watching: my cat run arround like a maniac
listening to: Al Green- lets stay together
mood: mixed up

i'm such a dillhole.
i think i made Al sad again.
i said something i hope he didn't take wrong. i didn't mean to hurt him, if i did. i never want to hurt him. i'd rather hurt myself for the rest of forever than make him hurt.

i dunno... i really love this guy. and he's not just some guy. he's my everything. he's my reason to be. he's my reason to smile. he's the only thing i got in this world that even matters.

i fuck up a lot.
i'm surprised he still hasn't dumped me. i wish i was a better person than i am. i'm such shit.

but the pity party isn't the point of this whole shpeel.
i don't know what the future holds, but regardless of what it holds, it's going to be a future with Al. no one will stop me from loving this man. no one will hold me back from being there for him. no one will ever make me step away from him. i will always feel the same for him.

love doesn't know division or subtraction
love only knows addition and multiplication.
that's how this is.

every trial that Al and i go through, every mood swing, every misunderstanding, every blink, every breath, every second of every day without each other, will not break us, but make us stronger as a couple. ... scratch that, not as a couple- as one.

i'm always going to love him. no matter what. no matter how bad he thinks of himelf, no matter what he does. i found love. i found him. i found my reason for existence. - my reason to be is Al. i want to spend the rest of every second holding on to him. i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i want to be with him for eternity. i want to kiss him, i want to hug him, i want to be held by him, i want to fall asleep on him, i want to laugh with him, i want to cry with him, i want to hold hands with him, i want to touch him, i want to see him, i want to hold him, i want to grow old with him, i want to have his children, i want to be able to watch our kids grow up, i want to spend the rest of my everything with him.

every moment i get that allows me to be with him, i will spend it with him.
i love him
i need him
i sleep him
i breathe him
i live him
i just need to be with him.

it hurts to be so far away. it really does. i'm sorry that i can't be closer. i want to comfort him, let him know things are gonna be better soon.
this distance of emptiness between us is wider and more desolate than the space between pluto and god.
i one day hope to get rid of that distance.
no... i don't hope that i will... i simply will. there's no hopes, no wishes, no "think i can's" just ... i will.

i will love him forever
i will be with him forever
i will stand by his side forever
nothing will stop me.
nothing.

without you i'm nothing, Al.
without you i can't sleep, eat, breathe, live, move, exist, or do anything but cry.

when we're together, you make me smile so much that i can't control myself. i lose my head sometimes, i'll admit it. but when i do, you guide me right back into place. you're amazing in every way, and i thank you for loving me back.

i'm yours beyond forever, Al.
boundless... forever...

ciao,
laura

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listening to: Aerosmith- "Angel"
watching: my screen's suttle flicker
mood: potpourri bowl
i hate fast food.
i've been having to eat a lot of it lately.
i'm poor, and hungry... so it's the first idea... that is... if you don't have time for ramen.
i'm gonna get so fat because of it, and then i'm gonna be all nasty and sweaty and huge, and my ass will get a zip code, and i'll lose my bellybutton.
but...
i won't let it happen.
i'm gonna just get a sprite at lunch, and just eat steff and mandi's food. i'll maintain my weight that way.

anyway....
my baby's not in a good mood today... i think i put him there.
i just wish i could reach out and just hold him, and let him know everything's gonna be alright.
i know it sounds extremely mothering of me, but i just want to be there for him.
it hurts me to watch the love of my life hurt.

when i'm alone with him, it seems like there is no world outside. there are no people cutting other people off in traffic. there are no murderers. there are no rapists. there is no pain. there is no poverty. there is no suffering. there is no hate. just us.
just him, and i. alone. just love.
when i'm away from him, trying to live in this damned world, it's like dropping a fish in a jar of pickled peppers. the fish hurts and doesn't fit in with the peppers.

