watching: porn flicks free found on the internet
mood: My Mind Has Lost What It Was Looking For
listening to: boy & girls gettnig down on the farm



I wonder where that scale has run off to this time? I guess he thinks I am too fat and weigh too much to even want to konw the amount! Well Fuck It, May Mr. Scale is right... i don't want to know... and of as this moment I No Longer Care.

We only live once right, might as well enjoy ourselves as long as we don't hurt anybody else..

that's how i feel about life, living & the pursuit of happiness...

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Talk about life, here we are human beings & besides us there is only Monkeys, Baboons, grillas, etc that are supposed to have sex for pleasure.... All Other animals are supposed to only have sex when they procreate (want to have young), yet get a load of this picture... 3 Deer in The Wild and what are they doing? Having 3-some? Didn't ever think I would see a picture like that in my life? Anyone know about animals, a vet, a groomer, a wildlife specialist anything... This boggles my mind.

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watching: kids playing tag outside my window
listening to: kids screaming outside playing in the dark
mood: fat, ugly, humiliated

I was so disappointed when I tried on clothes today... I knew I had gained weight when I stopped using drugs, it's been almost 8 months with just 1 slip up, that wasn't a binge, just one day - being stupid - Never Again... It was horrible.

But without the drugs, I eat and eat and eat, and it seems I am getting bigger and bigger... I have been wearing the same size pants for 10 yrs, but today I had to get a bigger size... what a bummer that was!

I was disappointed... but I didn't run out and use drugs... I can't, I Won't allow myself that pleasure and disillusionment that drugs cause... I am living in today, the real world, getting through each minute totally coherent... Sometimes it's a drag, but for the most part - I am glad I am clean... I know I can do it, and I Will.

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listening to: Lean On Me
mood: lost, lonely, confused




I wrote about the hurricane last night, and about people and how the world weeds out people by natural disasters, because they’re would be no room on this earth if no one ever died… if you bring back the 200,000 lost in the civil war, and the 2 million lost in world war II - and the thousands that have died in Iraq or in Gulf-war… where would we put all these people, plus all their children, and their children’s children… if we think we are bad off now… millions more would go hungry, be cold, with homes to live in, no shelter from the rain, snow, sleet and ice. Not to mention how many would be old and sickly and dying, but knowing dying isn’t an option - they would just fall wherever they are, because they’re bodies are tired and they need rest.

I realize that many of you will think I don’t care about people, and in a way that is true… I am not all that empathic, even in my own family… things happen, good things happen & bad things happen - we do not control our existences nor our destinies… it is fate that has each of us doing the things we are doing, living the way we are living - the only exception to that is natural disaster or suicide bombers, or people who are so angry, so enraged with themselves, and their would - that they would go outside and just start killing people… men, women, children die at the hands of angry men and women with guns, and then just when you think you have the cornered… they kill themselves, so you can’t kill them first.

All these shows on TV don’t help matters, there are shows about rape, murder, mayhem… it gives people ideas… ideas they may not have every had - if they hadn’t watched the man on the TV get away with murder. These shows are not on late at night, after 10pm when the kids are in bed… well maybe the new ones… but you can watch 11 years of reruns just about anytime of the day or night, and on just about every channel… COPS - doesn’t scare people into being law-abiding citizens… it’s cool to watch people get busted… but for those who end up doing things like that… those shows show them WHAT NOT TO DO TO GET CAUGHT.

I wander around aimlessly a lot when I write, I start something then get so far, and now it ends up being about something else entirely. I don’t do this on purpose, but there are so many ideas, solutions, situations going on in my head… many times I lose track of what it is I am talking about - so please bear with me, I am doing the best I can.

My mother is bi-polar, I never really saw her in a manic stage - because she was sick and not on medicine when I was just a young child… but she is in one now… and I am constantly hurting her, unintentionally - as I guess I don’t understand how she can go from laughing out loud one minute, to drowning the room in tears the next… She is the only one who can joke about her condition… when I go along with it, laughing like that… she gets angry - thinks I am making fun of her - she tells me I am not empathetic about her condition… sure I care about her… but the doctors have to fix this, not me. The medication she was on, doesn’t work anymore… and now they have to try other medications til they find the right combination that works again. I joke and say we live in the loony bin… but deep down inside - IT AIN’T NO JOKE… you never know when the day is gonna be good or bad, and even if you did know, it can change in a second.

