This weekend only served to reinforce the notion that I will never have babies.

At least, that's how it stands now. In the future, my stance may change, but I don't see that as being in the cards.

OH MY GOD, babies.

They make my head hurt.

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I've been thinking about my current situation with the GRE and also about how far behind I am on applications and how I don't seem all that competitive on paper and I don't know if I should be applying this semester. Maybe missing the deadline was the best thing that could have happened to me.

After reading up on the grad school application process, I've realized that I seriously need to clear up some more deficiencies on my academic record (namely, get an in-major GPA to a much more competitive level), I need to do more research, and I need to get my act together and set a DEFINITE timeline (and this time think everything out incredibly in advance).

I don't know. I just feel like... I'm not at all very confident anymore. And I think it's because it all just built up and crashed down all around me in a relatively short period of time. And maybe I'm overreacting, and maybe I'm totally competitive as is... but it's too late now. I don't feel it anymore.

I just need some time to obsessively organize everything I need to do because that's the only way I'll do it.

Deep fucking breath...

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I am so fucking tired. I spent quite a bit of last night studying for my virology exam. Second test in a row that was not at all as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe my time would be better spent NOT studying so much. Because now I am dead tired.

I want to call into work today and tell them I am going to sleep. Maybe I will. I worked for the first half of my schedule, which was fine, but now that it is later in the day there is no way I want to work for the second half. I should take a nap. It seems like the right move. I have a short paper due tomorrow and I need to actually sound conscious when I write it. So sleep: ever the more attractive option.

Someone is taping an interview outside of the cafe I am sitting at. The camera is pointed in my general direction. I may be in the background of the shot, but it still makes me nervous. I hate the way I look on film.

I have gotten over how I look in pictures--that is okay with me now. But when I am being videotaped? Ew. Fucking ew. I really cannot deal with it.

This is a particularly hard (and awkward-sounding) entry to write because I cannot type apostrophes. For some reason, typing an apostrophe brings up the Quick Find dialog box in Firefox. (I tried to type out "Firefox[apostrophe]s Quick Find dialogue box", but I was foiled once again.)

Oh, hello! The camera guy is pretty cute. I did not notice that before because I was so preoccupied with how I look on film. How self-involved. I make myself sick.

I quit this bitch. Later, folks.

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So the deadline to register for the Biochem GRE has already passed. I kept waiting until I had enough money to register for it, and now that I do, it's too fucking late.

The only hope I have now is to show up early on test day and try to do standby testing... which will cost an extra $50... assuming they have space.

If I don't get to take the test until April, I won't be able to apply to a lot of the schools I was planning to apply to: CSULB, SJSU, maybe CSULA... At least SDSU and SFSU don't require the test, but I figure it couldn't hurt to submit the scores.

In the event that I don't take the test until April, I will have to apply for Spring 2009 admission instead. That means I have to stick around here for an extra half a year doing... something. I really dread trying to figure that out.

God, I'm such a fucktard. Why didn't I fucking register?!

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...that I neglected to mention that I am now a co-author of a scientific publication.

The article is "in preparation" so it still has a loooooong way to go before actually being published, but hey, I can still put that I co-authored "Energy Transduction Inside of Amphiphilic Vesicles: Encapsulation of Photochemically Active Semiconducting Particles"!

I might have one more paper coming out of this internship. I'm so excited!

THINGS TO NOT BE EXCITED ABOUT: Actually filling out my applications to graduate school.

I hope to get the actual apps done by two weeks from Sunday. I won't worry too much about the support documents (rec letters, transcripts, score reports, etc.) until then. Though I should make some headway into contacting those potential advisors...

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So I started tutoring today.

I like the job. I had three students come in an ask for help, and when I wasn't helping anyone, I was free to do homework.

So basically, I got paid for sitting around and doing my homework.

Completely awesome.

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That is all.

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You know a few weeks ago when I was ranting about how much I hate this damn city? Well, over time, the feelings faded a little bit and life in San Jose was becoming tolerable again. Until this morning.

I don't want to get into it because words cannot describe how angry I was, and I prefer not to mentally relive it. Just know that I am back to hating this place, which is upsetting in itself.

I feel kinda guilty because my parents could theoretically afford to move out of this part of the city and into someplace nicer. A whole lot nicer. But it's pretty much all my fault because they have been spending their hard-earned money to send me to the best schools all of my life. The same is happening for my sister. It's frustrating when you know that you're the reason your family is stuck here. But it also makes me want to work harder so that I don't have to worry about stuff like that as much as they do.

Anyway, that was really beside the main point of the entry. I fought through abnormally-heavy traffic to drop my sister off at school only to realize that I left my badge to get into NASA at home.

Rather than drive back home then fight through traffic again only to arrive at work late, I called in sick.

I couldn't be at work anyway with my day going like this. I'd be miserable and probably angry. So I'm taking a mental health holiday to make this a four-day weekend, because my other job starts on Tuesday, and it's going to be a long quarter, so I need to collect myself NOW before it gets out of control.

So, in conclusion: goodnight. I'm going back to bed.

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