Sometimes I think I suffer emotional pain more than anyone else, but when I look at others and how they react to their pains/confusion I wonder if mine is negligible or are they exggerating their pain. To be honest, retail therapy has done me wonders, thanks mr versace. But I wonder how painful it would be in someone elses shoes. I wonder how alina feels about all this, is she in the same pain I am, or is it a different kind that I will never experience?

My friends pain comes under for entirely different reasons, in one hand I feel envious of his pain ,but at the same time when I deeply think about it, I'd hate to be in his shoes. He has one of the hottest girls in sydney as his girlfriend. Scores of guys stare at her everywhere she goes, not only is she beautiful and elegant she has an aura of untouchability as if she was a princess. A girl like that could marry an asian prince if she wanted to, not only does she come from a wealthy background, but she is vastly intelligent as proved by her doing her PHD in USYD at the age of 23. A girl like that would no doubt expect guys to PAY for everything.

Hell I'd be surprised to ever meet a guy who wouldn't offer to buy her the most expensive meal or clothes if it meant a date with her. Considering my friends monetary problems due to ex gf and gambling, he has no money. Him coming from a wealthy background now is in poverty for the first time in his life and cannot take her out anywhere. On one hand he wants to meet her, on the other hand he knows he can't afford to meet her. Taking my advice he told her truth, and to my and his surprised she said money doesn't matter and she pays everytime they go out together. It's coming to the point that she would have spent several thousand dollars on him, paying for hotels, shoes food, things that she bought him out of her own voluntary will rather than him asking.

For a guy used to shouting and paying for girls the feeling of being inferior and being shouted out is hurting his ego/confidence in himself and he feels inadequate. He would rather not go out to place where they spend money, but she doesnt eat at fast food joints, she eats at restraunts take costs $80 a head . Its something she is used to ,and everytime they go out t o eat, it puts a large dent in his ego knowing that he doesn't want to be a beggar to her constantly. Occasionaly he borrows money from him, money he desperately tries to manage, which goes out the window since everytime he meets his girlfriend he feels obliged once in awhile to pay.

Today he came home all depressed and asked why, he said his girlfriend went shopping for new shoes for her graduation,and she insisted on buying him new shoes when she bought his. Whats wrong with the situation? Isn't he the one who is meant to be buying her the graduation present not vice versa? He can't do anything for her, and he truthfully thinks that he would be better off with someone not as pretty or wealthy, but someone who doesnt mind eating noodles with him at home and living with him. But from he tells me she is so nice to him that he can't even meet other girls nor can mr ex playboy think about other girls guilty in the fact she does everything possible for him and he wouldn't be a human being if he hurt her feelings. He didnt love her at first ,admired her beauty , but later fell attracted to her genuine love for him.

The girl obviously has a huge ego, and constantly boasts to her friend about how nice her boyfriend is , and how special he is, yet she ommits the fact he is dirt poor and she has to pay for him. Obviously they know the guy who captured the heart of the princess must be a special guy and automatically assume he is some wealthy tycoon. He knows when her friends find out about the situation the girls ego will be shattered and wonder if she loves him enough to sacrifice her ego and pride.

To get to the point, the pain of not being adequate for the person that really loves you, that doesnt mind you being poor of not being able to repriciate the same amount of affection she shows to him. I advised him he shouldn't feel pained, if she truely loves you, she wont think you are inadequate, and no doubt he would have the done the same thing in her shoes if the roles were reversed. What I admire in him is a playboy who has girls asking for his phone number on the streets changing his ways to accomodate the heart of someone special in his life, she has given him the gift of her heart and the burden he feels treasuring it. And what an admirable job is he doing of it too, even though it pains him having the great burden of holding the heart of someone who will sacrifice everything for you.

My roommate/workmate is in the same situation. She spent her lifesavings buying her boyfriend versace leather jacket and shoes because she loves him so much that she said it made her happy spending money on him.

Times like this makes me realise there are genuine love out there, and I am glad I can observe these great relationships that are right next to me ,even if I am not able to experience them.

