<sup>...when our doubts become regret. dont ever forget.

seems i had a lot to say tonight.
seems i take easily to fright,
of what lies beyond youth
the lies behind my truth
random heart given caution to flight.

asthetics to worship, idols i bear.
wheels rattle, in my head is all i hear.
miserable memory blotted of you
lucky lucy loves dying, dying anew
sworn by younger dreams tear.</sup>

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funny how it turns out. someone youve forgotten scared and worried...nasty rumors...nasty because true. the utter void is the most biting i think. i wonder if i function better when overly stimulated-like i think i do-or if this is the better version of me. i caught a glance of someone i liked in a public bathroom the other day--maybe i just liked the face. why is beauty something i crave and require of myself. maybe i think it will make up for the ugliness on the inside. i miss love. i desperately miss a beautiful boy, left behind. i miss all the people who made up my days-the ones i took for granted-the ones who believed in me. love is letting people see the ugly inside--trusting them with the parts you hate--and being wanted all the more. love is growing up daily. love is your heart being challenged with new thoughts and ideas. love shouldnt leave. but i did. and even though i think its getting better, nobody is really sure. no lacuna to run to, to blotch my insides from reality. when i hear his voice i can almost pretend its the old days-when hes just getting out of class, calling me to let me know he'll be home soon. or the way he used to call me while at school when i was packing near the end--he didnt like to leave me alone. i was really good at loving him. i wasnt good at alot of things-i was dramatic-i needed him-i liked to argue sometimes just becuase of the way he would look at me when we were making up. i miss that look. i miss any look. jesus it sounds like i just got here. i dont think about him for days and then it all just pours out--like a waterfall. we took care of each other-and we grew up together-and what we learned and felt was so much for the first time for both of us. its gone now. god all i want is someone to fucking take advantage of me! i just need to be close to someone. i want someone to want me as bad as ive wanted anyone ive ever been with. id like the dissapointment to stop. the pattern of loving and leaving and hurting and hating. i want to build a life. a home. something real. something that cant change in a tragic turn of events.

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