Occassionally the Lord will send us someone to light our way through a difficult and dark time. Someone who sees through all the bullshit and knows from their soul what you need to do to make your changes.

I have been blessed. Last night. Besides freezing my ass off. I found something I had lost. Myself. What can I say he was right... It was right here all along.

Someone once said to me I needed to come home to remember who I was. They were right. But then I also needed to be send a walking angel for direction.

Returning home yes my mother was mad at me. Walking through the door at 1:30 am. But I had the light on my side and I know it. I was walking enlightened.

There are alot of changes I need to make. My current situation needs to go completely. I need to return home to my city. This is where I belong. But the first thing I'm doing is a personal change.

I've been going to church every sunday as long as the weather permitted and listening to the word. I read my bible. I pray. I have not been doing all I can do. So this I say to you. I'm making a change in me.

I am celibate.

I will be faithful to the Lord and to my future husband whomever that may be.

You must fall in love with God before you can fall inlove with anyone else.

So now I pray for change and acceptance. I pray for the guidence to change all things that need changing. I pray for the lighthouse to stay lit so I may find my way.

I only have one thing left to say in all this.

If you remain in me & my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. -John 15:7

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Hope yours is better than mine.

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My hearts beating on the floor.... Read on to understand.

yeah, it is. it spread from her liver to her other organs- it is very aggressive. so i didn't want to tell you until i knew for sure. i just talked to my mom's doctor a couple hours ago and my Mom is aware of how serious it is.

at this point they are talking about hospice care, but she would need someon available 24/7. i'm thinking this person is going to be me. bug couldn't do it. my dad needs to work at some point and my gram is a bit too old for all of that. so her dr. wants me to talk to her or her partner tomorrow and talk to the social worker. i still have to run this by my dad but i think my house may be a bit more well suited for it. lynn is all for it and if we decide to do it we'll figure out what to do with the kids. my living room is pretty good sized and can be closed off from the rest of the house and has 2 doors to get in & out of. i would just moe my livingroom to the dining room and put the dining room table away.

so i don't know exactly what's going on, i just wanted to ask her dr. if Mom knew what was happening... and the dr. said she does -she told Mom when she was pretty coherent and my Mom responded as most people do... but with the advanced cancer and her liver being affected her blood is not being filtered properly and it is causing her to be pretty groggy more so than what the drugs are making her. so at this point it's pretty much trying to keep her comfortable and treating it with chemotherapy as long as she is strong enough to receive it.

I didn't want to go telling everyone if I didn't know for sure...ya know... there are a lot of people that i am sure want to know too but i didn't want all kinds of people calling and visiting her and her thinking something was up, if she didn't know herself.

i don't think there is a real timeline at this point...i am going to talk to the dr. tomorrow and i guess find out the rest of what is going on.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.


A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:


(1) Not everyone who shitss on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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I really just don't feel like dealing with all this shit.

My aunts dying. She's not really my aunt but might as well be. Yanno one of those moms best friend deals.

No one tells me anything and I'm bound living 50 miles from my home town. I'll ask my mom and she just says... I talked to your Aunt, she's ok. Thats why she spent 21 days in ICU... because she's ok.

I didn't know ok was collapsing on the bathroom floor. I didn't know ok was having cancer in your hip bone and liver.

I didn't know ok was giving up. I know that she has. Christmastime she blew off her radiation. She's blown off her Chemo. It's bad.

I'll email her daughter from time to time but I never get a response. On myspace she fills out these surveys with answers about how she can't stop crying and she's praying for her mom. How she's wishing for a miricle.

I have a terrible feeling I'll never get to say goodbye. No one tells me anything. By the time I know anything it's 300000 times worse than it was when they found out...

I've just eaten and I'm sick to my stomach.

I was in a great mood now I'm depressed.

Screw this.

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So I decided to be adventurous after the chatter about Evigna... I wish I hadn't. I paid one dollar for a 12 oz can of this carbonated green tea... WRONG THING TO DO.

One sip and the can sits on the counter! And I'm sick to my stomach. Green tea shouldn't have bubbles!


Only the number one NASTIEST thing I have ever drank in my entire life!!!! I'd rather chug cod liver oil honestly!! Vomit taste would be better in my mouth. Then I read this:

Be Warned of Evigna, Coke's Aspartame Tea!

The following excerpt is from an email sent by Dr. Betty Martini, a leading critic of aspartame:

"This [Evigna] is an aspartame tea! And since aspartame makes you crave carbohydrates you can gain weight and die at the same time! Death is #77 on the FDA list of 92 documented symptoms; I guess you would call it the ultimate symptom. You are also being pre-embalmed as stated in Dr. Roberts medical text, Aspartame Disease: An Ignored Epidemic, www.sunsentpress.com, Page 675, "One experienced undertaker literally warned his family against using diet soda after repeatedly detecting the deposition of formaldehyde crystals deposited in the organs of such individuals. Some funeral directors even insisted on closing the caskets of persons who had consumed large amounts of aspartame because formaldehyde seeped through the skin." The Trocho Study showed the formaldehyde converted from the free methyl alcohol accumulates in the cells and damages DNA, with most toxicity in the liver but substantial amounts in the adipose tissue, kidneys, retina and brain. When your liver is toxic, it's even hard to lose weight.

YUMMY... I think I'll just stick to brewing my green tea myself. Really it's ok...

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