I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful --
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

Sylvia Plath

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mood: hurt
listening to: U2



So this is the full length Scientology episode that Tom Cruise tried to stop from airing. At one point in this episode there is a whole montage about the "actual" beliefs of Scientologists that prompted me to do some further research. I went to the Church of Scientology's official website where, to my horror, I found that most of the facets of Scientology depicted in this South Park episode are in fact true (personality tests, thetons, auditing, etc). The only thing that has never been published by the Church is the "Hidden Truth," or the whole galactic ruler Xenu thing, which is apparently only disclosed in a series of advanced courses at sea on the Scientology cruise ship, Freewinds. No, for real. I found that piece of information on Wikipedia so it must be true. ;)

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mood: neutral
listening to: madonna



This is a short video about the South Dakota abortion ban that was recently chosen to air on Current TV, a new satellite and cable television network that takes a pretty progressive approach to programming. A large part of Current's schedule is loaded with short videos created by people like you and me about everything from political controversies to cultural phenomena. You can upload your own videos to their online studio, where they are viewed and voted upon by people who watch Current TV. Current will even pay you $500 if your video is chosen to air.

Current TV is the product of a movement called Take Back TV, which you can also find more info about on their site. Not only is Current one of the only independent media companies on satellite and cable TV, but it's also chaired by Former Vice President Al Gore. The short video scheme allows Current to air information about more issues from more perspectives, and I am totally addicted to watching it. Much of the content is related to social justice issues such as the war in Iraq, the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and other current events. When I found that Current programming is somewhat repetitive (being a brand new channel and all) I started checking their site for new short videos to be aired. Some of them are really good, so it's worth it. If you live on PSU's main campus, it's channel 31. You can find the Current channel on your TV by visiting their website at www.current.tv.

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mood: perplexed
listening to: catalyst by anna nalick



So something happened to me yesterday that is just way too much of a coincidence. I know that strange things happen all the time, but sometimes things make you pause, or flat out put you on your ass. Let me preface this story with another short story: I was 15 or 16 and my mom, sister and I went on vacation to visit my cousin in Palm Beach. We were staying in a beach front hotel and on the last night of our stay, I decided that I wanted to see the sunrise over the ocean and collect the early morning shells that had washed up overnight. I got up at 5am. I sat and watched the sunrise. And then I walked along the beach by myself, wading knee-deep in the water, running my hand along the small waves turning over on themselves until I felt something tugging at my palm. When I pulled my hand out of the water, a jade cross was dangling from my hand on a dark green string. I probably stood there for a good 5 minutes just looking at it, thinking about the likelihood of an event like this, and what it could possibly mean, if anything.

If you have ever watched the movie The Messenger, you may be reminded of the scene toward the end where Joan of Arc's Conscience (played by Dustin Hoffman) discusses with Joan (played by Milla Jovovich) the myriad of possible explanations for how the sword she found in the middle of a field happened to get there. Joan, of course, assumed that the sword was put in there in the field by God as a sign, whereas the Conscience argues it was merely coincidental.

Coincidence: a sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged.

Which brings me to the main subject of this post, the fact that yesterday, as I was walking back to the dorm after my shift at the AIDS Project, I randomly found a pendant of the Virgin Mary (Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, supposedly designed by Mary herself in a conversation with St. Catherine Laboure) on the sidewalk of Pugh Street. I almost stepped on it, and when I noticed its shape I thought it might be a stone pendant for a necklace or something cool like that, so I decided to pick it up. I flip it over and it's Mary. My heart skipped a little bit. Maybe it's my Catholic background, maybe it's everything going on in my life right now, or maybe it's my deep desire for a spiritual foundation that caused me to feel, if only for a few moments, that it was meant to happen. Maybe it's all three.

I think it's natural to conclude that such events are meaningful because we want to feel connected to the universe, or to God, or to whatever or whoever it is that we think ultimately runs shit in our lives. I mean, think about it. Does anyone really take complete responsibility for everything that happens? I know I've blamed the universe before. I know I've blamed "God" before as well, when I feel like calling it that. I don't really know where I'm going with all of this, but finding this "Miraculous Medal" in the context of my life right now was just a bit too much. I even fixed it (the link was bent, which is why it fell off of someone's necklace onto the ground) and found an old chain for it in my jewelry box so I could wear it. Was it a coincidence? Probably. But that doesn't change the way it made me feel when I randomly found it on the sidewalk, or how comforting it is around my neck.

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mood: contemplative
listening to: the radio




so it looks a bit glamorous. i have smoked cigarettes since high school. actually, i'm pretty sure i smoked my first cigarette in the 6th grade at jackie p's house when we used to steal from her dad's cartons of dorals. my father smoked salems, soft packs, so he could keep them in his shirt pocket at all times. he used to save all the empty packs in shoe boxes in the kitchen closet where the garbage can was. one time he cashed in like 500 of them in for salem points and got a salem baseball cap.

i'm not sure why i smoke. i'm not even sure that i'm terribly addicted. i can go days without smoking, but as soon as you put a drink in my hand i become worse than your chain-smoking grandmother. in fact, bless her heart, my grandmom smokes a pack of viceroys a day. i love her dearly and secretly wish that she had been able to quit after her last operation. but i can't say anything because i smoke, and because she's my grams, and because i want her to be happy even though it's probably taking years off her life.





it's pretty effing disgusting if you really think about it. i was even there in the room holding my grandpa's hand when he died of emphysema in 2000, having smoked for something like 50 years, and having spent the last decade or so of his life carting around a fat tank of oxygen. i loved my grandfather and it broke my heart when he died. and yet i continued to smoke. and smoke to this day.

my boyfriend recently quit and it's still not enough to get me to want to quit. that's just it. you have to want it. i don't know why but i seriously have no desire to try. i can't seem to find any concern for it. isn't that stupid? most of the time i don't even enjoy it, not that i ever really did. i'll light up while i'm walking in between classes knowing that it's going to make me feel nauseous and sick. half the time my pack goes stale during the week because i only smoke a few cigarettes a day. i know how stupid it is. i remember hearing and watching my father cough up gross stuff into the kitchen sink every morning. and it's not like i don't think about how it cost the lives of some people that i loved.

i don't know. i'm smoking what they're selling and it sucks.

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While my hair was still cut straight across my forehead
I played about the front gate, pulling flowers.
You came by on bamboo stilts, playing horse,
You walked about my seat, playing with blue plums.
And we went on living in the village of Chokan:
Two small people, without dislike or suspicion.
At fourteen I married My Lord you.
I never laughed, being bashful.
Lowering my head, I looked at the wall.
Called to, a thousand times, I never looked back.

At fifteen I stopped scowling,
I desired my dust to be mingled with yours
Forever and forever and forever.
Why should I climb the look out?

At sixteen you departed,
You went into far Ku-to-en, by the river of swirling eddies,
And you have been gone five months.
The monkeys make sorrowful noise overhead.

You dragged your feet when you went out.
By the gate now, the moss is grown, the different mosses,
Too deep to clear them away!
The leaves fall early this autumn, in wind.
The paired butterflies are already yellow with August
Over the grass in the West garden;
They hurt me. I grow older.
If you are coming down through the narrows of the river Kiang,
Please let me know beforehand,
And I will come out to meet you
As far as Cho-fu-Sa.


Li Po
translated by Ezra Pound

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