i no longer see gender. i don't see a man or a woman, i just see.... people. it's rather strange. whether it's a man or a woman... i just... don't care... i treath them both like women. just... people....
for all i care, their faces could be scratched off, and they just have barcodes.
that's all i see in my mind's eye anyway.

pretty much everyone i know thinks i'm obsessed with Al.
it may be true, and i may be crazy too, but i don't care. i love him. i love him so god damned much. i dream about him, i think about him all the time, and everything i do nowadays seems to lead back to him.

i dunno what made me fall flat on my face for him. i guess i'll never know.
was it the flowers? no one has ever sent me flowers.
was it the humor? i don't laugh with anyone like i do with him.
was it the joy? i've never felt so many tears run down my cheeks because i was happy.
was it the kisses? i've never felt so into anyone as i have when i am kissing Al.
was it the hugs? he has the most fufilling hugs.
was it the sweetness? no one is this nice to me.
was it just the love?... i think that's it.

i would do anything for him, and i will stop at nothing to make his dreams, his fantasies, and all of his desires come true. i just want to make him happy, and spend the rest of my entire life and whatever i have after that, where i exist, just making him happy.

i'm in love.
it's always gonna be this way.
i'm never going to love anyone this much. ever.
this is it.

g'bye.
laura

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watching: those funny little lights on my modem. DANCE FO ME BOJANGLES!
listening to: cky- plastic plan
mood: purrrrrrrfect o_-

i am in a GREAT mood today
whether steff and mandi know it or not, i really am mad at them.
stupid... drunkards.
annnyway.
i made my first trip to taco bell by myself today during lunch. i had me a spicy chicken burrito. because i'm a fatass.
I AM SOOOOO DAMN IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna just post it everywhere.
i wanna dance arround and cheer about it.
i wanna let everyone know that i found mister right.
as cheesy as "mister right" sounds.
but mister right is mister Al
he's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. and i don't know what it is that he does that drives me nuts... but, whatever it is, it hits the spot.

yesterday was an intense day between him and i.
by saying intense i'm not saying that we were intense in the sense of
angry or displeased, but more intense as in passionate, and most of the time we seemed to have been losing our minds and just cutting loose on each other.
it was FANTASTIC.
but no more than a suttle implication as to what the day consisted of will be given.
our business is our business.

anyway... today was awesome as well, but not as awesome as yesterday.
i got to drive to school, then to work, then home. and i got pissed because i went up to the store to pick up some milk and some tissues for my grandma, and i really wanted my damn sprite, but she only gave me 5 bucks for this stuff, and i had 4 quarters in my pocket extra for my sprite, so i got SO DAMN PISSED because
when i got both the tissues and the milk, it came to ta total of $5.73 THIS WAS SOOOO ANNOYING. i wish these were the days when a dollar was really a dollar :/ oh well...
i'm going to pour myself a hot bath and milk bessie one last time before i read a book and write some poetry by my lantern.
gotta go to bed... i get up at four... because i'm all amish and shit

peas and larvae,
LAURA!

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watching: this damned screen.
listening to: deftones- passenger
mood: indifferent.

most kids my age are out.
tonight is the volusia county fair... tonight everyone that goes to my school
is at the fair, or out drinking.
i've never consumed alcohol. i've never done any drugs, exept acid. (just skip the easy stuff and get right to intensity, huh?)
i'm sixteen.
i feel like the second i got out of public school, my life shifted into neutral, and i lost everything.
i've never met anyone in real life before i started dating them.
i've never been able to just walk over to someone's house and hang out.
i've never had shit.
but that's fine. i got all i need, with Al.

i can't trust my mom, because i'm not always truthful with her.
i can't trust my dad, because he's a neurotic alcoholic bastard.
i can't trust my sister... that's a whole 'nother ballgame.
i can't talk to my brother... he lives too far away, and he's always busy.
i can't talk to family. as typical as it sounds, they don't understand.

