i dont write poetry anymore.
i dont play my guitar anymore.
i dont write in my journal anymore.
i dont over-analyze [as much] anymore.
i dont get good sleeps anymore.
i don’t read “for fun” anymore.

furthermore...
i dont get in meaningless phone fights anymore.
i dont doubt myself [as much] anymore.
i dont lie about my feelings anymore.
i dont thrive off of drama anymore.


over the years, there have been a vast amount of incidents that have FORCED me to grow up. as much as I claim to be a kid at heart, im more mature and ambitious than I ever thought I would be as a teen. People think im crazy that im still involved after high school when people packed on extra curricular activities just for a college admission. I really don’t sleep anymore. Ive self diagnosed myself with having an anxiety-disorder when really I should just say im overwhelmed, overworked and drained of every ounce of energy. Im rarely at my apartment, racing from class to meetings to practice then repeat. My life seems so mundane and id kill for a tiny drop of spontaneity but id have to check my dreaded schedule to see if I even have time for it. Basically lately ive wanted to just fall to my knees and cry, stuff my face in a pillow and scream. I don’t know if it’s the stress, anxiety, or whatever. But…it is what it is.


I impulsively deleted all my past blogs without even reading them to reminisce or anything. But im sure they were just as bland and self-pitying as this one is developing. And now ive concluded that my blogs do not have any consistency or substance anyway. But I shall continue.

The people you encounter in life, as cliché as it is, will greatly impact you. You may love em or hate em. Or have this epic battle of both. Regardless, you will need to thank them. My ultimate philosophy in life is “everything happens for a reason”. You win some, you lose some. My life a couple years ago was so troubled. I was insecure and lost. I thrived off the wrong attention and blamed others for all the mishaps that went on. Even til today my rocky history haunts me. In a period of time, when you get so accustomed to blaming someone else for the things that go wrong in your life, you can’t help but maintain that viewpoint. I mean, who wants to admit that it was their fault for blood and tears they shed? It was even til about a month ago where I continued that immature habit of blaming a single person for the bad things that’s been happening to me. Random phone calls, harsh words, unnecessary drama = return to those troubled years where nothing made sense, and ultimately nothing had a legit purpose.

And that return to the past once again made me hate myself. Why do people do that? Why do they bring themselves to the worst situation, provoke the worst quality they hate in themselves…and dwell on it, keep it hovering over them just as a default for when times get scary? But lately, ive been hit head-on with the crucial fact that, “what once was really is not anymore”. A situation occurred earlier this week where one first impression brought me back to that one person that I hated. I once again became that drama fiend that thought she was the better person. And then, the phone call happened. And then, the light bulb turned on. Im not that person I was. Im not in that inconsistent relationship that I fought for. I WILL NEVER be that girl that I hated for so long. So as much as I didn’t want to, I thank you and I wish you the best cuz ive only gotten the best despite everything that’s happened. And for that, I am extremely relieved and overjoyed.

I will be the girl who tries to express confidence, but bites her nails with anxiety. The girl who gets annoyed by phone calls every five minutes from her boyfriend. The girl who can’t help but get excited and giddy by phone calls every five minutes from her boyfriend. The girl that goes crazy if she can’t find her planner. The girl that dances for the people who inspire her. The girl that skips a class to get another hour of sleep. The girl who talks in her sleep and who has really bad bedhair. The girl who gets really excited about jeopardy and wheel of fortune. The girl who shops at payless, target, ross and marshalls. The girl who still gets homesick. The girl that can’t do mental math. The girl that can fall asleep anywhere. The girl that will spend hours shopping for jeans but will end up buying a pair of shoes. The girl that just needs a hug at the end of the day.

But never ever EVER will I be THAT girl that lives on drama, tears and meaningless fights. And for this, I am extremely relieved and overjoyed.



Elbert Hubbard said it best,
“Life is just one damned thing after another”

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