mood: clucky

There have been a lot of ladies in the office who are in a similar situation as me...catching the 'preggo bug'. It is so funny cuz we as expecting mothers can pick up the scent of other expectant mothers. And when we talk about our babes in our tummies it brings us joy and excitement. But when I speak to some who have never considered having a baby their faces are scrunched and turn into a disgusted look. It is not offensive, but I think it is kinda funny...cuz they do not know what they are really missing out on. Yes the pain is not something to look forward to...but having a mini-me and calling him/her my own would be so special!

Yes..especially since I am still young, 23...anyone who looked at me would think I was a baby myself. I still considered too cutesy by Fernando to be a mother. And my mum just thinks I would be 'too soft' when it comes to discipline. I think it depends... I know my life will change from now on..and my character will continue to grow as I fall into my role as 'mummy', 'mama', 'mum' or whateva (I havent figured out what I would like to be called!!).

It still amazes me when I think about this whole conceiving process, and having another human grow inside me, when it came from two cells. Everywhere I turn I now see babies, mothers with prams and other pregnant women. I can see it is something all women share and respect of each other. There is no bitchiness when it comes to motherhood.

There must be something in the air at work, I'm certain of it! These ladies are radiant, bubbly, giggly... It has made one of my female workmates want a man and have a baby right now! Established mothers continue to approach me to share their experiences with their kids and it is so comforting to know that amongst all the craziness, there is peace. A bond between mother and child is the ultimate prize in the end.

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This week was actually better than the last, my moods have started to calm down a bit and I am a bit more relaxed. The thing is...our photos arrived! The photographer placed 11 neat cds stack one on top of the other in our mailbox. It was raining the evening before, so I was a bit worried that they may have been damaged. But thankfully no!

I am so glad, I can forget about the photos now, because I came to a point when I began dreaming about them and how they would never reach me. :( Poor Fernando was just as stressed, but now it is all over and we can go on with our normal lives! Yesterday was also my 2nd month anniversary with F, it seems to have sped past. And getting the photos makes it even feel more 'fresher'. It is nice to go through them one by one and relive the day. Actually we hope some of our friends would have a wedding so we can sit back and relax. The wedding day may be one of the most happiest days of your life but it is also one of the fastest and most stressful.

Everyone still wonders where are we going for our honeymoon. I never really planned that far..and F is not much of a traveller. We are kinda home bodies, but if it came to a free trip...why not? hehe. We are trying hard to save up for a house, and then we can escape the parents! F dreams of a room of his own where he can set up all his games, movies and music. And he said I could have the rest of the house. lol! We also have dreams to accomplish many things, our careers and plans to do a business. It just has to be one step at a time...we are still young with a simple and happy life together, stable jobs, a marriage, bubs on the way (hehe)...anything else would just be a bonus!

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I cant believe I just spent 2 hours on my Nintendo DS playing Pokemon Pearl. Cuz Fernando has been trying to teach me. He is very into the game and all the technical aspects, when I just wanna do it for fun. It is just so boring at home on a Saturday, F goes to work and comes back at 6:30pm and usually I cook something for my family. Try new recipes etc, cuz Im getting into cooking. I know I am getting better, becuz ppl actually eat and finish my food!

Carlos, F's bro has been helping us find out more about the photographer's whereabouts, cuz he FINALLY PICKED UP HIS PHONE! I could believe my ears, but the loser prob saw a different number and picked it up. He never picks up mine. Then he gives some lame excuse that he has been overseas. And he never told us!!! Dumb shit.

Anyways I will not elaborate further cuz I will get into my 'ugly' mood. Tomorrow I will go and have dim sum with Gail and the girls...hopefully it will relax my current frazzled state. I just have not had a social life lately, stuck at home and going to work. I really need some 'life' and stop worrying about minor problems.

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I am getting to the point of blowing up, cuz I get so easily annoyed by people who dont know how to sort out their own crap. I dont want to get involved in people's probs or stress and I dont want ppl causing it for me. Im sick and tired of my brothers especially for not picking up their slack, and having to depend on my parents and myself for their financial issues. In a way, Fernando and I cannot wait to get out of my parents house and live in a place of our own. It is getting to the point of we should not put up with it anymore. I love my family, but they can be the most annoying and most draining!

