i told him i like him. he didn't belive me at first, but i told him that i won't lie about how i feel. the situation already was awkward, but i made it worse because i was having a bad day. i shouldn't have taken my anger out on him, it was unfair. i went to the library at lunch to make amends, but he said i wasn't being mean. i guess that was why i liked him in the first place, he's just so nice. why aren't more guys like that? i can't be with him because of certain complications, but it seemed like he still wanted to be friends. and now, things are still awkward. i dunno, he's a shy guy, so he doesn't talk that much, but lately, we have been hardly speaking. i figure that he has lots of things going on in his life that he needs to sort out. it's just confusing, i want things to go back to the way they were, but it's just not possible. i hope we can still be friends, but how long will it take until we can go back to the way we were? maybe i shouldn't try to figure guys out. i'm tired of analyzing everything. let the universe take control. whatever happens, happens. let's just hope things work out for the best.

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my birthday is in 3 days.

i'll be 18, a legal adult.

i've been anxious about my birthday for awhile now, i'm afraid of getting old. i know that 18 isn't old at all, but i miss the days where i had no responsibility and nothing to worry about. soon after graduating, i'll be thrust into the real world. and i'm scared, i'm scared of failure, of not knowing what i want to do, or what's best for me. everyone else seems to know what they want, but i don't. i'm confused about everything-boys, family, friends and school. i miss when i didn't care what other people thought, when i was younger, i acted like a brat. not so much now because i want people to like me. but i'm afraid, do people really like me? what do they actually think of me? it is so frustarting because i examine every little action and over analyze it. i hate when people put false pretenses, why can't people just say what's on their mind? is it because they're afraid of hurting someone? little kids say pretty much whatever they want because they don't know better. and people think it's adorable anyway. i don't get it, you don't have that freedom when your older.

i don't wanna grow up yet, i'm not ready.

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why are people so irrational and paranoid?

how could you do someting so stupid based on only a hunch?

do you really know what you're getting yourself into?

why keep pursuing, when nothing's happened yet.

you're doing it to yourself, bringing it on to yourself.

don't be a fool, but i know you won't listen.

you're too stubborn, to admit if it was a mistake.

STOP BEING A FUCKING MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!

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mood: fighting with my emotions
listening to: beatles - fool on the hill

i'm having trouble, trying to figure out what to do. this week has pretty much sucked. because all i can do is think of you. i try, i tell myself, boys are stupid, they suck. but i can't get you out of my head. from morining when i wake to night when i sleep you pop into my head every now and again. but i just can't have what i want, you are as i like to say "technically taken". i feel defeated emotionally confused. nobody can help me because they've never been in a situation like this. am i lying to myself? i can pretend that i no longer like you, but those feelings still linger, at the back of my mind. i can't take it, it's hard to look at you, especially with other girls. i get paranoid, but why does it have to be her? she's for lack of a better word ugly. so i am jealous, i get jealous so easily. i don't know what to do, what can i do? you don't even know i know. i don't wanna ruin our friendship, even though we only talk in one class anyway. but i started to like you the first time i noticed you, then i learned more about you and started to like you more and more. but me, being unlucky, i learned something that i didn't like, something that's pushing me away. so i'm throwing in the towel and conceding defeat. i'll never win, i can never get what i want. and i'm tired of "do i still like you?" and "i'll just forget about you!" it's time to move on, but i won't forget you. you are unlike the others, nice, smart, gentle, shy, nonjudgemental, but most of all you have a big heart. most boys are selfish jerks - but you never came across like that. i'll probably never meet another boy who'll live up to the standards that i have. but you showed me that it was possible.

whatever, you probably don't like me anyway.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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so . . .

i like this guy . . .

and it's funny how when i'm around him i feel so enraptured by him, yet at the same time i feel anxious and nervous. i don't want to make a fool of myself when i'm around him.

i hate this gushy feeling because it makes me feel cheesy and dumb. i was never one of those teenage girls that always went ga-ga over some guy. it might also be because i haven't had a crush on anyone in ages.

plus this guy is perfect. he's nice, smart, helpful, caring, and just genuinely sweet. he's practically everything i've ever wanted in a boyfriend. and he was hiding right under my nose the whole time! he's in my class but i've never noticed him till this year. ergh!

sometimes i get the vibe that he might like me to, because of little things like how i shared some chocolate with him and he said he doesnt like almonds, but he ate it anyway. it sounds stupid, but it means something to me. i like how when i sneezed he was the only one who said bless you. i catch him smiling when i make dumb jokes. those kinds of things add up to me.

but then there's that voice at the back of my head that says "maybe he's just a really nice guy."

he is, and that's what i like about him. asldjsak!

i'm a dork, i'm so confused.

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