My depression has led to anger now. I'm so pissed off, though, I feel like crying.

I wish Jacob was here so that I could rant to him, but then again maybe it's a good thing he isn't here. I might end up going off on him and that's not what I want to do. I mean, yeah, there are a few things that he does/says that aggrivate and annoy me, but everyone is like that. I'm 100% sure there are things I say and do that piss him off.

I have to be careful who I rant to when I do finally let it all out because I tend to not think about the things I say and sometimes things come out in a way they're not intended. In otherwords, I might be brutally honest about something I'd normally curve. I still try to be as honest as possible, but I won't always be so blatantly blunt about certain things.

Maybe then it would be good for me to rant to Jacob. He wants to know exactly how I feel and if being pissed off, drunk or extremely tired is the only way for me to say exactly what I feel ...

Fuck! I want to just go to the top of a mountain or a tree and yell every obsenity there is at the top of my lungs.

I think maybe it's better when I'm pissed off as opposed to being depressed. Although I still cry, I tend to be more vocal, animated and imaginative when I'm pissed. When I'm depressed, I want to just crawl into a hole and not emerge until it passes.

The only problem I see about being pissed off {other than the fact that it's not a pleasant mood and I could say the wrong thing to the wrong person} is that I'm more violent. I already have violent tendencies, but they make themselves more present and obvious when I'm pissed off. I find myself wanting to punch, stab, kick, burn, injure-in-some-way someone or something. I almost broke my hand once from punching a wall when I was pissed off.

I did actually stab someone, though I wasn't intending on getting that close. I just made the motion to stab him and he was closer than I thought. {don't worry, it was only a small scratch}

Fuck. I'll continue this later.

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My stomach aches. My headache has returned in full force.

My jaw is sore; most likely from clenching my teeth.

I feel very restless and my entire body is sore. Almost like I've been running a marathon.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I want it to stop.

I hate feeling this way.

It sucks.

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... at least that I've figured out so far.

Simply put, I want you to want it. I want to know that you want it. Regardless that it can't and won't.

That still doesn't mean you can't want it to.

That's one of the main things that's bothering me and that's the best way for me to put it. At least that I can think of at the moment. There might be a better way to word it, but I can't think of it at this point.

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... I want him to just wrap his arms around me, hold me close and never let go.

For absolutely no reason other than because he wants to feel me close to him.

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It's a rare occurance when watching a movie, do I get teary. One movie that brought me close to tears was Eight Below. I almost cried. My throat was all choked up and I could feel my eyes getting moist, but I choked it back.

It's even more of a rare occurance when a TV show makes me teary. That happened tonight.

The season finale of House ... I had to choke back the tears. I don't even watch that show on a regular basis, but I happened to catch the first part of the season finale last week and naturally had to watch the other half tonight to see what was going to happen.

I'm glad I did, but I came very close to crying.

It was a very touching episode. It almost hit a little too close to home. That might have explained why choking back these tears was actually harder than choking back the tears brought on by the end of Eight Below. . .

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... how it's hard to read sarcasm in a text message, but you can usually tell a person's mood?

Depending on how they answer a question, I can usually tell what kind of mood the person I'm talking to is in.

It's a little lame when I'm in a good mood, but the person I'm talking to isn't. It has a tendency to alter my mood.

I wish sarcasm was easier to read in a message ... without saying in parenthasis that you're using sarcasm.

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