I find myself starting to get attached and it scares me...... and i am breaking it off.... I cant afford to get into a relationship with school and everything so.... now all thats left to do is to tell rick..... EDIT--------- so i told him and he was like: "your inpossible and thats hott!!!!" WTF ind of an answer is that.... so anyways im done with getting into a relationship until i go to cal poly in two years.... but until then im keeping single and anyone that wants anything from me like al and whatever yea they are going to get shit from me..... cause im not giving anything out anymore...... especially money.... Im noone's girl and im noone's momma...... so yeah.....

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so tonight rick took me and my cousin and his girl out for sushi and it was amazing as always..... he spent 150 dollars on dinner for the four of us... and then because he was too drunk to drive I got to drive his mercedes to take my cousin, liz, and myself home..... luckily he was sober by the time he got home so that was good..... so tonight when i took my cousin home al was there waiting for him to get back and i was like..... wow i actually dont want to talk to you right now.... I think the shit you pulled the other night really made me get over you..... Hmmm... well thats good...... and then when we got to my house.... rick decided he wanted to tell me how he really felt about me and well...... wow.... he really does care im still a little scared tho....... but i told him everything... all of my deepest darkest secrets.... even the one that after i told him I thought he would break up with me.... but guess what..... he didnt...... o and it was sooo much more than that.... Its nice to know that i dont have to be anyone but myself around someone for once.... I mean i am myself all the time but I dont have to hold anything back and i dont have to take precaution.... and thats exactly what scares me.... but at the same time.... i am intrigued.....

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k so last night rick took me out to eat at this italian place....wait hold on rewind to the night before.... I went to the last party i will go to with my best friend in a while cause it was her last night in sac.... she decided to get really drunk cause she's not gonna be able to drink for a while.....and well I miss her a lot all the time..... but its not like i can pick up and drive down there any time i want to now......ugh ok and then we were at this party the last night we were in town and guess who went with me....... rick...... and guess who else just happened to be there............al......... and he was completely ignoring me..... which wasnt that bad at all for me.....except that i over heard some things he was saying and i was like i just want to leave. so anyways.... last night rick decided to take me to sanfran.....we were origionally wupposed to watch the sunset from the beach but um that didn't happen cause he was late so we watched the sunset while we were driving and well we went to eat at this amazing italian restaurant and his card wasnt working so i paid...... and then when we left rick was taking forever to get home cause we had to stop here or there and i still had two more hours of homework to do...... but im not upset about that...... the awkward thing was that al's friend called me on behalf of al and wanted to kick it last night and i was like nope got school tomorrow......anyways.... Im not sure if i even want to see al ever again and rick is getting really close really fast...... and i think im scared of the way he's treating me cause it feels like its too good to be true.... anyways ill write more later...

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last night was really fun...... I tried sushi for the first time ever.....but i dont know still....he said he wants a kiss tonight cause yesterday i wouldnt even giv him a kiss but like i said..... i dunno.......im still kinda liking this other guy(al).... but he isnt down for a relationship right now........ yet he definately wants play....... but this other guy(rick,the one from last night) totally likes me and calls me every night and and all day long and well you can tell he really wants to be with me.....its...... so confusing..... and everyone i know just tells me to let things happen and try not to analyze them too much but its hard when my brain wont stop and last night on the date there was about 5 minutes that i wasn't thinking about al....... and when i finally go thim out of my mind i saw a sign that aid "Al's liquors" and well.... there ya go.......

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im going on a date with a russian guy today.....hmmmmmmm.....its gonna be interesting...... and he looks white and ive never really wanted to be with a white guy before but he actually cares about me (compared to al who so far doesn't or at least not in a relationship way) and he's got money.....and lots of it......not that im a gold digger but noone wants someone who is broke.....anyways we talked over the phone and were gonna take it slow.....so we'll see what happens...........hmmmm

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looking into the mirror at my own reflection, trying to find who i am again.
At first glance i see imperfection, isee the scars of my past both physical and emotional.
I see a torn down female reduced to almost nothing.
as i fix my hair i try to take a closer look.
staring in the windows to my own soul I see insecurity
hurt, pain, I see fear
But wait it's not just the bad i see in me.
I see strength, and a realness
but most of all i see potential......


I wrote this tonight because im going through some hard times...... I really did stare at myself and into my eyes in the mirror while i wrote this.....everything said here is real...no masks attached

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