I don't know what to do.

I'm confused. I don't know what my heart wants. I can't hear my brain reason and argue about logic and what I want, or should want.

I'm tired. Tired of running away and just doing nothing, but wait. Tired of this feeling of loneliness. Tired, just tired.

Should I give it a try? But I've always told myself from the very start that it wasn't right. There were maybe two days, maybe three, in which I settled myself. Resolved to give in--no, agree. Smile and answer with a positive. But in the end, the expected came too late and that resolve broke away. I didn't do it. A non-answer and I was free to think, to pore over everything. To come to the conclusion that it was best that time had passed.

Best for me.

Now I don't know again. I just don't know. I can feel doubt eating away at me and the new resolve I had thought so firm.

This is the problem with unstable hormones. You never know what you really think, because it always changes. I can depend only on this: I will feel differently tomorrow. *chuckle*

I had truely thought it was right. I was READY. For the first time in my life, I was. Then time passed and I thought the opposite was reality. I thought myself so cool-headed, logical, and realistic about myself.

Haha, I can feel this strange new twist melting away right now as I type.
I'll feel different tomorrow. Let's see what a new day brings.

listening: The Climb

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I was reading an article in Yahoo! when I came across a comment: "I especially love it in oriental foods."

Just say Asian for goodness sakes! What does it mean to be oriental? Usually it's associated with Indian/Hindu/Chinese style rugs, vases, etc. And people. I'm TIRED of it. It means Asian so just say Asian.

What about this Mandarin nonsense? Fashion: Mandarin collars. For goodness sake, Mandarin is the name of a dialect. At least they don't (or can't) say Oriental collar. Who knows what that would mean?

Want to hear something funny? A NYC Councilman once asked his Chinese colleague (only Asian of all 51 representing the city) to translate something into Asian. When asked which language he'd prefer, he said "Just Asian." I don't think I need to comment on that.

Re: title -- I'm just saying 'oriental' is not a word.

By the way, check out the mod on the left. Feelyourboobies.com, a site spreading the awareness of Breast Cancer to the younger generation. A very good effort as most young women under 40 don't get mammograms and aren't aware that they are also at risk. As young as fifteen years old. Spread the news.

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I bartend-ed for the first time yesterday.
First time touching alcohol. Came home smelling like alcohol, just slightly and just my fingers. I was sitting on my bed when I realized it. Me and a corkscrew, who wins? Well, I think me bc I pretty much got the hang of it by the end of the night. He gave a good fight though.

And! And! I was actually allowed to keep my tips.

I was actually there to help out with the set-up and was asked to stay as bartender. $31 in tips for two hours. Not bad, not bad at all.

By the way...


HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!


And a Bah Humbug from me. Where's the guy with the flowers for me? I much prefer flowers over chocolates. But of course, I don't see guys often so how would I get any? 'Tis the difference between reality and fantasy.

I had Taylor Swift's Love Story stuck in my head all day yesterday. All week actually. For no reason whatsoever.

Good bye. Have a good one, babes.

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Do you believe?

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I want voice lessons. And I want to continue dancing, if not only to keep my figure (how pompous). If not dance, then I need a substitute. But I can't leave dance just yet as I'm starting to rise in the dance ladder, so to speak. I also want to go to Liberal Arts instead of a reg. four-year. I see college as a time to 'find yourself' rather than truly for studies. I care more about law school. Wondering if I can go straight to law school with only an associates instead of a four year bachelor's... I want a camera, good Nikon/film or digital, so I can practice photography. I've always been interested but like many things I was interested in, I pushed it down in the little treasure box next to my spleen. Never fulfilled, never saw the light of day.

Can't think of anything else at the moment...

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that I'm always on when no one else is. =[



Been a while since I last used smilies...

Ugh, I feel like I'm swirling down a well while looking up at the NuTang sky and none of you are up there to pull me up in the bucket. I have an image of how it would be if I WAS pulled out. Crazy rainbow fun! Whoooo!

But, alas, none are here.

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I guess I forgot to mention:

There were five other people besides myself and I only knew two of them. Plus, I haven't seen them in years and we weren't really close.

*shrug* I guess that's it? Now, I'm off to make my sandwich.

To those of you who didn't read, scroll down and do so! ('-^)=b

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Yes, that's right. I was able to hang out with my friends today for the first time in forever. Well, depends on who, no? My friends who actually went to college which is most of everyone. Not all people can do like me and go take a year off. Many people don't understand actually. *shrug* Not my problem.

We went ice-skating today. The first time this winter and I never went last winter. And we skated for about...3 hours before leaving to have dinner. Thing is, we were really close to my house and it was absolutely crazy cold today--single digits--and I WANTED TO GO HOME. And of course, I also had my own plan: get japanese food, stay in, and curl up with some TV--or rather, streaming video online.

Actually, I started watching Goong. XD I was just curious why it was so popular. It's like Twilight or Naruto. I didn't like it because it was popular. But like Twilight, I tried it and I liked it. ;) I also started watching Prince of Tennis: Chinese version and liked that, too. But only watching Goong right now.

But! But. They forced me to go eat dinner with them. Forced me down the subway and literally herded me into a turnstile, swiped the metrocard, and pushed me in. *sigh* No problem. To Korea Town we went and had some nice spicy food. Wasn't bad. Got pretty full. Left at around 8:30pm.

Then! Then. More herding/kidnapping. One person on each side with elbows interlocked with mine. *sigh* Walked this way for about three blocks? Along the way, someone started tickling me. >.< And then we realized we had left someone behind. Yeah. So tickler left us and I got away. Hooray! FREEDOM! Came home. Turned on laptop. And here I am. ;)

Night, guys!
More Goong. ;)

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