Endless Love by Alfred Gockel

I haven’t blog for quite sometime. All these assignments and presentations are killing me right now. I am glad that this current semester is going to end soon.

As usual, I have been spending a lot of time with Baby. I think I’m beginning to feel that I am clinging too much on him. I feel totally lost and completely lonely if I don’t get to see him for a day. I know it’s a bad sign. I guess I really have to divide my time among my family, friends and Baby.

As days gone by, I realize that my feelings towards him have gone deeper and deeper. Many times, when he’s sleeping next to me, I find myself starring deep in his face like he has the most fascinating face that amazed me completely.

And many of times, he will ask me to stop starring at him because he says there’s nothing special about it. Then he will take his pillow or his hand to cover his face. He can be act like a little boy at times. But I continue to do so to annoy him.
But he does not know the real reason why I stare at him. It’s because I am afraid. I am very afraid. I am very afraid that I might not get the chance to do so anymore. I am very afraid that one day I no longer see him. I am very afraid one day we will not be together anymore. I am very afraid one day he loves someone else.

Once I told him the reason why I like starring at him. I told him the real reasons and he asked why. I said I didn’t know why. But he refused to believe that. Maybe I just not ready to tell him that because I’m afraid of losing him. But in my heart, the line ‘because I’m afraid of losing you’ was playing a zillion times but I was having problem telling him that. I was almost in tears that time because the thought of not seeing him anymore. I was afraid I might burst out crying in front of him if I continued telling him.

I was so glad that I didn’t cry that time. I didn’t want him to see me cry ever again. I didn’t want him to think that I was such a crying baby and emotional person. But anyway, I guess I picked the wrong timing to tell him about it because he was quite tired and sleepy after a long night. He didn’t recall anything about it after he woke up. He remembered I said something but didn’t remember what it was about. Guys can be such a pig at times.

Looking from the bright side, I guess the fear of losing him actually makes me not to take him for granted. I appreciate every moment I spent with him. At least if something unpredictable happens in the future, I still remember all the things we did together, all the things he did for me and all the things I did for him.
I don’t know if all these are normal, but I know I’m head over heels with him.

Note to self: I made a promise to myself which is I only plan for today or next week and I won’t think about what’ll happen I a month, in a year or in a decade. Hopefully, I won’t think too much about the unpredictable.


- Get Your Own

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mood: sad


SPOTTED!
Sources say that Mr. Popular has been going on dates with a mysterious girl. Who is she? What happened to Mr. Popular’s girlfriend, Ms. Gorgeous? Have they split?

MORE SIGHTING SPOTTED
Anonymous sources say that Mr. Popular has been constantly spotted going out with the same mysterious girl.

HAVE THEY SPLIT?
Rumors have it that the golden couple has split. Was it because of the mysterious girl?

IT’S CONFIRMED: GOLDEN COUPLE HAS SPLIT!
According to the mutual friends of the golden couple, they have agreed on going on separate way. Meanwhile, more rumors have been going around saying that Mr. Popular is a two-timer Ms. Gorgeous and the mysterious girl is blamed for the split.
(Image: think of the typical couple picture which split into half)

MYSTERIOUS GIRL’S IDENTITY IDENTIFIED!
Finally the identity of the mysterious girl who is said to be the cause of the golden couple’s split has been identified. She is said to be the best friend of Mr. Popular. Apparently, they have been really closed for the past few months while working together in a project.
According to eye witnesses, the mysterious girl is a really plain looking girl. Friends of the ex golden couple just don’t know what ‘dirty’ tricks she used to have caused the split.
Due to her unpopular status, not much information can be obtained about her at the time of printing.

MORE SPECULATION CONTINUE
Was he a two-timer or is she the boyfriend snatcher?

SILENT TREATMENT
Mr. Popular has been silent for months since the split with Ms. Gorgeous. He refuses to reveal his relationship status. No one knows if he’s dating the mysterious girl or he’s still grieving the recent split.
Meanwhile, friends of both parties can’t give the exact answer if the two are a couple.

If Baby were a celebrity, those above would be the chronological headlines of the tabloid newspapers that can summarize what happened for the past few months. Trust me, they were selling like hot cakes on the newsstand. E-mail me to subscribe the out-of-print issues.

Those were parts of rumors going around about Baby and I. The key words to look out for: He is the two-timer and I am THE OTHER WOMAN.

The interesting thing is that all this rumors has been going around for quite some time and I absolutely do not aware of. And now only I hear them all from a very good friend of mine.

