I was looking around on amazon.com today when I discovered the perfect bit of how-to reading for my upcoming trip to the mysterious east...

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The following represents my official position regarding polo shirts:









Never before have I seen a line of t-shirts that so perfectly meshed with my natural sense of critical cynicism and wannabe-badass-nonconformist lifestyle. I wound up buying the first shirt (the one of the polo guy falling off of his horse) since it was just about the only one appropriate enough for me to wear in public.

I would have bought the entire series, but sadly the makers of the shirts (Threadpit.com) were being greedy and demanding that I furnish them with small quantities of currency in exchange for their wares, so I was forced to confine myself to only one fashion statement.

Now, back to my packing list for Japan...

Thank you, that is all.

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Out of the studious chaos of finals week, and the much-anticipated conclusion of the 2006-2007 school year, a plan has emerged. A plan for the summer. A plan for a journey. A plan so excellent, that mere words fail to express its true excellence. A plan best explained by the following diagram:



That's right, for approximately four weeks the ManOfDarkSunglasses will be living in Japan. A land whose language I do not know and whose customs are unfamiliar to me, which may pose some difficulties since much of my time will be spent living with a host family who may or may not speak English. Not to mention that I would be living among a people whom my mentor, Tom Clancy, has specifically warned me not to trust (see "Debt of Honor" in previous blog entry).

On the other hand, my beloved United States are getting a bit dull, and Japan does have an interestingly unique language and culture... It seems like all of my fellow youths are flocking to learn International Relations in China, help build villages in South America, or learn how to ooze an undeserved air of superiority from the veritable masters of arrogance, the French. But how many have taken an intensive language course in Japan?

Besides, Japan is home to the most awesome candy in the world. U.S. Customs can expect a tarriff-eriffic nightmare calculating how much I owe in import taxes after I return to the United States with a suit-case full of hi-chews.

More news to come, but for now...

Thank you, that is all.

[PS: For those of you who may not have noticed, the man in the above photo is none other than Fonzie.]

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Disclaimer: Severe sarcasm follows.

Q: Why Is The World Suffering from International Crises?

A: Because we have failed to grant Tom Clancy his rightful position as President of the Universe.

For those of you unfamiliar with Tom Clancy, he is a semi-famous author of several military/espionage thriller novels. In fact, if you've ever watched the movies The Hunt for Red October (starring Sean Connery), The Sum of All Fears (starring Ben Afflek), or Clear and Present Danger (starring Harrison Ford), then you have already born witness to film-adaptations of his greatness.

And yet, these movies have often failed to communicate the true message behind Tom Clancy's novels. So, for your reading pleasure, here are summaries of some of the underlying plots of Tom Clancy's novels. I can't imagine why, but some say that he is a bit biased towards conservatism. Either way, you may decide for yourself.

The Sum of All Fears: If Israel would surrender control of Jerusalem to the Catholics, the entire middle-east crisis would die down. Once the Vatican replaces the foolish Jewish soldiers with good ole' god-fearing Swedish Aryan soldiers, the Jews and Arabs will drop their grudges and begin to frolik and laugh in the streets of the holy city (yes, that actually happens in the book).

Rainbow Six: Did you think that the recent increase in international terrorism was being caused by religious extremists? Think again! The teachings of Tom Clancy explain a diabolical scheme hatched by the environmentalists and genetic researchers of the world to incite worlwide chaos by sponsoring 4/5 of all terrorist acts. This chaos then sets the stage for the release of their genetically-engineered supervirus, designed to wipe the human race off the face of the planet (so as to prevent it from bringing further harm to the environment).

Clear and Present Danger: America's youth are being plagued by drug abuse! Invade Columbia! Send in commandos to covertly (and ilegally) assassinate any suspected drug lords in the country. This will raise the street price of the drugs at home in the United States.

Debt of Honor: We should have never trusted those dishonest Asians! Just when we were getting friendly, Japan develops nuclear weapons and then turns around and invades our holdings in the Pacific Islands! They disable our fleet and sink our submarines during joint naval exercises, passing it off as an accident. It takes all of our American ingenuity to recover from this horrible act of betrayal and regain our rightful territory. But damn, how could we have been so foolish?

