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its so hard to let go of myself. its so hard to relax. it's always temporarily forgotten, but sometimes when i'm alone or some other source triggers it, i feel kind of shit. or i start to worry it may happen again. sometimes i just wish i could just run away from it.

exams are nearing. the anxiety is kicking in again. i don't know what to do. people expect so much of me. i have such high expectations. why do i even expect so much of myself? is this purely for myself? or to show family and guys that i'm independent and i can achieve better than them? is it for reputation? dont want to be looked down at? i dont know anymore.

so far, this year was much harder than i expected... its far more stressful than i had assumed, i get so little sleep, its the first time ever i have to control my eating habits and try not eat for a number of extra hours just to get the work done. i feel so bad for complaining, cos ts not like he gets to eat either.. as a mater of fact, he skips so many meals, including breakfast... he eats far less than me and he doesnt even complain.... its so unhealthy for him, but i dont know how to help him... im not always there to feed him or to make sure he has something to eat... i just wish he'd look after himself for me, at least it'd be one less thing for me to worry about... i hate it when people dont look after themselves... i dont want him to suffer from more serious problems later on in life just because hes not looking after himself properly, but he just never listens.. well ok, he listens but he doesnt follow what i say -.-" doesnt quite help

sometimes it can seem like life isnt as great as it can be... but life can never be perfect anyway... and there are too many good times i have with him, so i suppose i should be content... maybe its a common girl thing.. we just like to whinge and complain... i know sometimes i cant control it happening

i dont know how to do better, someone out there, teach me to be a better person

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sometimes things just dont run as smoothly and kind of just ruin your entire week. it was only tuesday, but it had already felt like friday. i was tired and hungry. hungry to the point i felt like i had lived in a third world country for weeks. things are beginning to get a little better. at least i have access to the online homework i have to complete lol. thats a good start....

im so tired. i feel like im running 24/7. now i know how my parents had felt having to look after us kids and work at the same time. its at this age that you start to realise that money is quite important too. its so hard to save money. no matter how hard i try, my bf just seems to save faster than i do. well, yes he works full time i barely work at all, but thats kind of besides the point haha. i want to buy him something, but i cant because i dont have the money for it -.-" hmm... well, just got to keep saving i guess.

life is rather tedious. i want a rest soon. ive lost rather a lot of weight. its terrible. i cant even control it anymore, sometimes there just isnt time for food or sleep even.

sometimes i just want someone to talk to and undoubtedly, he's the first i approach, but he never seems to have the time or energy to listen to me. he works during the day, serving customers or doing something else. its such a long day he just gets tired by the time he gets home. when i talk to him, i know hes not even listening, not that its intentional, but he falls asleep. who may i ever seek for advice and just say what i want to say at any time of the day?

im tired.

i'll just shut my eyes and hold his hand and hope hes still there going through it all with me.

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all is good for now, but how long will it last?

are things really getting better? i dont want to give myself hope, i dont want to fall again, but i like things the way they are for now.

last night he said, he couldnt imagine how he would survive a day without seeing or speaking to me. was he just tired and sweet talking or did he really mean it? i dont know, but it really made me feel a whole mile more worthy than before.

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continuously distracting myself kind of works i guess. maybe over time like this, i'll eventually see that it is possible. just keep distracting myself.

skhdfakljdhf ok that didnt quite make much logical sense to anyone reading. hmm, will it be harder for me now that i have uni as well? how will i cope... lets hope all goes well

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wow, it was rather tedious for him after all... i never thought there'd be that much for him to adapt to since its not really his first time working at the shop, it was like starting all over again, haha.. the spring cleaning brought about lots of 'surprises' i suppose ... he looked so tired, yet i couldnt do anything for him except give him a brief massage. how will he cope like that in the long run? i hope things get better for him.

as i was going home today, there was a sun shower.. then about 15 mins after, i saw a double bow! i love rainbows. they're so pretty. people say if you make a wish when you see a rainbow, your wish will come true. is it true? i made a wish anyway. =]

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its so hard to stick to what you want to do now days. there are too many interruptions. nothing ever goes according to plan. i've completely lost my organised/planned lifestyle. it's pretty hard to adapt to such a change. yes no shit its a tad late for new years resolution. but i guess new month is alright? :p achieving one thing each month - not too hard right? less stress and more productive maybe?

well for a start, hes going to have so much pressure working in a new environment where hes basically on his own. he really doesnt need more stress and shit to deal with. and with my current state of emotions, it'd be a bit hard for him i guess... for the next month, no matter how hard it is, the least i can do for him is try to keep a smile, no matter how hard things will get. i'll tolerate anything and everything. never shed a tear again in front of him. im the only one he truly trusts, i have to be there to support him, right? who else will if not me? if there's anything, i suppose i'll just surpress it till hes well settled in then maybe speak about it? i really dont even know how i'll do this, surpress anger, surpress emotions, surpress stress. i know i'll feel as though im lying or keeping something away from him, but i dont know what else to do. its not humane to just let it all out on him when hes shitting himself already.

wish me luck please!

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