She felt reluctant to tell me and I remember vividly the expression she told me about the rumors, it was an expression of shock (how can you be a boyfriend snatcher?) plus concern (are you really going out with a two-timer?)

I admit that I was closed (am still closed) to Baby when he was still attached but never in my life, have I thought of snatching someone’s boyfriends. Girls all hate THE OTHER WOMAN. And I, with no exception, hate THE OTHER WOMAN, too. So no way on that and I am a strong believer of Karma, what goes around come around. And yet, now I am being accused of being THE OTHER WOMAN.

People do not know the truth. The truth is Baby broke up before going out with me. He felt sorry for making me THE OTHER WOMAN as he was behaving dilly-dally in making a decision which he was supposed to make long ago. Since he feels under no obligation of telling everyone what happened and so everyone thought he was still going out with Ms. Gorgeous. Hence, he was dubbed the two-timer.

Of course there were times I felt like I was THE OTHER WOMAN, but every time I have that feeling, I’ll tell myself: Don’t flatter yourself.

Come on, how can a plain Jane like me has enough ‘beauty’ power to possibly ruin a relationship of the ‘golden couple’. But Baby keeps telling me that being gorgeous physically doesn’t measure up a good relationship. It’s not a criterion at all. I appreciate his effort in making me feel better but when you know about the ex of the person you love, you just can’t help to compare yourself to her. Any normal girl will feel intimidated under that situation.

And for the last few months, Baby and I have gone through a lot of hard time. He took a long time to make a huge decision to finally end the relationship while I took (and still taking) time to feel less about being THE OTHER WOMAN. He has been really supportive and making sure that I am alright and am not hurt by these rumors.

I know there’s no need to tell everyone what we have been up to because it’s really none of their business. But at the end of the days, rumors hurt. But I know we both will heal.


- Get Your Own

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listening to: From this moment by Shania Twain
mood: unidentified

We were just talking about marriage the other days. Imagine this scenario of five girls standing in a circle and discussing about world issue future plans in the middle of the corridor while waiting for the next class.

(Sorry, I can’t remember exactly how we started the world issue future plans, and the content of the entire conversation was vague to me now but it was something as below)

Friend A, who always asks thought-provoking questions, asks how old do you think you’ll get married?

Friend B, who is a feminist, answers I don’t think I will ever get married but I totally agree on living together without thinking about getting married.

Friend C, who thinks pregnant ladies are beautiful, answers I think I will just have a baby on my own. Guys are just too hard to depend on.

Friend D, who is always trendy and currently has a steady boyfriend, says I really want to get married soon. It’s in one of my must-do list. Hopefully it’ll be as soon as possible. (She says with smiles)

Friend A: You mean right after your graduation? What about your career?

Friend D: I do care about my career but maybe I’ll care about it for a few years then I will get married. No matter what, I must/will/want to get married.

At that moment, I kept mum. My opinion is some what the same as Friend D. I really do want to get married as I think it completes one’s life. Of course, I don’t put it in my must-do list because I know relationship or marriage is not something which I want or work hard, and I’ll get it.

Baby suddenly came and joined the world issue future plans discussion and almost immediately, Friend A (who I think she has a crush on Baby all this while) asked how old he planned to get married. He answered maybe around 30 years old. At that point, I was like “what?! I will be almost 30 too!” then I realized that the current relationship I have with him, is not as casual as I thought. I am serious about him. Serious until I have actually thought of spending the rest of my life with him.

This is something which he doesn’t know and I don’t think I’ll ever let him know. We are only in our early twenties and I really don’t want to expect much from him especially knowing his past. He doesn’t have this so-called clean record in dating but I always think everyone makes mistake and everyone has a past which he/she won’t be proud of.

We have talked about this, too. He told me that he always has this problem in commitment. He told me that he’s aware and afraid of this commitment issue will arise again.

Well, I’ll see how everything goes…But the wedding bells are definitely not ringing now...


- Get Your Own

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listening to: Everything by Michael Buble
mood: happy

Baby has recently moved out of his house near the university and started renting a room nearby. He seemed really eager to move out to have his own room. I am not sure if I am the reason he moved out but he told me that he had been thinking about getting a room by himself for quite sometime. He said he wanted more privacy and more time to study.

Frankly, of course I am glad that he moved out. The main reason is because his ex just stayed in the next room in his previous place. Talk about insecurity and low self-esteem but I still think his ex is gorgeous and he shouldn’t be with me. And they can be together again anytime. Ok, I know, I shouldn’t put myself so low. The second reason I’m glad that he has moved out is, I can finally have some quality and one-to-one time with him. I can finally hug him into sleep and have naps in his room in between classes. Hehe.