you take a child, and you put them in a cage and set it by the window for sixteen years.
each achievement, you give them a cookie... something like that.
they have their prize, they have nothing else, but a window they sit there tapping on. if they tap to hard, or talk through the window, you discipline them.
a scalding "no no no" will do the trick, but sometimes,other precautions are necessary.
sometimes you let them out for a walk.
they can't go to far, for too long without you, becuase if they do... you surely assume they've hurt themselves. seeing as they would never come running back if something was wrong.
it's not my fault i'm this way... it's just the lack of reasoning.
not just on my part, but on the people who raised me's as well.
oh well.
i'd rather sit here in a sea of my own tears and a pile of my own excrement than waste my fucking life partying.

i wouldn't be who i am today if it wasn't for all of the people who fucked me up.
i suppose the greatest revenge is to succeed, and prove all of your nemises wrong.

let them watch their own towes fall down on them.

isn't life wonderful?
peas and larvae,
laura

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watching: minutes...hours....seconds
listening to: cannibal corpse- i cum blood
mood: widdle lawa is sweeeepies :(

I GOT A CAR YESTERDAY MAN!!!!
it's an '01 hyundai elantra, and it's got low milege, and it's gas efficient, and highly economic -big stupid grin- and last night, as soon as i got it, i put my pink floyd sticker on it -does a little jig-
welp
i gotta go
I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO than this.
peas and larvae, and much keilbasa, kids.
laaaaaaura-loo

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watching: things wiggle in my mind's eye
listening to: halcyon &on &on
mood: weird shit
sunday i hung out with my sweet Al again. i love him sooooo damn much. there's nothing that can change the way i feel about him, and i sware i'm going to be with him forever. tender kisses, sweet moments of vulnerability that only he sees. i can't believe i got to be with him two weeks in a row. it makes me feel sooooo great.
inexplicable.

yesterday i got in a fight with someone that doesn't even matter, so screw them. forget i menchaned it.

today i overdosed on caffiene, and i had to get my mom to pick me up early from work ( well, community service: i started last week, and they already want to hire me, but i'm not done with my hours yet dood!!!)

never do too much caffiene, and if you ever do it for fun, do it safely, and eat something with your caffiene that isn't sugar. i used to be able to ingest arround 900-1200mgs of caffiene and still eat sugar and be alright, but since i started going on this weird sprite thing where i drink nothing but sprite and juice and milk, i've had practically no caffiene. the most i get is from the ocasional coke or pepsi. but i got extremely sick today because Steff bought these little pumpkin candy corn doodads at lunch because they were in the reduced cart at food lion, and we were all hungry. (Mandi, Steff, and myself) so we got them, and i got an energy drink (mountain dew- Amp, which, mind you, tastes like a mountain dew flavored gummy bear) and i sat down and ate some with them, and drank my amp, which gave me a gee-normous boost because this morning i had quite a bit of caffiene. i woke up, ate 3 miniature hersheys bars, drank 1/2 a sprite, and had about 2 (300 mg) caffiene pills. so i was already hyper, but started to feel the down hill ride arround lunch because of the lack of stuff in my tummy.

so i got to work thinking i could make it through today without any problems. come to find out caffiene doesn't make up for lost sleep very easy. i vomittedtwice, and dry heaved a few times. i was shaking and spazzing out at work and i had very little control of myself. i ended up pussing out and calling my mom and she came to pick me up. i was sitting there looking like a crack addict. i rub my hands when i get nervous and tap on things as well. so i was standing there on the steps of the volusia county government building steps rubbing my hands and tapping on my books. it was rather odd, and pretty funny to see what people's reactions were to a bug-eyed school kid sitting there twitching and expressing all of these habitual nervous ticks quite sparatically.

when my mom came to pick me up, she seemed angry but not. she was angry because i told her what happened, but sympathetic because i'd learned my lesson.

GOD DANG
i miss Al
i started an Al book, and it's sooooo neat. Kind of obsessive, but pretty neat.
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
I LOVE AL
I LOVE AL
I LOVE AL
I LOVE AL!!!!!!

peas and larvae,
laura

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