mood: sore/loved/angry

listening to: Juelz Santana- One Day I Smile

watching: South Park

Where to begin, I am beginning to start to understand some of my emotions and why they have came to be. Like my anger and extreme dislike towards females, not in the sense that Imma turn gay, but in the sense that I've been done so damn durty by these bitches and I don't understand why.

Like Danielle, she's the easiest to explain. This broad was supposed to be my heart and soul and shit. But then after a while shit started gettin outta hand. Arguments everyday, fights in public, and extreme jealousy. Now back then I wasn't a jealous guy. Cause I was confident in myself. But she would always flip cause I wouldn't get jealous when a nigga tried ta holla. I really didn't care cause I knew that she wasn't gonna leave, but if she chose another nigga over me that was fine to. She kept flippin on me as time went on, so I was like its over. This bitch started stalkin me, I would be out w/ this other girl named LaDawn(another story) and she would jus so happen to always be in the same area as us. I jus told her to give me my shit and stay outta my life. She came to my house when my ppls wasn't here, at first I was like aight jus give me my shit. This bitch was tryna fuck me and shit and when I was like no she tried to go awol on a nigga. So I took my shit and slammed my door right in her face. She bangs on my door and shit then tries ta force her way in. Then snuffs me, so I'm like damn now I gotta show this bitch that I don't take shit like that layin down. So me bein me I cocked back and caught her w/ a right to the forehead not once not twice but three times. I know you thinkin like damn I hit a bitch. Yea so I'm man enough to admit it won't the right thing to do but I don't take a blow to the face stagger and not do a damn thing about it. So she run off out the house and shit and cut my cable and phone wires. Then when my pops calls the police for her cuttin his lines and shit she tries and say I raped her so I lose 2 whole years out of my life cause I was on house arrest. I spent a week in detention hall too. So I feel as if I have good enough motive to hate this bitch and not trust the next.

Now onto LaDawn, this is one girl that I still kinda in a way am still in love with but I have a strong dislike for. I was madly in love with her and I thought she was gone see me through the whole shit with Danielle and try and at least give me some kind of support, cause I would have done the same for her. But about 2 months of me being on house arrest she left but she gave me a reason that I could understand. She could deal with not seeing me and jus talkin on the phone and online wasn't workin' so she had to leave. I jus wish I could apologize to her for puttin her through so much stress. I still honestly love her even though I know she probably doesn't think of me or remember me.