I really did have that someone special in my life, helen for those that know her.
She was beautiful, she was intelligent, she was faithful, truthful. She did everything for me which I took granted and I still take for granted. She drove everyday 1hr to see me. When I was poor she paid for my debts. Not once did I ever had to worry about her going out with friends alone, because she was someone who was so faithful and in love with me that I didnt even worry if she met her ex bfs for dinner occasionally. She could have dated rich good looking guys who drove bmws when she dated me , a poor boy who had nothing but the gift of love for her. In my way I did do the best I could for her at that time, but now I come to think of it, it wasn't as half as much as what she did for me.
I realise how selfish I was wanting what she could do for me, grumpy when she wouldn't pick me up even if she had to drive 3hrs to see me on occasions. Grumpy that she wouldnt come to the city at 2am to have fun with me because I had no one to go with without realising she had work the next day.

If I could turn back time I would, but nevertheless I can't reverse how much of her time I wasted considering she was hoping she would marry me oneday.
I wonder how much pain she felt back then.. having given everything to the relationship and receieving nothing, and what she feels now , knowing that I finally metamorphed into the man she was waiting for, but flew beyond her reach.

Pain...lifes cruel lessons.

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The path for me has ended as quickly as the path I started upon.
In this , I learnt many things about myself and others. What started with a dream ended in a lesson in life. Nietzche my supreme maestro of life said what does not kill us only makes us stronger. And indeed the objectivist within me ( not the ayn rand kind), has developed emotionally , where no longer am I a kid yearning for emotional rapport.

The feeling of being wanted, needed, the emotions that exist within all children develop subliminally as we grow older that they don't become apparent, but are hidden within our actions. To be loved , to be wanted, to hear the words I love you, makes us feel alive living beings with reasons to live. Why? Because we are all humans who are horrified at the idea that oblivion may exist. For the same reason all kids are scared of the night. We want to be part of something, bigger than ourselves, and a universe or life that only contains ourselves is a frightening world indeed.

I have to say, in the emotional department behind all those iron curtains I shelter behind lies the same kid that exists within everyone else. The kid that hated sleeping alone in the dark. When that call for help came, a certain person did enter my life and I felt alive. For a moment I forgot who I was, the lessons I learnt, and wanted someone to look after me. For a moment that light that entered my life was so bright, it blinded me as much as the darkness. Whereas a depressed me saw nothing but pessimism, a blinded me only saw optmism without seeing the person as it was. That person was a kid, immature, but kind. Yet there was too many things different from I from them that I failed to realise how it could not be so.

Many people understestimate me from lack of action or lack of words in real life that show my thought processes. Indifference is how I think of most things, as I calculate most results/possibilities faster than anyone i know alive. Except what I realise is what I see in others or perceive about the world, not necessarily anyone can see or admit to be able to see. Who wants to admit to be weak? Who wants to admit that they know nothing in life including myself? We cast iron curtains, shadows of self deceit around us, disguising itself as sarcasm, pseudowisdom and pseudo intelligence.

There's only been a few people in the world I have run across that have indeed spiritually developed past the stage , and if theres onething I ran across that existed in all of them was acceptence of others and their belief.

In relationships we have to have a platform that can be shared by both of us, it is a journey of life that we travel with our loved one. A journey isn't shared if one person is walking 5times as fast as the other person , it is only a journey if one person waits, for the other person to catch up or they walk together.

Now through my unique experiences and perception of life I see a journey ahead of thats bleak and lonely. I look around and see no one for miles around.Have I got lost in this life journey of mine, going a place where I was not meant to, or I am going the right path, just waiting for everyone to catch up? My call for companionship thanks to the internet has allowed me to communicate with people on different paths of the journey, I see most peoples journey as the same road I travelled eons ago, whereby some are wandering around in circles continuosly lost. Occasionally I see a person walking faster than anyone else, and I try give them tips on how to reach that destination faster, some take my advice, some think they know better and continue to walk in circles.

Once in awhile as of recently, I run across a person in an enviroment similiar to mine, whereas I fool myself into thinking they are in the same part of the journey as me, whereas in reality they are right at the start , lost in an area that only superifically looks similiar to where I am. Inside I decieve myself into thinking they are close and they are indeed the person I was waiting for to continue on my journey, when in reality that person is nowhere near me.

I've come further in life than I could have imagined as a smallboy. spiritually and physically. I have walked this path alone all my life steadily and confidently. There is nothing to fear by continuing to travel this path alone, I am a guy who has faced everything life has had to throw at him and survived to grow stronger and smarter. I do not need someone to watch me, I need only myself not because I am self conceited or arrogant, but because I am no longer scared of the dark.

