Food I consume
is hard to swallow
is hard to taste
hard to forget what he said.

"I had no money so I just decided not to come." he told me when I asked him where he had been since I haven't seen him at lunch for two days. He's new and he's in my grade. He's living with his brother since he had been emancipated from his parents. I had no idea. Apparently his parents want nothing to do with him because he did something. Not sure what. I didn't ask. He's working two jobs after school. He wants to go to a good college. But his future will have to be on hold as he tries to get his life in order. His regretful tone said it all. His parents withdrew their unconditional love. Part of me wonders what unforgivable act he committed. The other part of me doesn't think I can handle it. Handle another jaded spirit whose fallen such a depth. I hope all the best for him though. I hope even better that he has everything he needs to get through this. For I feel like that's all I can do..

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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My blue-eyed grandfather is gone.
I can't remember the last time I heard of so many people losing someone in one month. I lost my grandfather the other weekend. A remarkable man. Prideful and entertaining. His eyes were kind of blue because he had bad eye sight. There's a lot of change coming. Decisions to be made about his house (my grandmother passed two years before.) and other things. My father actually just came into the room with two little koala toys and he said "Your grandfather bought these when he was in Australia. Pick one." To think this is the last gift I'll ever get from my grandfather. It really chokes me up inside because giving gifts was the only way he knew how to let me know he loved me and that he thought of me.

"My father is in jail over a typo."
She's outraged and her mother and her sister is supporting her in the background with the latino female attitude by yelling along. Her father went someplace with a photocopy of papers and when they typed in the social security code they mistyped a number. It came out as someone else. I mean I've grown up my whole life in diverse environments but please. if it was a typo with a white person who spoke english fluently they would have retyped it and there would've been no problem. But the fact that her father was hispanic and his english was accented, they asked for papers (which he did not have) and they put him in jail. Her father is a very righteous, peaceful man. Usually when people think of illegal immigrants they don't think about those who aren't druglord and killers. There are people kindhearted and honest and just so freaking awesome and yet the laws are cold to the warmth of the family of my friend.

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I'm devastated. Devastated at myself, at life, at people who I gave my time to and in trade I found my arms empty. Choices, mistakes, and things I can't control are beating me down. It's not hard to find someone who will listen but it's such a process to trust someone new. To find someone who understands how I am. To find quality in a person you admire and respect. I'm just tired. My mind is tired from trying to make sense of everything. My spirit is just tired from all the grief and this widening absence of solace. My soul has been in flight too long for it can take in search for something to console me. But it seems that I can't find what I need. I feel far from the proximity of happiness.

I leave with this. It's one of those writings that make you remember what's truly important. Well, for me at least. That it doesn't matter how insignificant you are compared to the rest of the world because you still hold life at your reins. Being human, you have so much to explore about yourself and share with people around you. And life itself is an amazing thing and you have to seize the moments and make the most of it. Find your limits and try to find the pieces that complete you.

THE INVITATION
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are - I want to know if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon, I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayal or have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain - mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story your telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when its not pretty, everyday, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have, I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand at the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
-Oriah Mountain Dreamer (an Indian Elder)

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"Yeah, he's a nice guy.." her fingers found the ring on her right hand and began to twist it around, "we've been friends for a while so it works out.." her voice seemed to stop coming out and continued on forming the thoughts in her head.
"That's nice" I tried to sound cheerful feeling like she forgot I was still standing there.
"Yeah.. it-it all worked out.." her voice trailed off as her eyes looked down at the diamond in her engagement ring reflect such a crisp iridescence within itself. Her eyebrows contracted in a furrow. Her head began to nod to assure herself and touched her 7 month pregnant stomach with her left hand as her eyes still eyed the ring.

She wasn't fooling anyone. She was disappointed. She probably was picturing this all quite differently in her head. Part of it must've been to have the baby after the wedding. She wasn't in love but it was the right thing to do. But sometimes the right thing to do feels quite empty when your heart isn't there.

The Churchills
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I think I'm pretty much quitting.
I might come by once in a long while to see how cha'ul are
but no one reads this anyway so what's the point.

Keep in touch if you want to :)
Be easy and stay chill!

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