Next on the list ..... Amber.... Now this one is kinda tuff to talk about cause I know she's gone read this. But then again I don't care. I don't understand my feelings toward her. I mean cause we was the best of friends then we started datin'. Not a good idea. We broke up not much later after I had wasted my money takin her ass out to eat. Why I ask myself did we break, she claimed that night that her mom made her leave me. Now for then I could deal with it. She later explained to me that her mom didn't want her datin' at all. So I was like damn, I began to despise her mom for a while but then I got hit with some of the most confusin as shit you could eva hear or find out about. Not much longer she was datin otha nigga named Quintus. Now I knew him but not that well but I didn't have any hard feelings toward him. But he didn't know what he was gettin into. But thats not my point. My point is that she didn't have the heart enought to come and jus tell me she wanted to leave me and be with someone else. I coulda dealt with that. But no she tells me this bullshit ass lie and then expects me not to find out about it. Now I tried to let it go, but you try takin going through the same shit. Have your girl give you a sketchy ass reason for leaving you jus to get with another nigga. Now I don't care about her leavin for another nigga, but this bitch lied to me. Not once since she has known me have I ever in my life lied to her. I used to come to her and tell her shit not to many ppl know. But I guess me tryin to make somethin more of what me and her had killed it...Nor heres a plot twist for you. Now I went to her one day not to long ago on AIM and was like look I'm sorry bout the past but I jus need the friend I used to know back. I thought that me tryna at least patch things up would work, but nah its only givin' me more stress. I thought I could put wha' she did behind me but nah I can't she lied to me so I don't believe shit she says to me. I mean I try hard cause its the mature thing to do ya kno ta forgive and forget. But I can't I loved her and I was honest to her all the time I had not one thing to lie about to her, and she lies to me so easy just to feed her own interest not once thinkin' that lyin ta me could possibly affect me for life. But I still tried to be her friend but I guess that term doesn't mean shit. And I know some of the stuff about to say I ain't suppose to mention but she doesn't deserve the respect of secrecy she I now label her as a liar regardless of what status she has in my life. I'd rather lose her as a friend then deal with the liar that I see. Now back to wha' I was saying. Now the first day I speak to her on AIM she invites me to her house and shit. So I think hey its harmless, nah dawg after no less than 10 ta 15 mins. This broad is tryna fuck me. Now I'm all confused cause I don't know wha' to do. The nigga in me was like do it, but my other side was like nah. She kissed me hugged me and all that shit and for the moment it felt right but when I'm not in her presence it only feels like I'm tryna relive a lie. So days pass and I go back and see her again and we came back to my house since no one was here and shit. At first I was still not sure of wha' moves to make but obviously she did. I couldn't finish wha' had started cause it felt so damn wrong. I mean I couldn;t do it I had to stop and make up a reason to leave. I couldn't stand wha' had happened and it had only been like day 3 or 4 since we started talkin again. I lost all of wha' respect I had left for her. I not only now see her as a liar but now a hoe. There is no justification for wha' happened it wasn't outta love it was pure lust. And I don't care how much you try and analyze wha' happened we was both in the wrong, me for givin' in to my desires and her for not knowin how to keep her shit closed. I don't even know how to feel about her. I mean cause basically every convo we have now has been mostly about sex but if I try and talk about somethin else I am all of a sudden "not talkin about anything". So the way I see it is now I jus gotta find a way to jus tell her that I don't want anything to deal with her. My reasons for feeling like that is cause one she's a liar, theres no way around it. She can't seem to differentiate love and lust and that is not doing either of us good. I can't seem to do it either so there for I need to leave her alone. Cause wha' happened makes me think of her like these other hoes I've been w/ or around. Straight J.O.B. status. Now I know you think wha' I'm sayin is fucked up. but you tell me whats so fucked up. wha' that I aired this whole shit out. Well wha' am I posed to do when I have the desire to kill not only myself but the ppl I jus spoke of. I cannot harbor this feeling because if I do I will either be dead or in jail. So I have to let this out.

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watching: BET

mood: depressed

listening to: Mobb Deep - There That Go

I'm jus tired of livin' fa real. I mean on some serious shit. Not cause I'm havin' girl troubles or family troubles. But because this world is retarded. I mean the human race hasn't evolved or grown in anyway. We've gotten dumber. I can't seem to find anyone that I can trust fa real. I mean yea I kinda trust Amber and a few others but I dunno whether I should believe them. Not for the fact that they did me wrong. I just don't know who to trust. I mean if my supposed right hand man, turned on me. How can I trust anyone else. I mean if the niggaz I trusted my life w/ looks at me like I'm a liar. How am I supposed to feel. I mean damn. I think I might jus say fuck it and move to Richmond. Cause it seems to me like the niggaz I do know out that way got they heads on straight. I mean I ran cross this nigga named Harold at ITT and he gets my full respect cause he see that me and him got a common goal and we tryna at least help each otha get to it. Plus he like the only real nigga I know that aint fraid ta be like yea I watch anime and be feelin it but I aint like some geeky ass dude who tries to live like the characters. This nigga shows me the respect that I been askin' for ya kno. I mean cause I can't walk round my own city cause either niggaz is hatin', gay, or jus bummy. But yet I get more respect from the niggaz that live where I used ta fathom of livin'. Jailhouse niggaz give me respect cause I'm tryna do right and live my life, but I can't do that shit cause of these lame ass niggaz. I'll prolly neva get on as a producer for the fact that I'll make a beat out of a video game that niggaz can spit the truth to. But since I aint Just Blaze Kanye West or The Neptunes. I don't get heard. I won't get signed for lyrics cause I spit skill and not what the hell the women and white ppl wanna hear. I refused to dumb down anything I do to satisfy the mouths of the weak and weak minded. According to what these so called real niggaz say I should jus keep it real but how can I when I don't know what real is. I don't know what real love is. I don't know what real happiness is. I don't know nothing about living. I can't put the blame on anyone for the problems I got w/ my dad but me. I know I can't stand him, I'm sure he knows to. But I can't say anything cause my mom loves this nigga. She stuck w/ him through some serious ass problems. And he still don't know how to show my mom the respect and love she deserves. My mom kept this house in order when he was a drunk. He always tryna claim shit that aint his. Like my car, its actually my moms. According to the DMV registration paper, my mom is the owner of the car. My mom owns this house. My mom pays majority of the bills in this damn house. Now you tell me if she doesn't deserve respect. My mom put my sister through college no matter wha'. My dad act like he can't come up off some green jus ta help me pay for my own education. Cause my mom can't help cause of her credit which my dad hasn't help make any better. I don't even have love for my so called father. Its not like I'm jus going through this cause I'm young nah this nigga lost my respect when I was only 11. For all the shit he put my moms through. I know I'm a momma's boy but can you blame me, when the only person that I can remember being an actual parent to me was my mom. I mean its not like my dad aint live here. This nigga been here since I been born and I barely remember any good times with him as a kid or even now. And what's pissin' me off is that I dunno whether my life is actually like this or is it my imagination exaggerating things. I'm tired of this life I wish I could jus wish everything they way things need to be maybe I might be happy then.

