mood: Bored & tired listening to: the radio watching: people in the rain

What a crappy day. Its raining and cold. Never a good time. Not to mention everyone drives like a complete retard when it rains... def not looking forward to drving home in traffic later. At least its Friday. Hopefully this weekend will be a good one too. Saturday night I get to go to Sakura with Rory and her fam and her friend from school and another friend i've never met. Yay! It should be a good time, Sakura is always good. Bennet is also having a party this weekend so that is another good thing. Its always exciting when there are actually things going on around here. Yay CT. Maybe I will get some xmas shopping done as well. I only get paid one more time b4 xmas so i need to start shopping now. What does everyone want!?!?! Trying not to leave it for the night before to shop. Way to stressful. Wtf the keys on my keyboard are slow i think. I think everything is tired from the rain. Even work is tired b/c its quiet and slow. Why didnt I take the day off!?!

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Something on a more upbeat note and an update...

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME:
(Name of first pet / Street you live on)
>> Sasha Messex
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:
(Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather's first name)
>> Chips Bob
3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME:
(First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant)
>> November Sakuras
4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS:
(Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot)
>> Cinnamon Texas
5. SOCIALITE ALIAS:
(Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied)
>> Parkway Wilton
6. "FLY Boy" ALIAS (a la J. Lo):
(First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)
>> M Wil
7. ICON ALIAS:
(Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen)
>> Twizzler Milk
8. DETECTIVE ALIAS:
(Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School)
>> Kitten Weston
9. BARFLY ALIAS
(Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)
>> Crunch Bar Budweiser
10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS
(Middle Name / Street Where You First Lived)
>> H. Andersen
11. ROCK STAR ALIAS
(Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician)
>> M&M McGraw

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Sorry, another venting session...

So i really need to know why this happens to me. I am so close to just giving up and saying fuck it all. What am I supposed to think when after 3 years it feels like I'm not worth the time and effort?? And if I'm not...just tell me so. I really can't go through all the same shit from last summer... it was horrible enough the first time around, and its not gonna be any better the second. I dont want this yelling, crying, feeling worthless, lying, insulting, makes me want to run my self into a wall bullshit again. So much for promising this wouldn't happen again... But that's just the story of my life I guess. And it doesnt help that I already have low self esteem, but i dont need to be reminded of it. And its something I am trying to work on... this shit is taking it steps backwards. I realize i have things like that to deal with, but when you are constently being yelled at it tends to slow the process. And it sucks that it has to be like this. What do you do in a situation like this when you really truely love someone??? Do you just say fuck it and walk away and try to save yourself from hitting rock bottom once again?? Or does that just make it worse?? I don't wanna give up, I love Chris and I want more then anything for things to work out. Because when things are good, they are really good. I am happy and we laugh and things are good. And if we can stop the constant fighting then it seems that things would be fine. Every relationship has problems, but it hurts when the other person doesn't wanna take the time out to fix it. Take the easy way and break up, and then try and get back together. Wouldn't things just be easier to talk about in the first place and fix them before they get this bad?? I just really can't take not sleeping and crying all the time. How much of this can my heart take?? I am just so frustrated... I just wanna break down and cry. I need a hug, i need someone to hug me and make me feel like everything is gonna be ok. That's just what a person needs sometimes, and that is me right now. But the one person who could do that doesnt understand it. But I would still always be there to do the same for him. It makes me feel like if i was a bitch g/f, then i would be better off, that maybe then someone would want me. I mean, I don't seem to be getting anywhere being the one that tries. Ug, i am just so fed up I dont know what to even say anymore. I really just need to go hug my eeyore and cry myself to sleep... I seem to always feel a little better in the morning. At least I can get away from it for a little if I can sleep... Well sweet dreams all...b/c I probably won't be...

