convo between me and david.. and YA = youth allowance

anonamiss | go get your knife says:
i dun get conecssion card
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
http://www.tafensw.edu.au/students/guide/travel.htm
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
its not fair
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
i have to pay 8.80 for ticket
petey need 2P red colour says:
yeah that's crazy... u should have applied for more courses
petey need 2P red colour says:
just do something for 6 months then change at the start of 2005
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
well i didnt really have a choice since the enrollment thing for my course was on the 30th, and that was the last day for enrolments or something
petey need 2P red colour says:
collect YA as well... yeah i know... nothing's going for u
petey need 2P red colour says:
shitty year... next year hopefully it'll be better
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
yeah
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
its so fukn shit for me
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
everythings fucked
petey need 2P red colour says:
think about it... is your mum/dad gonna give u money for transport etc or u gonna have to pay your own
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
dunno man
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
they didnt say shit
petey need 2P red colour says:
not good... like u don't have much money left in ur a/c or do u?
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
700 something?
petey need 2P red colour says:
but u prob. feel better when u get out and about with tafe
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
but i need to save
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
look
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
if i move out
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
and still do tafe
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
i still wont get shit from the govt
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
i also wont be getting rent assistance since im not a full time student
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
basically, i dont get shit all.
petey need 2P red colour says:
yeah, u can't do that yet
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
and im forced to work
petey need 2P red colour says:
have u got any jobs lined up?
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
nope
anonamiss | go get your knife says:
applied for a few on the net already

-------

why is everything going so shitty for me?
hopefully when kan comes it would all be better or something.
meh. i hate this.

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i love you kan.. missing you so much right now... ._.





... love me? =(

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.. i really dont have it in me to do anything productive anymore. i sit there on the computer staring at the computer screen.. dont know what to do.. what to talk about to people... geez. has my life really gotten to the point where i am actually anti-social for reals? dont know why i wake up each morning to see the same problems again, reacurring (sp?) like a bad dream that i can't wake up from. cos really, with my problems at home, i feel stuck. like i am bound to the ground with these chains, every movement i make, hurts and again i am in more pain than i was before.

the distance has finally taken its toll. look at what is has done to me ._. i dont blame you kan i know you're trying so hard to get to me, its not your fault mmkay? so dont feel pooey. what we have to go through right now.. gosh, i'm hating every bit of it. you're busy with your family, me.. heh. im just like sitting at home... waiting either for ur call or for you to pop up on the corner of my screen.. then we talk, then it hits again; you have to go.. loneliness again. so i go onto ragnarok, sit there.. staring at the screen.. then your character clones walk pass.. gee.. rubs it in even more. dont have it in me to play, cos it just feels so wrong for me to be playing by myself without you. can't really talk to anyone, cos no one that i know is on (fkn guild is always dead.. *annoyed*), so i try to find other people to play with.. but they're playing styles, i dont like.. so i just say i have to go. look at msn.. go thru all the nicks.. nope, no one to talk to.. everyones boring, everyones got their own thing to do, everyones got their own shit to deal with, everyones living their lives.. unlike me. no life, no happiness, nothing.

what am i susposed to do? guess tafe might help me get back on my feet.. then work.. then my busy hectic life schedule.. no time for rag, and possibly no time for kan since living two timezones is hecka hard. *sigh* oh just forget it, why am i thinking like that anyway.. hopefully things would be better than that.. but then again.. nothing ever goes good or smooth for me, so pif why should i hope. yes, im a pessimist.. so shut the fuck up.. and yes i have issues, so shut the fuck up.

... its kinda like.. im taken, but im single.. lol..im living a single life? gosh that sucks hardcore. I DONT WANT TO LIVE A SINGLE LIFEEEEEEEEEEE. ._. i haven't had a real hug in so long... my body is craving for that. a lil cuddle would do, anything.. a poke even.. a kick, stab, jab, punch.. anything... PHYSICAL INTERACTION PLEASE.

"love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you..."
- Sarah McLachlan - Stupid

its true.

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went to the social security today.. registered for some job agency thing that would help me look for a job.. got to go for an interview with them tomorrow so they can help me type up a resume.. which i think is very funny since i already have one.. i feel like a loser going to one of those.. i mean.. they're gonna type up a resume for you.. which is basically like saying: we assume you are dumb because you are finding it hard to get a job, so we'll help you by typing a resume for you that you can quote: "take home after the interview".

man i don't know why, but i feel so stressed out and my mind and body is like crumbling to pieces since i hardly see my friends anymore and i have a gf that i CANT EVEN SEE OR TOUCH AND IS ONLY LIMITED TO A FEW HRS (if lucky) ON COMMUNICATION. *sigh* i have college next week.. tafe in otherwords (www.tafensw.edu.au).. part time study.. which is really what i don't want to do.. i want to do full time study because it's more beneficial for me.. the australian government accepts that as "proper study" and will assist you in any way possible.. the social security will help you out with this thing called Youth Allowance.. and you'll get around $200 a fortnight (every two weeks).. but since im part time, i dont get SHIT ALL.. basically it. even if i move out and need help.. i wont be getting $308 a fortnight.. i'll probably only be getting rent assistance, which is only like heh.. $50 a fortnight? gee. i hate this government.. i really do. blah.. also with part time study.. tafe wont give me a concession card.. because im considered an adult and i have work which pays me well.. so that means.. I WILL BE PAYING FOR ADULT PRICES. a train ticket from where i am to the city will cost me $8.80 for a return ticket. if i had a concession card.. i would only be paying around $5.40. its so stupid..!! i dont work, well not yet, but still.. i dont work.. i dont get youth allowance, which means, i dont get shit all.. and i mean SHIT ALL from the government.. never had really.. and i have to pay EXTRA for something that i dont want to.. and these are the institutions that are SUSPOSED to help me.. but what do they do? "oh you have to be actively looking work if you want something from us.. and the job that you will be looking for would have to be full time." GOSH.

