shit. But HEY, it'll make my family twitch..

Also, I know my children, if I have any, will most definately hate me. :-D I have
3 names I really like and they're completely disturbing and random!

Charon - Think, HELL
Raphael - The (lost maybe? I dunno, I ain't Catholic) angel of mystery and fortune
Sodako - Sodako And The Thousand Paper Cranes


yep, i've fucked them for life, and they're not even born yet! But, on the other
hand, I doubt I'm actually gonna be the one giving birth to them. -noddles- Meh
believe in adoption (I only got into it originally because my mother said it was a
horrible act that denies the will of God. :-D)



>.>

<.<

-rambles about something-

-witty comment-

-laughter from you ensues-

u.u I'm so hopeless..

-unscrews water bottle top and drops cap- ^(#@*%)&# piece of crap.


-grumbles and picks it up.- Anyway.. I'm bored, and I should be doing my homework
... should being the operative word. I'll probably wind up doing it 1st period on
Monday...


WHEE! I LOVE THIS SONG

Momma, this surely is a dream
Yeah Momma this surely is a dream

Hanging round
Downtown by my self
Ive had too much caffeine
I was thinking about my self
And there she was
in plantonom suede
Yeah there she was
Like disco lemonade

I smell sexing
Candy hair
Who's that lounging
In my chair
Whos that casting
deep thought out stares
In my direction

-dances- So random!! n.n -switchs radio station and hums to Breaking Benjamin-

Crowded streets all cleared away
One by one
People seperate
As they run

You're so cold keep
So held in line
Young boys wonder
While strong men cry...


-head bangs and mumbles lyrics-

That's alright
Let's give this another try!


If you find a family
Dont you cry
In this land of make believe
Dead and dry

You're so cold
But you're feeling right
Lay your hand on me
One last time

Show me how is injures alright
Show me how defenseless, you really are
Satisfy an empty inside
That's alright, lets give this another try

Show me how is injures alright
Show me how defenseless, you really are
Satisfy an empty inside
That's alright, lets give this another try

It's all right...
It's all right..
It's all right..
It's all right..
It's all right..
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's all..right..

>_< Funky song.. vvveerrryyy funky... now they're playing AC/DC, after the man
bitched about 9/11. People, look. You say "We're over it, we're stronger now"..
NO! You're not! You keep BITCHING about it.. People want to make it a day we
get off school. Then it becomes something like Labor Day or Memorial Day. I
know people my age well enough, we lose the memory, we just give a shit about
that whoo hoo, we're off, and all the stores have sales and it just becomes a
shopping trip! What the hell, we LOSE the meaning of what happened! I might
seem insensitive, but it's the fucking truth. It's horrible, it's scary and it's cruel,
but you HAVE to keep going!

What? I'm not being heartless! And what is with the media's obsession with
showing how many KIDS died?! Why are we so geared to say "Oh, well he was 40,
he'd die soon anyway" and "Oh no, a 13 year old boy was shot because he stole
something? That horrible killer!" What the fuck!? Age doesn't matter, someone
DIED! And women are more sympathized with then men. So if I burst into flames
right now, people'd be like "She was a bitch, but a girl and a young girl too! -sob
sob-!" -rolls her eyes- give me a break, fucktards.


. . . angry mood is gone.. random humor quotes time!

RunToTheTrenches: im an interesting man when ntoxicated
BluBerryEyeLiner: Oh dear
BluBerryEyeLiner: what did you do?
RunToTheTrenches: ive been said to have attempted to scale the side of my dormitory building wearing only boxers and yelling "I AM THE SPLINTER CELL"........i deny it of course (i really dont remmber that night ^_^) but if ts true, it means i play wayyyyyyyyyy too many video games

SerenitysMyBoat: chain of command? what's dat?
BluBerryEyeLiner: It's the chain I BEAT YOU WITH until you know whose in
command
SerenitysMyBoat: :-D Firefly!

