Its an internal, never ending battle. The looks, the stares, the tiny things. Everything you do counts, in my mind. I search for meaning within every movement, every moment with you. I disregard all obstacles and dilemmas that may be in my way.
Ice blue. It gives me chills every time.
I want you to make a choice.
I will wait. Hopefully for the best.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I've been complaining quite a bit in my past few blogs. That, or I haven't been saying a lot.

My mom told me that I should write a letter to my dad to tell him how I feel. How he is hurting me, how I wish he would fix things, all that jazz. Since I can't seem to confront him, writing a letter apparently is the next best thing, which I agree. I just haven't said anything yet because I don't want to hurt my dad. I'm already hurt, so what is the point of having two people who are hurt, right?

Things are OK with my uncle now. He never apologized or said thank you, but I didn't think anything of it, anymore. I know I did something nice and thoughtful, and sometimes doing good deeds doesn't always have visible benefits. The thought of knowing you were a bigger person and did something nice is enough.

And I am beginning to realize that. I think I am going to try and do more good deeds to others. It makes them feel better, and it makes me feel better too.

I feel so refreshed. I am happy. (:

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Ok, so I was previously mad at my uncle for being a dick-head to me a couple of weeks ago. The timing on that was terrible; I had no room to stay being angry with him, because like 3 days after the incident he had surgery that could fix or break him for good. That PISSED ME OFF. He got away with everything and he didn't even apologize.

Well, yesterday, I texted him saying "I'm glad you're doing OK," kind of as a truce or whatnot. His reply: "Me too."

I would have least liked a thank you. Thank you for being concerned, thank you for thinking about me and having me in your prayers. Thanks for GIVING A DAMN.

Urgh. And my dad isn't getting better about going to Time Out (its a local bar). He goes there every freaking time I'm over. I only see him twice a month, like a total of 6 days. Can't he wait until I leave?

He doesn't even ask permission any more, like he used to. He just goes there, and calls me when he is there, asking for forgiveness by asking me if I want chicken strips. Nice damage control, Dad. Nice.

If you're looking for a more positive blog, you might want to read the second half of my recent blog on xanga.

www.xanga.com/Steigen_desu

Don't worry, I use NuTang more than Xanga. I like it better, anywho.

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

Sometimes I want to curl up into a fetal position and rock myself back and forth weeping until everything bad has just stopped.

Drama drama drama all of this drama!

Half of it doesn't even have to do with me, but I can't help but feel so FRUSTRATED with everything everyone is doing around me. It shouldn't even effect me. It shouldn't even bother me.

But these people are my friends. And I want them to just...find peace. Forever.

Ahh, but I'm not so sure a simple "peace" even exists. Maybe in Heaven, if there is one. Which I hope there is, because it sounds beautiful. But high school just poisons everyone half the time. I kind of want to just fast forward. Speed up, don't slow down.

When it's finally worth it again, then I'll slow down.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

I am so...unhappy, right now.

Because I can't do anything right anymore. I can't make anyone happy anymore. Especially not myself. I can't write anymore. I can't concentrate anymore. I can't work anymore. I can't talk to anyone anymore. I can't have someone to fall back on anymore. Apparently I screwed up too much, and too much was finally enough.

When you're in a bad mood because someone is mad at you, and then they say a chance of forgiveness is unavailable, of course you're going to feel worse.

It doesn't phase them. And if it does, then they're wrong for purposely trying to treat you like shit.

You know what. Screw my happiness. As long as I'm able to keep everyone else happy, who cares?

I actually like to see other people happy. Whether anyone wants to believe me or not. And I actually feel bad when someone has told me I've done something wrong, whether they're right or not.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

I lost. Indeed.




I lost.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!