I don't really understand what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Not right now as in this current moment, but right now as in these last couple weeks before school, or these last couple weeks of summer -- because they are, in fact, different.

In the guy situation, I'm taking everyone's advice and trying to put myself first for once. I guess I have to let Zander turn back to drugs, I just wish I could stay close enough to him to try to prevent that without letting him think that maintaining our closeness is a sign that I could see something happening between us.

However I know it can't be like that. He's the kind of guy that would more easily write you entirely out of his life than just be close friends. Otherwise, I know he's never going to stop trying to convince me that we would be great together.

And maybe we would be, under different circumstances. Maybe if he didn't need all this attention that I just can't give, then possibly we could have that great relationship he daydreams about when he's sitting at home asking me if we can hang out. Oh and, maybe if he wasn't so dependent on drugs, too.

But I'm more focused on me right now. I'm more focused on building a real relationship with my dad and I'm more focused on doing a helluva lot better this year than I did last.

I'm also trying to focus more on writing again. The past year has just been one entirely boxed in by walls that fed on my creativity. I was once an active member of a fantastic writing forum, but almost exactly one year ago I made a post announcing my inactivity for an uncertain amount of time and I've yet to return.

I don't know what has become of any creative writing ability that I may have had, but I'm hoping that it hasn't completely died.

Also, in three days it will be exactly one year since I last saw Jesse. Two days after that it will be exactly one year since I was woken up at 6:47am to the knowledge of his death.

I don't know how I'm going to react. How my sister's going to react. I guess by that time I'll either be on a plane to New York or actually in New York, so I guess it won't exactly be hard to hide the fact I'm upset. Ech.

For the record, you can always count on Gecko to be available in the middle of the night.

(Sidenote: counting my old account, the 26th of this month will mean I've been using NuTang for exactly 2 years.)

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Wow.

It's crazy how things can change so suddenly, without warning, as though there's some bored superior being that has us on puppet strings, trying to make his, or her, or it's, existance more interesting.

Well, I finally decided to give Zander that chance I've been talking about. We ended up having fun together, but I'm not interested. He's too... sensitive, to put it shortly.

I like being able to fuck around with a guy. Like, playfully wrestle, jokingly mock, such like that. All he wants to do is kiss and cuddle and, if he's not, chances are he's talking about kissing and cuddling. It's annoying.

But this puts me in a bad spot. Because he used to do a lot of drugs royally, then he stopped because I refused to get close to him while he was on a path of inevitable self-sabotage.

Now he's claiming shit like I'm "the one" and he posted a bulletin on myspace saying "Love scares me, I wonder if I'm in it." And he has already said that if I leave him (even though I told him I don't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend), he would probably drop right back into doing drugs.

Fuuuuuuck.

Meanwhile, after a talk with Michael the other night, he misses me and wants to give us another shot too. I think he's realized the error of his recent ways (eh), and when I talked to him, he sounded like the kid he used to be, the one with real thoughts and desires that reached farther than the next pathetic set of lips to get at.

I don't know though. This isn't the first (or second... or third...) time he has said this, but it never actually lasted. So I'm pretty much expecting him to lose interest again. It seems like he only cares selectively.

Okay, basically, I have Zander who I really have no interest in at all but can't very well say that to him 'cause he'd start fucking himself up again; I have Michael who, like I said, a part of me has never stopped loving, being his old self again, but I don't think it'll remain as such for long; then I have Kyle who, while I haven't spoken to him in weeks, is coming back from Colorado in about 10 days.

Funny part is, Kyle is the only one at this point who isn't openly expressing interest and he's the only one I can't stop constantly thinking about. I think it's because I just never got any closure with him. I liked him a lot but it ended before it even got a chance to really start, so now there are all these previous feelings just thrown up in the air.

I want to see him. Maybe, just seeing him, will help me better access how I feel. I don't know. At any rate, I have full intentions of talking to him, asking him what really happened, and if he really lost interest and whatnot.

The only guy I see continuously really wanting to be with me is Zander, but he's also the one I want to be with the least. Hahah. Fuckin' irony.

Meanwhile, school is starting in less than 20 days. I don't know how I'm feeling towards it. I guess I'm excited because now I know I can handle another year, instead of constant misery and being overwhelmed like last year. I'm stronger. Better. More confident.

