i haven't written in weeks, but there has been nothing worthy of documentation, or nothing i could muster up the courage to talk about (sounds more like it). although last week i found myself with a clutch purse full of lighters. how they got there, i couldn't tell say. guess you can only go so long telling yourself you are quitting cigarettes before it loses its effectiveness.

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"i mean to say that if you have experienced an evening more exciting than any in your life, you're sad to see it end; and yet you still feel grateful that it happened."

and despite the amount of evenings encountered, you still remind yourself of the many to come. with the experiences that linger in our heads that face a tapestry of thoughts, finding each juncture is as funny as the next. past, present, and future, the bitterness subsides and the sense of obligation takes over. the picture is clean, isn�t it. during one night, it could be the whole day, maybe an hour, or maybe just the minutes. so how about tomorow?

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"The tension of opposites?"

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

"Sounds like a wrestling match, I say."

"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."

"So which side wins?" I ask. "Which side wins?"

He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins. Love always wins."

TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE BY MITCH ALBOM

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"He probably was. Your problem is you don�t understand what that word means. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that�s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person that shows you everything that�s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you�ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.�

break your heart open to let new light in.

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every day that i look outside and see a beautiful landscape, i turn to look back on the inside and see the place that i kept open for you. always for you. your fingertips are barely acquainted with the armrests and the ottoman doesn't know what exactly your heels feel like - crossed vs. uncrossed, upright vs. slouched, calloused vs. well-pedicured. i didn't want it to be left that way. i wanted for the wallpaper to be scribbled on and the cushions to be stained and the light bulbs to need to be replaced at least once. i wanted for you to leave your scent and your DNA in the form of hairshafts and fingernail clippings. i wanted you to leave the newspaper with the crossword puzzles partially completed, the classifieds stained with highlighter, and the editorial section ripped out to spare yourself the grief of the words of the know-nothing locals.

oh, well.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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