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mood: bored/anxious/beat/discouraged
listening to: Josh Gracin - Brass bed
watching: My life suck


So what is with things always turning out bad lately?? I mean you think that cuz things like this have happened before that it would finally be someone else's turn... but I guess I am totally wrong. Life apparently has a problem with me. I'm not really sure why... but its not very much fun. I mean wasn't my life hitting bottom and being really bad last year enough?? If someone knows what I did to deserve this, I would really like to know. I mean I hope I'm not that horrible of a person. I try to be nice :/ Maybe I'm just a failure at everything and that's it. It seems every time I work hard at something, it ends up being too much. And it doesnt seem to help that I care about these things more then anything else. I mean why, if somethings gonna suck and go wrong, can't it be something minor or something that is not so hard to deal with. Or at least if that is gonna be the case, at least help me find a way to be stonger and deal with this better. Why do I get shitty things happen to me and screwed over, and then also am the one who is upset about it. I thought this was all over months ago when everything finally started turning around. But maybe there is just something wrong with me and that is why this shit happens to me. But i guess that is what i get for trying to be a good girlfriend and loving someone...

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First best friend: Amanda Blakie in kidergarden (who eventually moved to Weston & was friends with friends of mine now)
First car: the forester
First real kiss: I guess Jaime was the first real one (lol that makes me laugh for some reason)
First break-up: Nathan after like a week... if that even counts
First screen name: maybe this one??
First funeral: My gradfather a few summers ago
First pets: Sasha :(
First piercing: ears when i was about 12
First true love: Chris
First musicians you remember hearing in your house: my dad used to listen to jazz and blues which were cool and my mom listened to Bonnie Rait who we hated lol!

Lasts:
Last cigarette: the other night after the bar
Last car ride: tonight on my way home
Last kiss: this morning
Last good cry: sometime last week cuz boys suck
Last library book checked out: lol me & libraries don't do well
Last movie seen: Without a Paddle
Last phone call: Chris
Last time showered: this morning
Last cd played: my country MP3 mix in the car
Last item bought: a FDNY sweatshirt
Last annoyance: Knowing I have a take home math quiz to do that is due tomorrow
Last disappointment: Chris being a stupid boy
Last time wanting to die: ...
Last shirt worn: I am wearing a maroon tank top
Last website visited: nutang, hotmail and people's bank
Last word you said: bye
Last song you sang: whatever the last song in my car was
What is in your cd player?: in my room, random stuff my mom was listening to when she painted my room, in my car, country MP3 cd
What Color underwear are you wearing?: pink
What's under your bed?: boxes of crap and xtra clothes
What time did you wake up today?: 10ish

Currents:
Current mood: bored, a little confused, and not wanting to do my test
Current music: nothing, haven't turned any on yet
Current taste: bagel with butter and strawberry jelly
Current hair: ponytail
Current annoyance(s): math test & boys making no sense
Current desktop picture: one i made
Current book(s): none right now...i should go look for one
Current color of toenails: plain
Current time-wasting wish: not having to do my test??
Current hate: math test & boys being dumb

One or the Other:
1. Black or white? white
2. Boxers or briefs? boxers
3. Coke or Pepsi? coke
4. Salt or pepper? salt
5. Sweet or sour? depends on my mood
6. Vanilla or chocolate? choc!
7. Short or long? lol as in what??
8. Cheap or expensive? i think expensive things need to be cheap (I agree!)
9. Firm or soft? again...what?!
10. Hot or cold? warm

My favorite...
1. Color is: green
2. Song is: don't have a fav
3. Scent is: i wanna get that new armani mania cuz it smelled good
4. Alcoholic beverage is: beer or something mixed that is good (i'm not picky)
5. Food is: everything! :)

5 things you did so far today
1. woke up
2. Sound Beach brunch
3. washed my car
4. ate at the diner
5. came home

5 things you can hear right now
1. me typing
2. my mom downstairs
3, my computer running
4.
5. that's it...

5 things you do when your bored
1. Check email
2. Check Away messages
3. talk online
4. eat
5. sleep

5 people that never fail to cheer you up
1. my girls
2. Chris (when he's being nice)
3. all my other friends

5 things you can't live without
1. my car
2. music
3. my friends
4. my family
5. food :)

5 things you love
1.my friends
2.my family
3.Chris
4. Cheese
5. Choc cake

WHAT COMES TO MIND

o. Hott: Mark Stepsis
o. Britney Spears: she's stupid
o. N*Sync: winners
o. Real World: it depends on the season whether or not i can watch
o. Orange: fruit
o. Insane clown: Posse
o. Linkin Park: i like them
o. Jack: off?
o. Rainbow: gay, pretty
o. Cherry: a sundae!
o. Cucumber: salads
o. Sharks: jaws
o. Bat: baseball - Yankees!
o. Leather: jacket
o. Whip: ow
o. America: The flag
o. Water: swimming
o. Volcano: lava