My younger bro should really grow up and learn to communicate with elders. He is now 20 yrs old, driving a fast car, which is giving him lots of probs and he cant even lift up the phone to speak to the guy who will fix his car. Cuz he thinks it is 'weird'. I am so sick of his immaturity and wanna give him a big slap across the head. He is a boy, trying to act as a man in his 'big flashy' nissan 200sx and I just laugh at how he cant even wipe up after himself. And now he wants to get an apartment, AT 20! Good on him if he does, but I'll look the other way when he is in debt.

My older bro spends big and has debt, I just think it is so lame of them to want all the 'flashy' things in the world. That never make them happy in the end cuz they will end up a life full of debt. Plus my poor dad has to complain to me about it, when they try and borrow 'pocket money' from him. I just get so mad at my stupid bros, cuz they are still immature to me...i dont feel close to them at all now. Cuz they in their own 'selfish' lil world.

I think when you get married, you crave more independance, want to look after my own family and my parents. My bros just hardly help around, and keep our family in such hardship. I have had the tendency to want to hit things, bite things and scream lately...

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Look away now, or you will be seriously shocked by my anger...This is an entry to vent and empty my frustrations. I know I don't usually do this but I am fucking pissed off at the photographer who took our wedding photos. He still hasn't given it to us, and we have paid him to deliver the goods. Everytime we try and contact him, it's either his voicemail or he doesn't reply our emails. He is really dodgy and shady...and unprofessional!! It is almost 2 months since we have had our wedding and I just want what I paid for NOW!

From the start I knew he was shady, because we had found him through the make-up artist I knew. He arrived late on the day, didn't take many snaps, and was not organised in setting up the bridal party for shots and had a very dull personality. I was so frustrated by the end of the day because he did not take enough photos. Even though he was with us the whole day, he only took 500 photos!! Not all good...on average a wedding day should have 800 photos to choose from AT LEAST!

Fernando and I have even tried to arrange to see him instead...of him coming to see us. We have been patient!! And also negotiable. But the loser is just not being fair or reasonable. How unprofessional is that? Plus he never calls back and it takes about a week to receive an email from him. I'm gonna tell you his name, ARUN cuz he is a bastard and should not receive any more business...He is a fat fuck! I'm sick and tired of these rude tradies who think they are hot shots, and can take control of their customers. It is not quality service...I have been thinking of reporting him to the Department of Consumer and Employment Protection. I really hate being "toy-ed" with...if he thinks we will forget about the photos...he doesn't know me. I never forget...especially when someone has tried to fuck me over!

I'll sleep on it, and hopefully I won't feel as frustrated tomorrow. But what a FUCK HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!

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I believe that people get along better with each other when they identify with similarities going on in their life. People understand more about a certain situation that has happened to them, and made an impact more so that those who never had the experience before. That is why it is so difficult to obtain that level of understanding with certain people, who have been closed off from the world, and cannot identify.

I thought I would be one of the more understanding people, because I feel I have had enough experiences in my life to listen to other people and give advice. But sometimes I just can't, and I know the person wants to confide in me but I cannot bring myself to understand what they are going through...I can only empathise with them. Especially when they have reached darker places in their minds than I have. I can listen, but I do not dare speak...as they have felt 'human emotion' of the next level that I cannot fathom.

It is true...a lot of my friends are at a different stage in their lives where working, spending money, partying, drinking and meeting new people are what takes up their time. Now my priorities have changed, and I see their perspective, as that was once me before. But they do not understand my situation...they try but then leave me alone because it is not their 'thing'. I sometimes feel alone, that I do not have friends who are at the same stage as me...no one to talk to, seek advice or understanding. It's like I am an old mind in a young person's body...I have reached the next level of mentality before my friends have. Not to sound arrogant, but I do believe at this next level I can never go back to being the way I was.

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