If only Tom Clancy were President of the World... there would probably be no war. Well, none except for the awesome and patriotic kind anyway.

Thank you, that is all.

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Good evening ladies and gentlemen. As some of you may have noticed, I have been absent from this blog for the past couple of weeks. Sadly, the world seems to be suffering from a severe lack of ironic/absurd events, and as such I have found few good targets upon which I could release my pent up supply of inner cynicism.

Today, however, I would like to turn your attention to a few of the smaller absurdities which lacked sufficient mockery-potential, but nonetheless deserve an honorable mention here.

To start, I would like to direct you all to the latest news coming out of Cuba. As we all know, the world has turned an apprehensive eye on the small island nation ever since it was announced that Fidel Castro, a beloved leader and internationally-lauded advocate of peace and freedom, had fallen ill. To quell this growing sense of worldwide unease, a spokesman for the Cuban government went public on Thursday to assure us all that Castro would be in "Perfect shape" to run in the next election. And, as we all know, with free democratic elections as common as they are in authoritarian communist dictatorships such as Cuba, this can only mean that Castro has nearly recovered from the dangerous invasive surgery performed on him in late 2006. We may all now breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Moving on in world news, we now turn our attention to Russia, where a startling new advancement has been made in the realm of science and technology. Years ago, in the early days of the Cold War, the Soviet Union left the United States in its academic dust when it launched Sputnik (the first man-made satellite to be launched into space) and touched off the series of events which we recall today as the space-race. In a similar turn of events, Russian scientist "Roman Kunikov" has now announced his successful development of gasoline-powered shoes. With this innovative invention, Russia has once again raised the bar on the human limits of laziness.



Kunikov's 1kg shoes are capable of allowing humans to travel at speeds higher than the fastest of Olympic sprinters for approximately 25 minutes, and do it in style. Just as man once dreamed of reaching the stars, so have we desired the ability to strap internal-combustion engines to our feet and proudly strut our stuff down crowded streets while striking down startled pedestrians under the ungainly masses of metal that used to be our old pair of nikes. And now, thanks largely to the ingenuity of our fellow scientists to the east, both dreams have become reality.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's to a year full of newsworthy absurdities!

Thank you, that is all.

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It has recently been brought to my attention that Jack Bauer has decided to renounce his position as unofficial spokesman for American freedom and democracy, and instead pursue his lifelong dream of aiding terrorists and emboldening our enemies.

Kiefer Sutherland, who plays Jack Bauer on the hit TV docudrama series "24", was recently asked by our prestigious West Point military academy to deliver a speech to our brave and honorable U.S. army cadets. The message? Torture is bad.

And then, in a move that sent devastating shock waves throughout the patriotic community, Mr. Sutherland considered it.

This news comes as a severe disappointment to all good Americans, who have lauded Mr. Sutherland for his formerly beneficial role in educating the public with inspirationally pro-torture messages. His television series, "24", has served as a glorious how-to guide for those citizens who are unfortunate enough to suffer from patriotism-deficiency (a condition which has become increasingly prevalent in the liberal/socialist hotbed of our great nation's east coast).

He was a man who taught by example, airing scenes of his character (Jack Bauer) performing such noble acts as shooting the innocent wife of a potentially guilty man, in an attempt to extract information from him. Not to mention the torture of his brother using quantities of pain-inducement medication capable of inducing cardiac arrest. And who could forget that time he kidnapped the president of the United States and brought him in for "questioning"?

And yet, Mr. Sutherland now seems to be contemplating the possibility of undoing all the good that he has done. If he were to publicly state that, despite the actions of the television character he plays, he does not in fact support the idea of torture... suffice to say, the effects of such a betrayal could be catastrophic.

Of course, there is still the possibility that Mr. Sutherland will turn down the West Point invitation. However, his failure to follow normal patriotic-response protocol (which would call for him to denounce the dean of West Point as a communist spy within 48 hours of receiving the invitation) has left most patriots with little hope.

Thank you, that is all.

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