So, I volunteered myself to help him with the moving. I even happily cleaned the floor for his new room while he was away moving his stuff from his previous place. Just as I had done with the cleaning, I stumbled upon a mini cabinet on his table. Maybe it was out of curiosity and I didn’t think much about the content of the mini cabinet so I casually opened it to have a look.

When I reached the last level of the cabinet, I saw some pictures. Yes, pictures and how people always say picture says a thousand words, I regretted checking on the mini cabinet. I saw some pictures where he was hugging a girl. Ok, maybe not hugging as I didn’t see very clearly because the moment I saw those pictures, I closed the cabinet promptly.

It was clearly that they were the ‘couple’ pictures. I think I accidentally saw some pictures where he took with his ex. Not only that, underneath the pictures, there was a bundle of letters which I think they were love letters. And the main point was, he was away and I knew I could have just read them all.

At the end I didn’t, even if it’s with his permission, I still wouldn’t it. I know myself pretty well, I will definitely start thinking too much or imagining things when I know much about his ex (es). Even now from time to time, he does mention a bit of the ex (es), I still not interested I them. I would rather not know their existence at all. And I definitely don’t want t know how many were them.

Maybe I love him a lot, I still feel upset whenever he mentions them. Sometimes I wonder if he still misses them. It makes me wonder, when he is hugging me, does he know who’s in his arms? Everyone says you’ll have the one who you love the most in your entire life, am I the one or it’s one of the ex (es)? Ok, see, I am starting thinking too much already. Bad old habit of mine.

And one thing I want to praise my Baby for is on that day itself, he told me what’s in the box and he didn’t hide about those pictures. He showed me and briefly explained who she was and yes, she was one of the ex (es) but everyone has got a past so I’ll just let it be.

I am glad that I am not some nosy person, so I didn’t check out those stuff. And it wasn’t my intention to go through his stuff anyway. If I do it, I know I’m killing myself with his past. Curiosity kills the cats but not me.


- Get Your Own

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mood: sad to the point where I wish I don't know how to spell L.O.V.E!

These few days, I have been feeling quite moody myself. A lot of times I found myself feeling upset about something that Baby had said, why he used such words or why he didn't do this or why he didn't do that.

I know it's really stupid to be upset about such minor stuff. The only thing that puts my moodiness to an end is keep telling myself "Hey, girl! He's not even your official boyfriend! Get a life!"

It's true, he's not even my boyfriend but I keep on finding myself getting involved with his personal life. It's not that I don't want us to be together but the future with him is so uncertain.

We are both in our early twenties and the word ‘future’ is such a HUGE word. Who knows what will happen in future right? I don’t want to visualize any expectation about the future just like I did in my previous relationship.

The only way I keep myself from getting hurt again is treating this whole relationship with him as a fling. So here I am declaring this is a no-string attached relationship and the problem is can I really do it? Can I be entirely doing it with absolutely no feeling involved?

It is something to be pondered over about and I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight :(

Love really sucks!


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mood: Hmmm...
I was late to class today. It was my fault for leaving the house late. Since I have my own car, I tend to reach the destination late. Guess I took my car for granted, hehe…

The moment I arrived class, the lecturer was getting ready with the teaching aid. I saw my clique and quickly joined them. Then I realized Baby was sitting alone. He reserved a place for me beside him but I didn’t notice it! Stupid me! Sorry Baby *muax*

After class, I asked if he wanted to have lunch with us but he was acting strange, declining my offer. I felt something was wrong because normally he would join my clique for lunch or movies. He left after class without even saying goodbye :(

I text him asking if he wanted me to take away any lunch for him and if he was feeling unwell and he replied saying that he wanted to get used to being alone at times. I was quite pissed off when he said that. I mean, I am all there for him and I feel unwanted

I sensed that Baby was a bit down and moody today. I wish I know why. Right after lunch with friends, I called him. He was at the mall going to watch movie alone. I immediately went to the mall and be with him.

Baby was sitting alone having lunch. He said all his friends were busy so he had to eat alone. I was a bit upset hearing that. Why he didn’t think of me when he needed companion? I guess he sensed my unhappiness and held my hands saying that he was just feeling unwell.

And luckily he was back to his normal self after some time later. Sometimes I wish I could understand him better. Hmmm…

Anyway, I did this test for fun. It’s a love or lust test! I scored:

Your love or lust rating is Real Love
The seeds of love are starting to grow, you feel very strongly about your current relationship.



Haha…


- Get Your Own

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