I think it's high time for medical professionals to stand up and be honest
about the true nature and course of some mental illnesses, even though it
will be unpalateable to the media and the general public. (i.e. that NOT all
are acutally treatable). Until they are more vocal and honest about the
suffering of the people they "treat", then those left behind following a
suicide will continue to have to suffer far more than they might otherwise,
forever left with the question "Why?" and tormenting themselves that "it
could have been prevented...if only the right psychiatrist could have been
found...if only the right drugs had been administered...if only the right
therapist had been found".

Psychiatrists/doctors should be mature and honest enough to say: "your loved
one was in extreme torment, probably had been since birth, and, after trying
all medications and therapies to no avail, there really was absolutely
nothing more we could do to alleviate their sad suffering. So, your loved
one did the only thing they could do. It is very sad they had to take their
own life in such a horrific manner but sadly the law left them no option.
There are drugs that could have been administered to allow them a peaceful
passing after a lifetime of torment, but in our "civilised" society we
prohibit the dispensing of them, turning our backs and leaving the poor
sufferer to make their own more messy arrangements. I am really sorry. But
there was no other end to this story". If doctors were honest then friends
left behind would torture themselves less. They need to know the truth. They
deserve to know the truth. Pretending that the person was suffering from a
passing depression (and, of course, as we know from the radio and TV
soundbites, depression is always "treatable"...isn't it?) leaves people with
regrets they need not have. They would have to come to terms with the fact
(as we already know) that "life is not fair", but at least the honest truth
about mental illness would be in the public domain. I suspect that the
reason that the psychiatric profession isn't vocal and honest is because it
doesn't want to publically admit that it's impotent in many situations.

The (good) psychiatrists know jolly well that there are some truely
excruciating hellish mental conditions that can affect sane, nice,
intelligent people, and about which very little can be done. Of course you
don't know who can be helped and who can't be until you try, but that said,
the honest truth is that some people cannot be helped to any significant
extent. At this point they are on their own. If they had a terminal physical
illness then assisted suicide from Dignitas might be an option. But if it's
mental illness it's not.

The rotten truth is that there are indeed quite terrible mental conditions
that are lifelong and cannot be helped and cause the sufferer to live in a
never-ending hell. I wish this were not the case, but it is. For some it is
an effort just to get through every minute of every hour of every day.
People who are not afflicted in the same way can NEVER understand. Even the
most expert and experienced mental professionals will never really know the
alienated hell that some of us live from childhood. They think we are
attention seeking and self-absorbed and feel that to some extent we are the
cause of our own problems. That's an extra cross we have to bear. They know
not what they do. People who live life and are relatively normal can never
really know how terrifying some states of existence can be. Oh, they may
think they do ("I was depressed once - thought of ending it all") but they
cannot know, any more than I can know what it would have been like to feel
alive and connected to the world. I've had imagined glimpses of it and it
looked/felt so beautiful - but my brain is not normal and instead I have
suffered an alienated "life" with an ever present all pervading emptiness.

Oops. Sorry. Went on rather longer than I had planned. Anyway, my point, I
think, is that ASH is much needed and much appreciated. It has its
limitations and dangers, but first and foremost it is one place where we can
be honest about our pain. An oasis of truth in a vast desert of denial. A
place where there is true mature compassion and where we can look life, in
all it's forms, squarely in the face. A place where we can calmly, maturely
and sadly tell the truth. Others may not like our truth. To listen and
believe us would shake their faith and make the world a frightening scary
place - far better to ignore us, tell us we will get better etc etc and
retain their much needed safe world view. Sadly we are the ones living it
without the luxury of choice. Oops. Im off again aren't I?! Shall stop now.
I am just so glad ASH exists. I am sorry to be here, but I am glad you are
there.

J

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i went to saylorville today. walked around on the "beach" ( lakes can't really have beaches, especially in iowa).
i think i'd like to get a bike. i haven't had one since i was around ten. what do bikes cost these days anyway?
my mother asked if i needed to start seeing a counselor again. because the school called twice and told them i was skipping ( even though i've skipped like a week now). my mother thinks there's something wrong with me and it's the fault of the internet and being on it too much and talking to drop outs and druggies. and apparently she thinks that i think that that's cool and i want to be like them so i start skipping school and staying up real late. she must think that i'm a fucking idiot or something. does she really think i can be brainwashed that easily! anyway, what i was getting to is...i don't think i'm the one that needs counseling, if anyone, it's my parents. a lot of my fucking depression is caused by them anyways.
but yeah, the only reason why i'm not going to school is because i've lost interestin i don't feel like going so i don't. but yeah, i'll go tomorrow. right?


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dysfunction:
Abnormal or impaired functioning, especially of a bodily system or social group.
(dictionary.com)

my mother said some interesting things today...
"you might want to get a clue about why you're all depressed and feel like you do. you never express any emotion...except anger." i think i express emotion. just not to my family because i don't trust them with my emotions.
"how do you function? how do you get up and function daily? you're so dysfunctional." now she was talking to my father, but i'm sure she was thinking of me as well. i really don't think she has much room to talk though. if she's soooo fucking functional herself then why the hell is she living with us? she threatens leaving practically every weekend, why hasn't she? why didn't she divorce my father when they first got married? ever since i can remember she's threatened divorce and to kick my father out of the house. i used to have fucking panic attacks as an elementry kid because they would be fighting and she would be threatening to divorce him and kick him out. honestly i think my alcoholic druggie of a brother might be the most functional of all of us.

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