wow, just watched click today.. it is really very good..
i admit i think i must have teared up..

only thing i feel is that the show should have ended sooner.
in reality, not everyone gets a second chance.. its just hollywood messing with us. but still, they did good on this one.

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every once in a while, tend to get that longing feeling. I absolutely hate it, because i can't act on it, and i know i don't deserve better. always seem to hit me either when i have too much time, after watching a silly show, especially more when im tired.

this is not suppose to happen to me, not anymore at least. Im supposed to be enlightened now... bleah.. petty human emotions get the better of me, especially in my human form..

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i hate coming home late and how the journey always seem to take so long. First of all, by the time i reach home, i realise that it's almost time for me to head to bed and to start the vicious cycle all over again. Secondly, the amount of time spent on the trip is seriously depressing for me. Looking at all the grumpy faces all around me, one can't help but feel depressed about my pathetic current state as well. Not to mention trying to juggle my work with agora as well. Sometimes i really wonder what im doing is really worth it, to be running around like that, never having the chance to have proper meals. I just had my lunch/dinner at 930. Hardly surprising, and don't know why i feel i have to work so hard even though im not a regular.

And its during times like these on my way back i start to reflect on what i want to be in life, and how i want to live out the rest of my life. Not to mention how it feels to be lonely suddenly just dawns upon you like you've been avoiding that feeling with your supposed veil of freedom and happiness. I think i look happy enough, but sometimes i too really wonder if that's really accurate, how im actually unhappy with things. Anyhow, being single does have its perks. I don't have to worry about anyone else, especially when i have a really bad day, or im really tired. Things are just simpler.... I already find difficulty in taking care of myself, im not sure i can be the juggler and still wear a genuine smile to brighten someone else's day. Work, come back and work, and sleep. Seems simple enough mantra, but wonder why its so miserable at times?

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my goodness... the whole week has been pretty crazy.. it was my first ever evaluation and as much as i was hoping not to screw it up, of course i had to because its me and its my first time lol.

My job has its ups and downs.. i have my lull and busy periods during the whole evaluation. Sometimes when everything is going well, i don't really have anything to do excep to supervise that they are doing their work well. But when something happens, everything seems to be happening concurrently, the feeling is like everyone's trying to squeeze your damn balls.

Jokes aside, i must say it was kinda terrible feeling the whole time, because not knowing what's gonna happen, and not understanding what's happening, led to a lot of doubts and questions that nobody was free enough to help. Being the so called 'smallest', i was also treated like a PA or runner.....duh.... What's worse was that i experienced the worst case of 'murphy' so far, i cannot seem to fanthom how and why. Like my rovers didn't come on time on fri, had to stay till 11pm, i couldn't get my generators even ive 'ordered', i borrowed generators only to find them faulty, go back change get wrong cable, and found out they got none left. I got sent to a forsaken place where got swamped by mozzies and now my whole body looks like a blueprint for the himalayas. And my vehicle had to break down on the last day in the middle of the field. Came back, and realised me not doing something resulted in other people can't do their work properly, really felt very bad.. Learning curve is indeed quite steep.

That said, i guess the good part is that i got to meet a lot of people that i would normally would not have met if i was in other units. Furthermore, my this batch i had reservists with me, which were different to handle but had some good times with my driver and the HQ guys.

I was pretty down and demoralised but thankfully the office had some kind souls to offer me advise and cheer me up. I think a little motivation and appreciation really goes a long way, especially for me. Im a sucker for appreciation lol. I can be the slave to work, but if i feel im not rightly appreciated or my efforts not recognised, i think i'd be hard pressed to stay motivated in the future, guess that goes with my relationships as well.

gonna head to bed now, haven't slept very well for whole week, just want to rest and not think of anything now, even though there's this recurring thought at the back of my head, till tom then.

ps: my reservist driver msged to stay in contact, lol i was touched.

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given the right setting, the right people and the right amount of alcohol... its amazing what we can do

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This week has been so crazy.... so many things still unclear of, exercise is next week.. ran around like a madman the whole week, screwed up so many things, and stayed till so late for meetings and setting up.... kinda feel depressed that how come so much things to settle in the department and changes occur so fast... sometimes really very lost as well.. but at the end of the day, when you're down and out... as long as there's somebody that understands my pain, maybe it doesn't feel so bad... and even if just one of your men tells you that you've encompassed the officer motto (not sure if he's curry favouring lol)... not that it makes everything feel better... but at least..... i feel i want to fight.... or run like a madman.... just for another day... just for them..

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