I don't know what changed. I guess I feel that, at the point when I had lost Daphne, then weeks later I lost Michael, not to mention never completely getting over Jesse, and the really bad shit happening with my dad -- I thought I had hit bottom. I didn't think there was a coming back.

But, living proof, I bounced back, and I realized that if I can handle all that, I can sure as hell handle anything else this damn school year wants to throw at me.

So, all I have to say is: bring it.

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I got home early because I had the headache of the century. Once I took enough headache medicine to temporarily dull the throbbing, I started going through some old stuff from the past school year that I never bothered with until now.

A lot of them were notes from Michael. While I rolled my eyes at the bitter irony of some of them, others I couldn't help but smile at. I started to think about him -- the way he used to be, anyways. The way he could make anything better, the way that he was the only person I would believe when he told me everything was going to be okay (though I would never have admitted that I believed him.) I made the sad mistake of texting him wondering if he ever misses us. I shouldn't bother with him, I know he's not the guy he was.

A part of me will always love that old him, I think. Or maybe I'm just being a girl and as soon as I fall for somebody else, I'll forget about him. Hah.

Anyways, I ended up coming across and note between Danny and I when all that shit with Michael was going down. At one point I wrote, "I've never felt bad about who I am, how I act, what I look like, or anything. I've never felt bad about the fact I have small boobs or that I can get obnoxious sometimes, I've never felt that I needed to change or that I wasn't good enough. I never hated myself or thought I really was useless. Until he came along. And everything changed."

Danny asked me to explain, to which I said, "When he cheated on me, I wasn't nearly as mad at him as I was at myself. I hated myself, everything about me. I hated myself for not having an amazing body, I hated myself for being so fucking uninteresting that I couldn't even keep his interest long enough to keep him from not cheating on me. I became so overwhelmed with every insecurity that I was close to skipping school so nobody would see me. All of this was doubled when he was more interested in getting stoned than being with me. Honestly, I'm not sure if I broke up with him because I thought I deserved better, or because I thought he deserved better."

Speaking of boys, Zander is beginning to have a small chance. A lot of it comes from the fact that everytime I accuse him of doing something wrong, he actually has an answer and such, instead of Michael's pathetic habit of having absolutely nothing to say for himself. And, even though I can't stand clingy people, in a demented way it is kinda cute that he wants to hang so much. Okay, not really. But there are a lot of aspects of him that I actually like, and theres a chance I may be able to overlook the clinginess for now. Until I can break him out of it, anyways.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that not every guy in the world is as disgusting as Michael and letting myself get close to someone won't always end badly.

Which probably isn't true.

Whatever, what's life without risks? I'm not going to be like Michael and not even try to get something amazing just because there are plenty of pathetic hookups around. No chance.

Tomorrow we're going out to celebrate Daphne's birthday, then I'm sleeping over her house. I'm pretty excited.

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Besides the fact that I got paid for turning a year older by people who don't know me well enough to know what I'd like but don't not know me well enough to not somehow distinguish my birthday, I so far don't like being 15.

Mainly because I have to do that four hour data class thing for my permit, then proceed to obtaining the driving booklet, memorizing it, and actually taking the test at the DMV. It's a lot of work for someone so unmotivated as myself.

But I keep looking at the bigger picture, this time next year I won't have to mooch off of friends and relatives for rides everywhere and I'll barely ever have to be home. Of course, then I realize that this time next year I'll actually have to get a job... which is just more work. That is most off-putting to someone that is so unmotivated as, once again, myself.

Meanwhile my sister is turning 18 in a couple months and is just now getting her first job. Which really isn't much of a job seeing as she'll be working at my dad's restaurant so she'll get to pull all sorts of strings. But either way that means that I'll be getting rides to and from school and all that.. which will be rather lovely.

Anyways, I'm currently taking the data course as I type. Seeing as I'm taking it online, I have limits as to how long I can stay on each page and such, and because I'm not a complete idiot, I finish long before time is up and end up sitting there watching the timer count down. So I'm reading blogs and such to keep myself preoccupied.

Speaking of reading, I've yet to get the new Harry Potter book and its quite upsetting. I'm very anxious to get it and see if Snape really is evil.

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