Today was busy for a Monday. Joey was off today but he came up to the store around 5ish to start working on the patio. He worked for about an hour before I went out there to see if he wanted some help which he welcomed with open arms. But there was sort of a reason I stayed and helped. He was wearing the clothes that made me start liking him in the first place and it distracted me. I wanted to be able to work with him and not have to worry about being distracted on my other work. He was wearing the t-shirt and basketball shorts that look so good on him. I was thinking about him the whole time I was working. I'm pretty sure he was thinking around the same way right around the time before we left cuz I had that look in my eye and he saw it. On the way home I think it was on both our minds but we were both just too tired to mention it. I just hope that if he comes in tomorrow to finish the patio like he said he was gonna do, that he wears the same thing. I like thinking about him. Just as long as nothing happens. But that's what makes thinking about him so damn hard. I almost told Joey that I like Dana, cuz Dana came up in a conversation earlier, but I decided not to. I think he already knows anyway. Anywho, I'm gonna go play some games and then go to bed cuz I'm tired. I'll write more tomorrow after I get home from work.

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I don't understand how I can feel this way. I don't understand how I can like someone who I know that I can never have. How can I like Dana? What is it about him that I like so much? That's one of the things I don't understand. And why do I still think about fooling around with Joey? I know that its never going to happen again. I don't even think about having sex with Dana. I just think about being with him. Hanging out with him and just being there with him. I haven't thought this way about anyone in a while. I've thought about David that way, but that's a different story. That doesn't count in this incident. Its different because me and David had something. There hasn't ever been anything between me and Dana. I wish I could make something. Ugh I'm saying the same things over and over again. I think I've gotten the point across. I'll write again when I have something better to say. Or something to update on.

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I still think about Joey. I still think about fooling around with him. I don't know why. Maybe its cuz I know that it can't happen again. Joe suggested that the reason I like Dana is because I know that I can't have him. I know that its something that is almost not possible to get. Maybe that's the same reason I still think about Joey. No one knows about what we did and no one is going to find out either. At least not as long as I'm still working there. It would make it awkward. I'm glad that me and Joey never had sex though. As much as I wanted to I'm glad that it never happened. I still think about it though. Not very often, but it happens. I think about Dana too, but the reality isn't there with him. With Joey it was a reality. A reality that I enjoyed while it was happening and I'm glad that it ended. I'm more happy that I'm done with him though. Huh. I want to wait until I get a boyfriend and I've been with him for a while before I have sex with him. I don't want that to be what the relationship is based on. But ... *sigh* I think about Dana, and I think about what it would be like to hang out with him. But then I think that I'd probably give in and have sex. I wish that I could figure something out. I kinda wish that I could find a way to get with Dana and try something. Try and see how it works and where it goes. If it goes nowhere then I don't pursue it any farther. If it starts to go somewhere then I pursue it farther and see where it goes. Alright I'm trying to think about what to write while I watch TV and its not working. So I'll write later.

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I can't believe that I actually thought about giving in to Joey again. I can't believe that I wanted to fuck around with him again. What the fuck is wrong with me?! He's a fucking dick!! He's an asshole who doesn't give a shit about anything but himself. I mean sure he can be a really good guy at times, but for the most part I hate the fact that we ever did anything. Actually he never really did anything for me. I did everything to him. It was him who was getting all the pleasure. I didn't really get much out of it. FUCK!!!! I HATE this! I hate that I almost gave in today. And in a small way I kinda did. God I'm so fucking stupid. I don't want to see him tomorrow. I really don't want to have to deal with him tomorrow. I don't want to have to deal with his bullshit. I don't want to have to deal with him period. Fuck Joey. I'm just so beyond done with him. And I'm done with this.

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Alright here's the first of the personal shit. I have to write it somewhere, or tell someone, but since I can't tell anyone, I'm writing it under this name. Okay a while ago (like 8 or 9 months ago) I had a crush on my boss. Who knows why, but I did. Anywho I wanted so badly to do something with him. I wasn't sure what I just knew that I wanted to do something with him. Well I got my wish on my 19th b-day. He let me 'play' with him. And he's not small either. He's a decent size. Well the next day I was off, but I went up to work around the time that he was getting off and he gave me a ride home so that we could fool around again. We kept this up for a few months. In December I started seeing someone (who turned out to be a drunk psycho with a gun) so the fooling around between me and my boss stopped. When me and the guy broke up my boss wanted to fool around again especially since I now had my tongue pierced. He found that as a bonus. But since I wasn't allowed to do anything like that for like 2 monthes to let my tongue heal, it never happened. We ended up not doing anything anymore, but we would still talk about it. Now there's no chance of it happening again. He pisses me off too much now. And because it just gross. I have NO clue what I saw in him, but obviously there was something. So it's still brought up every now and then, but not that often. I can't tell anyone because my job could be on the line just simply cuz he is my boss and I don't want there to be any complications. I've fooled around with fellow employees, but this was a different situation. That's another reason I'm not saying his name. Just in case someone who happens to know me and where I work won't say anything. Alright now that I got that out I'm done for the night.

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I know that this isn't too interesting right now, but I'm working on it. I'm not on here all the damn time so, and I do have other names to work on modifying. This will be the name that I type all my shit on that I don't want anyone, who happens to know the other two names I have, to read. This will be the name where all my really personal shit goes. Well not personal enough that I can still write it on here. But too personal for people that I know to read it. Okay I think you get the point. I'll get on later.

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