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watching: Adult Swim

listening to: some beats that I am workin'

mood: sleepy

Well where shall I start, work was good today even though I am tired. I just need a massage. I really wish I had a record deal so ppl could hear my music and feel me for me. Cause niggaz be feelin wha' I gotta say but thats only a handful compared to the whole world. So I will just leave it in God's hands and if its his will I will be allowed the oppurtunity to showcase my talents and express just how Ifeel verbally not just through written word but through spoken thought

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watching: Steve Harvey

listening to: Juelz Santana- Back Again

mood: high

I'm high and don't have a lot to say other than I need money and my own place holla back.

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watching: Johnny Bravo listening to: We Gonna Make It (Instrumental) mood: indifferent "Another day another dolla my motha would holla" - Nas I've been doing alot lately, I've gotten back to workin on some beats. I got 2 new beats. I like em but will they sell is the question. In other news, me and amber are back ta not hatin' each otha again. In a weird way I am comfortable but sometimes I get kinda skeptic ya kno. Cause its like we jus picked were we left off w/o missin a beat. I mean I like it but ya kno I just gotta get used ta us talkin and shit like we used ta. Cause I got so many emotions botteld up I don't wanna let the wrong ones out. Like ya kno sometimes I get kinda worried ya know. Who's to say she isn't usin' me? Who am I to think like that? I got some many questions that I wish I had a definite answer to. Like is this love or lust, cause those kinda situations are getting old to me. I mean cause I don't wanna be gettin' all in love again and then this be something totally different. I mean cause we was at each otha head and shit. We woulda cussed each otha out and shit like that. Amber and I have like a real weird connection. Like this hasn't been the first time we hated each otha and jus picked up like nothing happened. I mean like the first day I went ova ta hers ta chill since we started talkin again was the same day we started talkin again. I mean I guess I might jus be nervous that this is gone end up bad although I want it to go good for real this time. I mean maybe this feelin will go away soon but for now immma smoke this weed and drink this pepsi and think. So till next time yall niggaz be safe and live life the only way ya know how...

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watching: True Life

listening to: Lady Saw- What A Bum Bum

mood: sleepy

*drums* The champ is here!!!*drums* The champ is here !!!*drums* The champ is here!!!*drums* Wha's really good NuTang, I jus so happened ta stumble across this new journal site and decided to sign up and shit. So fuck it tho like fuck it tho, I smoke alotta weed but ya love it tho... Haha... I gots plenty oh shit ta tell ya ppls. So all you nosy mutha fuckaz get ya popcorn and sit back for a while...

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