Comment! (4) | Recommend! | Rate! | Categories: frustration [t]

Comment! (4) | Recommend! | Rate! | Categories: frustration [t]

Wow, so when was the last time I made something up for this place, huh? Anyway, here's a new series of..things (if you'd call it that) that I'm kicking off on here. You'd get the gist of it soon enough.

Anyway, this was something that I thought up of a week (maybe two, I can't remember) or so ago and couldn't be bothered posting (well to be fair, I forgot. No, it isn't fair, is it? And no, I don't care). Eh. Here it is:

Yeah, it's reasonably old news. You Americans would know about it, I'm pretty sure.

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Rate! | Categories: frustration [t]

Ps. Yes, 'Part 1' because I expect myself to add/edit ideas eventually (hey, society develops waaay too quickly for my liking). The key word here being 'eventually'.

The distant future. The year 2000. Ever wondered why YOU aren't famous yet? I mean, EVERYBODY's a freakin' celebrity. What the hell have YOU been doing with yourself? Get off your lazy ass and follow this guide that would lead you to the peak of ultimate greatness in tabloid listings, celebrity restaurant/club openings, getting that-girl-from-The Hills's number on your phone, scoring a cameo in Jessica Simpson's next sextape and having the scumbags from E! and Perez Hilton (and their zillions of fangirls and boys and transvestite grandmas and grandads) stalk you everywhere you go (and I do mean wherever, as in, cameras when you're taking a horrible dump in a cubicle in the middle of nowhere because you had that bad curry, etc...but that's alright, you always look fantastic no matter what, because you're freakin' famous! Booyah!)


1. Marry a C-grade (atleast) celebrity. Think that contestant from The Amazing Race about five years ago, or that ass of a guy who got fired by Donald Trump six seasons ago because everybody hated him, or that bachelorette that decided to get divorced because that one true love she found wasn't rich enough.

2. Shoot/assassinate a celebrity. I'll say the C-grade rule may apply here. Anyway, the bigger, the better. Think the guy who shot John Lennon. Immortalized into a movie, played by a fat ass Jared Leto! As Dwight Schrute would say, "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery".

3. Stalk a celebrity. But do it in a clever way, like be a different person that connects to this celebrity each time. You might just get discovered and be the next big thing, and when that happens you can finally stop being a creep and leave your victim alone. Then when your fame status starts decreasing go on the E! channel and confess that you used to stalk a celebrity. Hey, any press is great press.

4. Wear minimal clothing as much as possible, camwhore lots, post your pictures and videos online. Get used to the slang. Phrases/words such as "OMG", "like", "oh no she/he didn't!", or whatever Ugly Betty says should always be incorporated into your vocabulary. especially if you're doing videolog things. Use textspeak as much as you can when you decide to go down the blogging road. Develop a personality, preferably the 'girl next door', 'shy emo girl who's in love with that boy next door who would never love me' or uh...whatever lonelygirl (that person on youtube that was a total fake? Remember?) was. Exploit it and make posts as much as possible. Also, it doesn't matter if you're totally not real.

4.5. Make sure you have a Myspace profile, whore yourself out and be friends with as many people as they would allow you to. Spam their inboxes so they'd visit your profile. Make sure it's tainted with 'tasteful' photos of yourself. Pester MTV for a contract for a reality show. Bonus if you have weird sense of sexuality.

5. Get out all your savings and move to Beverly Hills. All the famous people live there. Or atleast you've got that security that your postcode has been immortalized into famousosity.

6. Do something outrageous, against the law and super-taboo. Y'know, stuff like shag a goat or sheep, get started in a career in porn or develop an unhealthily close relationship with your first cousin. Arguably not a great idea, but starring in a 20/20 or 60 minutes documentary, or six minutes of news-program fame is still fame. On the other hand, total rebel is like, totally rockin' y'know. I mean, like, everybody should be as famous as Avril Lavigne.

7. Blackmail a celebrity. See #2. Remember to always be amazingly devious.

8. Write a song with any of these words in it: "Penis", "lesbian", "homosexual", "incest", "terrorist", etc. Anything that would provoke controversy. Be famous, think of that "I kissed a girl and I liked it" song. Yeah, like, totally hardcore.

9. If you're female, start forming an uncomfortably close relationship to Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan (oh wait, she's taken), the Olsen twins or Miley Cyrus. If you're male, go for that guy from High School Musical, or the Jonas Brothers.

10. Have a really, really rich parent. Or make sure you're adopted by one. Show that richness as much as you can by inviting yourself to as many movie premieres and fragrance launches as humanly possible.

Comment! (5) | Recommend! | Rate! | Categories: entertainment [t], fame [t], society [t]