Okay, so, we all have a past. It can be good or bad, happy or sad, or just something you don't want to talk about. Personally, my past is full with a lot of hurt and sadness, that I've never really felt like sharing until lately. Specially tonight. Now before I start telling about it, I want to make sure I make some things clear. I'm sharing my story in hopes that it might help someone in some way, or touch someone. Maybe it can reach out to someone who feels alone, that what they are going through is something so bad that they will never be able to move on and change. I'm also telling it, because I feel that it I get it out in the open, I will be more able to leave it where it belongs, in the past. I just feel like talking about it, and writing it out. And last of all, this is directed to tell someone very close to me something I have been wanting to share with him, but am deeply afraid that it would change how he feels about me. But I feel now that I would like to share it with him, and hopefully he will not see me differently in a bad way. But if he does, I will understand.

I was a victim at a young age of attempted rape. I'm not sure exactly when it occurred, but I believe it was in 1st or 2nd grade. This boy, after telling me some various things, pulled my pants down in the hallway of the school, when we were sent to go somewhere in the school. But before anything could happen, a janitor found us. Then the same boy later on moved across the street from me. And he attempted it again, about 3rd or 4th grade, in my house, but my mom found me against the wall, with him in front of me, before anything could happen. I don't remember what the boy had said to me, but I know it was something like that he loved me, and wanted to experiment, and he made threats if I didn't comply. At such a young age, I guess I was confused to really what was going on, but I remember how much it made me uncomfortable and how it made my mom cry, in fear that I might have suffered much more. Around this time was hard enough, my mom had helped me discover why I didn’t have a father around, and It had really started to hit me that my mom wasn't like other moms, by the fact she was becoming physically unable to do some things. I also couldn’t understand the idea of her suffering from major depression that caused her to be very suicidal at times. I couldn't understand everything that was happening, so I became angry and I resorted to hitting and kicking my mom, screaming that I hated her, to a point my mom called the cops on me, and a police officer had to come and talk to me ( a few times) , and then I had to go to Juvi and talk to a correction officer who told me if I did it again, I could be arrested. So basically, this all caused me to have to go through intensive counseling. Which helped a lot. I found support from my mom and some family and teachers, and I found some comfort in god, and other things that helped me get through it all.

Now why all of a sudden do I feel like sharing this? Well, we had a moving church service tonight, and the pastor was saying how he was told by god that there was a person or persons, that have been a victim of rape. That that person should let go, and know that just because it happened, that it shouldn’t justify the person that she should be. Then he went on to say that there are people that have been hurt by going basically, too far, or letting someone take an advantage of them, how god could set them free. So I stood there realizing, that since long time ago, and through some of my past relationships, that’s how I've grown where I didn't love myself, with low self esteem, depressed a lot, and just thought it was ok if I was played with and pushed around by people, because I wasn’t all that important anyway, that I wasn't deserving of respect. I've felt as though even though the past was behind me, I should just let myself think that that past had made me a worthless person. But I don't know, like lately, I've just been feeling like I'm really starting to find myself, though how bad that might sound. I'm seriously thinking my calling is to be some sort of psychologist. Hopefully like a music therapist, since music has helped me pull through a lot of stuff, id like to help others the same way. I know many people my own age that have been through similar situations, and things ever worse. I'm just so happy that I have been able to move on, that I am just focused on my future now. I’d just like people out there to know, that if you ever want to talk about something, maybe something related to this, that I’ll talk to you. Or just if your curious about anything. I’m here.

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I'm kinda HyPeR Kinda works after I've had like...4 sodas.
And yes, I call them sodas.

It's Vader time!!! lol, my friend Shanna and I are having a huge convo about Girl Scout cookies. And its deep man, deep. I have a patch from selling Girl Scout Cookies. I was a girl scout for one whole school year. I guess it was okay. I think I rather had been a boy scout.

This week has been wild. Thanks to people and their exaggerated stories about what Eric and I were doing in the hallway, then what we were doing in Biology.....lol. Plus I got a letter, about being an exchange student this summer in Japan or Germany!! So awesome. My mom finally decided we'd try and do it, get my application, and see if i am to be accepted, and start saving up some money. Yayness, but I am not gunna get too hopefull, i bet she'll find something she strongly dislikes about the idea.

Then this weekends been interestin. Eric came over and hung out, then today my odd...buddy i guess you could say, (Stefinie Pansch >sp?<) came over so we could work on our oral presentation for english. I am playin Calypso, the sweet nymph. Yup, and I get to wear dorky, funky-lookin bed sheets, and hear Steph read that
"hands go to each others feasts until they both had their pleasure".
Sounds kinda freaky to me.

<------ HA!! Did anyone see on the news about the christan group going against some cartoons cuz they send homo messages to kids??? How they find Spongebob to be gay with Patrick? Heh. Now we all have said Tinky Winky is gay, but actually proclaiming it on the news?? tats just great. Well, he does carry a purse.

Oh, Marissa is home! Yay! Welcome back my friend. Or should we send her off again? *evil laugh*

How can you tell if your starting to more then just like someone alot......?

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haha, thats like the 3rd time this week I have thought about Goof Troop. That was an awesome show, awesome movies.

Of course, I've been nothing but random tonight. Hmm, its 11:46 and I'm writting in my blog? Just feel like it for once. Just sitting here in the dark listening to some Cowboy Bebop songs. I should be off studying for my algerbra quiz and my Pre Ap test, but i've tried all night, but I just get distracted. lol, not good! I might still study before I go to bed. Glad tommorow is Friday, whew! But kinda bad side to it, I have to do stuff when I get home tommorow, since I'm going to be busy this weekend. But o well.