Whereby most of my previous posts for the past few weeks have been filled with unitelligent garbage, now I am returning to my old self thats developed and changed. The emptiness doesnt exist, the loneliness existed only because I failed to see that I have been with me all this time, and I will always continue to be with myself as long as I strive on this journey.

To that person, hopefully your journey will be fruitful and may you learn the most important message I passed onto you, love yourself as the capacity to love is limited by the amount of love you have for yourself, which needs to be nurtured.

Post Tenebras, Lux... after darkness light.. or after darkness enlightment. I have crossed another leg of my dark journey. :)

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Bill from "kill bill" has to be one of the taratinos best creations yet. In the first movie we assumed he was some mysterious evil psycopath who had nothing better to do than murder his girlfriend. We learn later on , not is he only extremely intelligent, witty , wise, but a man who has accepted who he is. A rare character who has no illusions to life besides aknowledging that he lives purely for his benefit. What do we know about him, he is multi lingual having been able to speak english,chinese,japanese,spanish and possibly more. Able to play the flute , extremely skilled in all forms of weaponry including martial arts, schooled in other cultures and knowlegble of spirituality and psychology. A born leader who formed the most deadliest assasin group , no easy feat , considering most of them would have been psycopathic individuals who would have killed each other at any moment if it wasn't for their respect/fear of bill.

A man who has used his innate talents to achieve everything he wants in his life regardless at the deterimental effect on others, a true sociapath. But at the same time he is in very self control of his situation as if his actions however violent are not wrong. A man who has accepted his place in the world and his role. Nothing deters him from his goal, he accomplishes everything smoothly and effectively knowing what he has to do, and anything in his way are distractions to be removed.

A man so assured of himself and his place in the world that the person most closest to him betrayal shattered his entire world. I can actually understand how he thinks, considering I'd have done the same thing in his shoes. The betrayal of trust. The trust he had that she would always be with him, the trust that she would understand that whatever he did would be in her best interest, the trust in her love for him. He calculated wrong , and he paid as did she. If anything I see uma as the villain having miscalculated everything about Bill. Contrary to her belief, he raised his daughter as normally as he could. He raised her like a real father, something she thought would not be possible. She never understood him, and probably never really tried. Bill the lonely character from the movie , misunderstood by all, and alienated from the rest.

When in the heart of things, he wanted the same things as everyone else, to be with their loved ones sharing good times with his family. She destroyed his source of happiness, and he had no reason to live, and probably looked foward to his death. I have no doubt he suicided, he had numerous chances to kill her , but he played the scenario perfectly to let her know his side of the story so she may not hate him (which she didn't at the end) , but at the same time give meaning to her whole revenge, by suiciding.

As he said, what would you expect a cold hearted murderer like me to do in that situation? Ah he is a legend, someone I am inspired by.

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http://www.superiorpics.com/cgi-bin/ultimate/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=86;t=001588;p=0

Yes, its something us geeks knew all the time. The hottest girls in the world goes for us. We don't need to worry about superifical semi attractive girls who think they are all that , and think that they only care about personality when its obviously hogwash, when girls like ALBA the hottest girl in the world obviously doent' care for looks/fame/money.

HMM LIFE IS GOOD.

¡°There¡¯s no such thing as a perfect guy. I think it would be strange if somebody was absolutely everything you always wanted, because then there¡¯d be no challenge. Also, you¡¯d feel inferior.¡±

- jessica alba.

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"We come to love not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

"You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them."

"The best proof of love is trust." -Joyce Brothers

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is
not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough.
But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade
through whose steady presence one becomes steadily
the person one desires to be." -Anna Louise Strong

"You know what's the most terrifying thing about
admitting that you're in love? You're just naked.
You put yourself in harm's way and you lay down all
your defences. No clothes, no weapons.
Nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable.
The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe
the other person loves you back and you can trust him
not to hurt you."
--- Mary Doria Russell

"Only those who attempt the absurd will
achieve the impossible." --- Escher

"Most of the important things in the world
have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying
when there seemed to be no hope at all."
-Dale Carnegie

Quotes that I find meaningful to my situation.

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Today has to be one of the most happiest days of my life.
Thank you for make it coming true, hopefully it will be the start of many more happier days.

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