THIS OR THAT

o. Rock or rap: depends on my mood
o. Pop or rap: rap more likely
o. Rap or R&B: a little of both
o. Rock or metal: Rock
o. Linkin Park or Limp Bizkit: Linkin Park
o. Tool or Korn: Neither
o. Spring or fall: spring
o. Shakira or Britney: neither
o. ICP or Eminem: Who is ICP??
o. Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie: Neither again
o. Kittie or Garbage: wtf?
o. MTV or VH1: Depends what they are showing
o. Buffy or Angel: none at all
o. Dawsons Creek Or Gilmore Girls: Gilmore girls but i dont really watch it
o. Football or basketball: baseball
o. Summer olympics or winter olympics: Either
o. Skiing or snowboarding: Snowboarding cuz i've actually been
o. Rollerblading or skateboarding: rollerblading

PRIVATE LIFE

o. Boyfriend/girlfriend: Don't really know what is going on with Chris right now
o. Crush: none
o. Do you love anyone right now: yes
o. Have you ever been in love: yes
o. How many hearts have you broken: I don't think any
o. How many people broke your heart: one
o. So what's your significant other like: right now... making no sense
o. Do you go more by looks or personality: personality
o. Ever kiss a friend: not really
o. Are you still friends:
o. Do you smoke: no
o. How about weed: lol beginning of high school - not since like sophmore year
o. Acid: no
o. Ecstasy: nope
o. Crack, heroin, anything else: big no
o. Are you a sissy who drinks Mike's Hard Lemonade wine coolers: no, they suck
o. Prefer beer or liquor: either

WOULD YOU EVER

o. bungee jump: maybe
o. Skydive: yeah probably
o. Swim with dolphins: yeah
o. scuba dive: yeah
o. Go rock climbing: sure
o. Change your religion: most likely no
o. Turn your back on your friends for personal gain: nope
o. Lie to the police: haha, depends
o. Run from the police: lol 12?
o. Speed away from the police: depends on how close they were
o. Walk up to a total stranger and kiss them: probably not
o. Be an exotic dancer: no (lol silk stocking!)
o. Streak: probably not

FRIENDS

o. Best friend(s): lots
o. Known the longest: Christie & Pete
o. Wish you talked to more than you do: a few
o. How many friends do you think you have: a good amount
o. How many do you actually hang out with: all of them when I have the chance
o. Who drives you insane: people that suck
o. Ever lose a good friend because you took it to the next level: no

HAVE YOU EVER

o. Flashed someone: yeah i think so
o. Told the person you liked how you felt: yeah
o. Gotten really REALLY wasted: haha of course
o. Skateboarded: not really, i can't balance on one well enough to ride it
o. Skinny dipped: i dont think so
o. Stolen anything from a store: yeah
o. Kissed someone of the same sex: nope
o. Been to a concert: a few - yay last summer
o. Been to another country: no
o. Talked back to an adult: yea
o. Given money to some homeless person: how bout pizza?!?!
o. Tried to kill yourself: nope
o. Cried to get out of trouble: probably
o. Kissed a friend's brother/sister: maybe

THE LAST THING

o. You ate: a bagel with butter & strawberry jelly
o. You drank: water
o. The last place you went: the diner
o. Last thing you bought: this question has already been asked
o. Last person you saw: my mom
o. Last person you talked to online: lena, i am still talking to her
o. Last person you hugged: Chris and half hugged my mom
o. Last song you heard: whatever was on when i got out of the car

YES OR NO

o. Do you like cows: sure
o. Do the voices talk only to you: right
o. Are you straight: yeah
o. Are you short: no
o. Do you own a hot pink shirt: probably, but not like xtreme hot pink
o. Do you like Marilyn Manson: no
o. Do you shop at Hot Topic: no and yes it smells funny in there
o. Do you remember your dreams: sometimes
o. Can people read you like a book: maybe one or two
o. Do you talk alot: yeah sometimes
o. Are you afraid of clowns: yes

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My life sucks completely right now and i think the world hates me. I have no idea what I did to deserve it all but I wish someone would tell me. Why am I always such a failure at everything?? Someone just kick me in the face, because I don't think I can take this much longer. Can't anything just go right for once....

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