I'm not really mad at Matt anymore, I was a bit, but hey, he didnt have his glasses on, and he's not one to be mean, just Dillion.....lol. But I can never stay mad at him very long. We have some weird connection, kinda cool. *Pats self on back*, I'm proud, I got enough nerve to ask Greg for my gutair book back. He said he'll look for it. I really want to ask him if he's found himself yet. But I doubt I can do that.

Hmm, I have actually wore make-up for the past.....*counts on fingers*.....6 days. I mean I've worn some before, and I've worn like mascara and my silver glitter eyeshawdow on somewhat regular basis..... but I havent been allowed really anymore then that. So funny, cuz my mom never really wore make-up herself, I mean when she was able to work she worked on a constuction crew....lol. Plus I have no sister? So really I've had no clue what I've been doin? O well, its fun. I remember like 2 years ago I was a model in a fashion show, and they putted the works on me, I like yelled at the lady that she made me look like a whore. Then there was Ashley's B-day party....lol, too bad my computer lost the pictures, we were like sexy Victoria Secret Models.

I wanna get a new Username for a new Blog, but I have no idea what. So if anyone out there, got any ideas, plz send them my way. I thought about
like...FrizzyFaye88.... But I don't kno. Lol, Frizzy Faye was my Alias for 8th grade in the SDMS Newspaper's Advice Section, but no one ever really wrote in, so I didnt get to use it. *Tear*

Poop, us freshman should be able to have a dance......

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Who's Pete anyway? People say that...okay not so common today, but who came up with "For Pete's Sake?"


Today was an interesting day at school. But of course, school hasn't been all that boring lately anyway. Thanks to Dillion and Matt, theres a buncha people who think Eric and I were making out yesterday in school. And that Dillion was going into all the " details" of what we were doing, at lunchtime. Huhh! Geez, he can be annoyin. I don't care, I couldnt care less what people think. The people that matter wont think much of it. Certainly made the day that more interesting tho.

Marissa is gone till Sunday night. *sniffle* I'll miss her, even if she makes me mad sometimes. I really miss Emily tho. Some of us are sending around her PE shirt (she lent it to Ashley) and we are signing it. She besta come visit, or I'll be real sad. Now watch Jessica move this summer. That would suck so bad.

Hmm, I got an email back from Mr. Shaw, the director of the Youth Symphony. Think I'll finally have something extra to be in now. Its like an every Monday thing. Orchestra sux really bad this year, Mrs. Rai is nothing but Kranky, and its sucha big class, lots of time is wasted by people goofing off. lol. But it can be pretty interesting at times anyway. I might drop out of orchestra next year, or just for a semester, but I havent decided yet. I'm staying with band, even tho I'm gettin super discouraged.

Yay for American Idol! Lol, you always think, ooh, that show is lame, but really, when there are absoulute fools trying out, its great.

Haha, what are all of your feelings about male cheerleaders?

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<---- reminds me of Pac Man. lol. (inside joke, blah.....blah...)

Hmm, I'm tired. *yawns* But its thundering, and i feel like writting. Its so peaceful, I can hear it raining. Tho sometimes it makes you feel like u gotta pee. lol.
Aww, and also I just read my entry from yesterday and noticed someone had commented...that was so sweet. Thanks Eric.

I'm listening to "Miss you" by Blink 182, one of their best songs I think. It's got an awesome music video too. I'll have the lyrics @ bottom of entry. (Notice the Nightmare Before Christmas thing? lol)
Haha, I went to tutoring for the first time at Mac, kinda interesting. I went with Marissa, and got helped by the young Mr. Durbin that she finds so hott....lol, no comment, but he's helpful. He explained all the problems that I missed on my math test well. (We like, all failed, including me!) They actually get paid to do that. But I guess thats good tho.

I'm happy we don't have school Friday or Monday. WooHoo!
Well, Im going to go to bed.

(I miss you miss you)
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in backround of the morgue
The unsespecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head(6x)

I miss you miss you(6x)

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<----- It's Cronos!
lol, well I certainly haven't updated for a while. Been into all kinds of trouble lately.

Yeah right. Me in trouble. ha.

But really, been kinda busy at times. Finally back in school, which isn't so bad. My schedual kinda sucks in ways, I don't have alot of classes with some of my friends. My classes are mainly full of people I kno, and don't really talk to. But it's not horrible, I'm really growing to like it, plus I have classes with Eric, which is awesome. Here is my grades, listed in this order: (2nd quarter - Exams - semester final grade.)
Bio: B A B
Band: B B B
En. English: B B B
Wrld. Geo: B F C
Algerbra: B B B
Orchestra: A A A
Health: A B A
Stupid World Geography screwed it up. I'm going to regret my bad study habits like forever now.

Geez, ch..ch..changes. Seriously tho, I don't think I actually have a best friend anymore. Sure, I love you guys, but not many of the people I am meaning will even see this. It doesn't really bother me, cuz I have like a distant close friend, and my boyfriend is like my best friend, but other then that, everyone seems to have their own thing goin on. Then I find out Emily is prob. in Indiana for good right now....*sniffle*. Yep, shes surely a wild child, but she could cheer like anybody up. She's so carefree. Then theres Drew......I don't even want to try and explain that one, cuz I'm not even sure.

Well, my computer is acting up ( it erased everything again btw) so I think I'll go and finish up some homework.

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