so like yes.. that's what i have been stressing over these few days. MONEY, SCHOOL, WORK. i look around me, i see my friends having the time of their lives.. they all have their bf/gf's there to hug when they feel shitty.. they have money to support themselves enough.. they're family is oh so perfect and fine, they get help from the government.. even though its all fucking bull shit.. and me.. someone who really needs it.. dont get shit all. its always the honest people in this fucking world that gets kicked and shoved at. never the people who lie.. the people who lie are living in double storey houses, drive mercedes-benz's or bmw's, going on holidays around the fucking world, and their ass is being supported by hard working people.. or should i say honest people who are trying so hard to build their life the honest way and paying tax to these people who just use the money and wipe their shit with it. i mean sure, some people really need it as well, but the majority of the population in australia is just rorting (cheating) the government... well really, its not the government since its not the governments money in the first place.. robbing the rest of australia.. the hard working ones, the ones who are struggling to pay off their mortgage, working double shifts, trying to feed their sons and daughters.

am i going through a quarter-life crisis? i dont know.. but i am fucking stressed out so much that i find it hard to laugh like i used to, and be happy. man.. i just really don't know what to do with this life of mine anymore. it just seems like i try so hard but in the end i get nothing... so whats the point? what is the point in living? with no purpose? no direction? i feel like shit all the time. i know there's one thing im living for, and it's for kan. but its the waiting.. and with everything going on around me, its so hard.. when the person you really need the most is never there for you (physically).. when you need a hug from them so that you have the strength to carry on.. and when you need for them to tell you that everything is gonna be okay.. its so hard. i just feel like im battling with things that i shouldnt be battling for. why am i susposed to be stressed over money? why am i susposed to be working and studying? and even if i study full time, is the government still going to give me money? i never asked for anyone for anything in my whole entire life.. ask anyone.. all i ask is just small little favours, nothing ever big... and when i do, i get knocked back. i help so many people out there, i get out of my way to help my friends with their school work.. everything. i just dont understand how this whole system works. if god was to make me happy, then he sure did fail. if he was there to look after all the good people out there, then we wouldnt be seeing this happening. sorry, but thats the way i see it, and i guess thats why im not religious. you dont need a fucking god to tell you whats right from wrong. bleh.. getting off topic here.. but anyway.. yeah as you can see, i am pretty frustrated.. wait thats an understatement.. im fuckstrated.

so like my cousin, Derrick comes over.. lecturing me that i should be nice to my mum, and be grateful for what they're giving me, cos he doesn't get shit all from his parents and everything.. yeah i let him lecture me, i didnt tell him what i thought and what was really bothering me about my mum. he gave me this lil equation thing.. he wrote down: [] + [] = E. ok, the [] represents a square.. and if a square plus a sqaure equals the same result all the time, then nothings ever gonna change. meaning, if i keep doing the same thing to my mum, and vice versa, the problem is always going to be there.. so why not change the variables so that it always doesnt end up the same? so yeah, he was just telling me to change the way i treat her.. >.> funny how its not the other way around..

anyhow, i just dont see the point in living. do we live to die? and if we die, is that it? gosh, contemplating suicide again.

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listening to: Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
mood: missing kan ._.

ehh nothing much happend today.. what did i do.. hmm.. woke up 10 30 am to the slamming of the door as my parents went out. didnt know where they went but oh well.. went back to sleep. woke up around 12 noon, got on the net, then my parents came back. they went grocery shopping! =O i wanted to go ;_; oh well.. they bought chinese take away for me.. so yum.. i ate that. then they told me to go get changed and we'll go round visiting my aunts and their newborn babies.. and on the way, visit grandpa and grandma as well. soo yeah.. thats what happend today, so boring. only highlight of the day was when i was at my aunt's house when i got a phone call on my mobile (cell) phone.. anddd it was kan..! my baby <3 we talked for about 34 mins till her mum got pissed off at her and unplugged the telephone line lol. she called back to say sorry and she has to go help her mum clean up the house. soo then it was time for me and my parents go home.. came home, hopped on the net, then kan called me again XD. called her back and yeh talked until i had dinner, by then she had to go sleep.

oh its the 12th today, 11th for her, which means its our 6 month anniversary.. =D ok nothing else to say.. my life's boring.. *nods*

hmm.. well i feel like i dont really know my friends anymore.. =O and i guess thats cos i havent seen them for a long long time and we havent been out and had fun together in a long long time.. oh well... i dun wanna do anything else in this world.. just wanna be with my baby.. =( 4-5 more months wait.. lets just say 4 months.. its our 6 month today (yesterday for me) so by the time she comes that would be a 1 year wait.. =O oh my.. thats long.. >.< i'm suprised at how far we've gotten.. 6 months.. gee.. thats a heck of a long time... c'mon kt, you can do it.. 4 more months.. >.< i hope i can.. =( cos seriously.. the distance is REALLY getting to me.. and i mean REALLY.. because of everything going on around her, her life seems so busy and i'm starting school next week.. 2 days a week, and i also might be working too.. so living two timezones is gonna be hella hard.. >.< gah. just need her here asap...

...NOW PLEASE..! =

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listening to: avril lavigne - nobody's home

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs
She wants to go home, but nobody's home
It's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs
She wants to go home, but nobody's home
It's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

And her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place
Yeah, oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
It's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

She's lost inside, lost inside oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside oh oh yeah

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