SerenitysMyBoat: so anyways ms.murder
BluBerryEyeLiner: Ms.murder?
BluBerryEyeLiner: i like it
BluBerryEyeLiner: you can call me that

BluBerryEyeLiner: "One hasn't lived until one has heard Yellow Submarine sung by drunk Germans.. IN german." - My father
BluBerryEyeLiner: This was in Germany, in a beer hall where the floor was sticky at noon
RunToTheTrenches: HAHAHAHA
RunToTheTrenches: beautiful
RunToTheTrenches: our floor is carpetted
RunToTheTrenches: and needs febreeze....bad

RunToTheTrenches: a tour came by while the health dept was putting on skits for us, and all the parents watched in horrorfrom behind the "stage" as a id ran up wearing only whitey tighties and screamed "im a virgin and im proud" in front of the entire freshman class, then proceeded to distribute free condoms while a condom volleyball game was begun
RunToTheTrenches: amherst college :-D

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Pierre Tambale / Tombstone

Pit Pat
le pluie sur la pierre tambale
Mes yeux
fixes sur les fleurs
Elles sont mortes
Comme la personne sur le qu'elle elle reposent
Mes yeux
yeux qui ne peuvent pas retenir les larmes
Sur le
blance pierre tambale qui cache une personne
Plus que moi.

J'ai allume
une cigarrette et je l'ai fume quand
J'etait assise sur
la belle pierre tambale blanche.
Et j'ai lui parle
Avec elle, sans aucun sujet
Apres ca
Je suis rentree chez moi, la cigarette morte sur les fleurs.

-------------------------------------

Pit pat
the rain on the tombstone
My eyes
fixed upon the flowers
They are dead
like the person they lay upon
My eyes
eyes that can not hold tears, fixed
On the
white tomb stone that hides a person
Who is more then me

I light
A cigarette and I smoke while
I sit
upon that beautiful white tomb stone
And I talk
To her, without a single subject
But then...
I walk home silently, my cigarette dead among the flowers

-Meh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Rape Poem

There is no difference between being raped
and being pushed down a flight of cement steps
except the wounds also bleed inside

This is no difference between being raped
and being run over by a truck
except afterwards men ask you if you've enjoyed it

This is no difference between being raped
and being bit on the ankle by a rattle snake
except that people ask if your skirt was short
and why you were out alone anyway

This is no difference between being raped
and going head first through a windsheild
except that afterwards you are afraid
not of cars
but of half the human race

The rapist is your boyfriend's brother
He sits besides you in the movies eatting popcorn
Rape fattens on the fantasies of the nromal male
like a maggot in garbage

Fear of rape is a cold wind blowing
all of the time on a woman's hunched back
Never to stroll alone on a sand road through pine woods
never to climb a trail across a bald
with that aluminum in the mouth
when I see a man climbing towards me

Never to open the door to a knock
Without that razor just grazing the throat
The fear of the dark side of hedges
the back seat of the car, the empty house
rattling keys like a snakes warning
The fear of the smiling man
in whose pocket is a knife
The fear of the serious man
in whose fist is locked hatred

All it takes to cast a rapist is seeing your body
as jackhammar, as blowtorch, as adding-machine-gun
All it takes is hating that body
your own, your self, your muscle that softens to flab

All it takes is to push what you hate
What you fear onto the soft alien flesh
To bucket out invincible as a tank
armored with threads without senses
to possess and punish, in one act
to rip up pleasure
to murder those who dare
live in the leafy flesh open to love.

-Marge Piercy




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Suicide

didn't acknowledge receipt
didn't wave goodbye
didn't flutter the air with kisses
a mound of tinsel gifts unwrapped
air mail letters unopened
bedclothes rumpled
no thank you

always elsewhere

though it was raining elsewhere
though strange-speaking persons peopled the streets
the minarets might have been dangerous
the drinking water suspect
though we at h ome slaved and baked
and wept and dialed the phone
and hung tinsel ornaments
did he marvel
did he thank

was he grateful did he know
was he considerate
was he human
was he there

Always elsewhere!
didn't thank
didn't kiss
toothbrush stiffened
cat scratching at the screen
car battery dead

was that human?

went where?

-Joyce Carol Oates




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Certain Choices

My friend, who was a heroin addict
is dead and buried beneath the trash
and broken bottles in a prison field

He died, of course, because of the way
he lived. It wasn't a very good way
but it kept him alive. When it couldn't
keep him alive any long, it killed him
Thoroughly and with great suffering

After he made certain choices
there were no others availible. That's
the way it is with certain choices,
and we are faced with them so young.

I have few friends and none of them
are replacable. That's the way it is
with freidns. We make certian choices.

-Richard Shelton


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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