im glad you left that hoodie here last night. as i was going to bed, i noticed it laying there and decided i would sleep with it. i curled it into a ball, and as the smell of you wafted out of the seams, i remembered how much you meant to me. i remembered you being there, and i remembered that i never wanted that to go away. i realized last night i was being a jerk and im sorry. sometimes im a little touchy. but now after waking up with thoughts of you, i remembered that the only way to keep you here is to quit crying when im alone, and start enjoying everything i have, like family, friends, and most importantly you. im sorry, and i promise to you i wont let it happen again. im not going to fake my smile today, this time, its for you, and from now on, its for real. sorry for being like this, sometimes it happens. good morning world, its been a while since ive smiled, and now i have the greatest reason in the world to smile. i didnt mean to let you down, but from now on, im keeping you happy.

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i realized this. all this time, i was just being an ass about my feelings, and im sorry. im going to make everything better, just give me a day. ill be ok tomorrow night, although jordan might hate me, and you might not want to listen to my stupid jokes. goddamnit im an idiot, and im sorry.

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this is it. i promise. tonight im going to do something to make myself better. im going to run through a barbed wire fence, cause myself a lot of pain, and forget my past for a while. im sorry alyse, i cant deal with this pain. im going to have to let you go for a while, and let this pain sizzle down. talking to you does nothing but pour salt into my open wound, and im sorry. i know it hurts, and i know that getting this will hurt, but i have to do it. i cant do this anymore. ive put on this charade for a month now, and it hurts too much to keep going. im sorry, for all the pain that ive caused. im sorry for everytime i did something right, and made you fall in love. im sorry god damnit, im sorry for everything. im coming home this week, but i dont want to see you. i do, but i know its going to hurt too much. just give me a little time to get over this pain, and then it will be ok. at least i hope it will be. im sorry to do this to you, but it hurts me so much, that i cant deal with it. im sorry. thats all i can say.

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tonight, i realized something. I realized that everything i had ever been afraid of, finally caught up wtih me, and i broke down. I looked to you for helo, and thats what i got. i felt sick alll day, and after i started to cry when i talked to you, i started to feel ok. Right now, i feel sick, but mentally im ok. i know i said i wasnt going to fight, but then i realized, where is the fun in that? honestly. its not fun. but you are right, i need to start worrying about myself instead of trying to keep people happy. so, now im going to lie and say that ill start doing that, and say it to make you feel good. and, when you said you feel special, remember, you are. especially to me.

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i woke up feeling amazingly sick this morning. i went to my first classes, and came back to my dorm and slept. i went to the union to see miranda, and then... then my afternoon disappeared. i remember practice, and hanging with josh, but then i went to sleep, and i woke up, and i cant get back to sleep, and i feel amazingly shitty, and my mind is racing, and my heart is pumping, and im scared. im seriously scared.

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technically, its "saturday, a dance in the stars." but im not going to be technical tonight. Ive been trying to sleep for the past 2 hours, but i dont honestly feel comfortable right now. anyway, if i didnt tell anybody this before, saturday, was my own slice of heaven. i spent the whole day with miranda, and i loved it. we went to my cousins wedding, and the first part was ok. we were all breaking the ice with each other, my uncle and i passing jokes around, and miranda and i being silly like usual. before i met you, i dreaded the thought of sitting around a wedding reception, being the only one down in the whole place. but i wasnt. i was happy because you spent the afternoon with me. im sure you had things to do that afternoon, like go and see your friend at her campus, but instead you spent it with me, and that makes me feel good. but i say it was heaven, because it was. we didnt sit around in the awkwardity we had all last week, we spent the night just being ourselves. we had fun, and it was great. when we were getting in the car, before everyone left, you did something, that made me so comfortable that i loved it. you were standing behind me as i was coaxing my cousin sandra out of the car, and i stood there with my hands on my hips, and my shirt tucked in, and you put your arms around me, and held my shoulders and put your head right on my shoulder. for that moment, i felt excellent. i knew that you trusted me to keep you warm, i knew that you confided in me that i could do that right. you trusted me to be your warmth, and thats great. then, of course, like the big jackass i am, i held your hands and put them on my pecs, and struck a big gay pose. sorry about that, im just retarded. but in any case, it made me feel great that you trusted me enough to do what you did. i spent every year of my life (ok, maybe not the first 6 or so, but you get my jist) trying to make my parents, family, friends, whoever trust me, but your trust in me was natural. you didnt ask me if i could do it(keep you warm) you knew i could, so as you held me in your arms i was happy. we went to Wal*mart with my mommykins, and i got a mouse and a frame for your picture, and you stayed over last night. and as i layed there, with your head on my shoulder, i knew that i was happy, and so were you, and i was in heaven. that, and the whole dream thing, although thats a different story. but, thank you, for trusting me, and thank you for being there.
writing this made me smile. :) yay!

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