I am supposed to know what to do… I am here for her if she needs to talk… I can get her what she wants from the kitchen or bedroom, I can cook for her, rub her back and tell her I love her… but I can’t fix her problem - and neither can she right now - and that is what is making living in this house like living in a loony bin… Sometimes she is high on mania, laughing out loud, joking around… then she gets angry with herself and feels foolish - so now she is on the down mania side, and we have to watch her so she doesn’t hurt herself or someone else…

I remember more then I admit too… I remember a lot of things that happened when I was child, things children should never see or know about or live through… sure I had food on the table, both my parents were home more or less… my mom was in and out of the hospital, but neither of my parents gave up hope… when times got tough, they got tougher. We had a roof over our heads and never went to bed hungry… but that doesn’t mean we lived well, or happy or whatever it is people who just live everyday like the next and nothing happens out of the ordinary… My mom wasn’t, isn’t ordinary… I don’t blame her for the things she did in her worst sickest times… it wasn’t the mother that gave birth to me hurting me, but the sickness inside of her, making her do things she wouldn’t normally do…

I forgive her, yet for some reason I can never forget those things, that probably changed the way I lived my life, or changed my destiny in a way. She hurt me badly… not like ignoring me, or letting me cry myself out… no the things my mother did, she did exactly and with force and anger - and I was just 5 yrs old. What can a child of 5 do to stop her mother who is sick with mental illness to stop hurting you… I never dreamt I could run away, run to where… I had no where to go…

She didn’t just hurt me, she hurt herself, my sisters and my father well he overlooked the crazy things she did, because he loved her, he still loves her - but this time the sickness told her to tell my dad she didn’t love him anymore. 54 years of marriage, they won’t divorce… but do they love each other - I don’t know. I know for certain my dad loves my mom, but right now - my mom is in her own little world - and we only see the real person she is, on occasion and if you aren’t paying attention you will miss it…

See, I don’t feel I have the right to feel neglected or hurt because so many other children go through much worse conditions then I ever imagined… I was never molested, or beaten so badly I couldn’t go to school, I was neglected or unfed. So I don’t deserve pity from anyone else, or even myself. I used a lot of drugs last week, and here I am supposed to be sober… huh?

Well afterwards when I came down, I knew I had disappointed my mother & father… and I disappointed me - so I decided I deserved to beat myself up… So I stopped taking my medication… the medication that allows me to live a normal life… my situation is in no way as bad as my mothers… but without medication I don’t live a normal or even close to normal life… But Don’t Feel Sorry For Me… I chose to do drugs… No ONE Held A GUN To My Head and said smoke or die… No I picked up the rock, put in my stem and smoked it all by myself. Why do I use? Do you think I do it, so I have reason to feel bad? Or so I can make myself believe that I am unworthy love - therefore I get high to numb the senses… to drown up the sounds, the noise, the laughter, even the tears.
The only thing that really sucks, is when the drugs are gone… all those feelings you had been hiding behind a drug addiction are still there… and they seem a lot worse now then they did before… plus now you have your family, spouse, children, etc… jumping down your throat making sure you know you disappointed them AGAIN… Never mind, that I disappointed myself… I am very hard myself, when I mess up… I really don’t need their help putting me down… I do damn good job all by myself. But they want to feel better… so they tell me what I did, what it did to them, what it does to them, how it hurts them, how could I continually keep hurting them… don’t I know that they love me… well if you loved me, you would love me anyway that I was… You wouldn’t put conditions on your love.

When I love, I love unconditionally.. It is my nature… I don’t care if the person I love never talks me, as long as he/she is okay, and happy then I am happy for them. Sure, it’s makes for a lonely life… but I really have all that much control over that emotion… it kind of runs on air, and needs no help from me. I can’t imagine loving with conditions… How can you put that upon someone you love… they didn’t ask you to love them… they didn’t force to love them… and most times they never ever ask for your help… yet - you love them the way you want them to be, not the way they are… It’s shame really.

We don’t deserve unjust positions and violations that people who claim to love us put on us… making love conditional upon doing what they want, how they want it done, and where they want it done… and if you cannot keep up with what they consider normal… they push you away… only my family doesn’t push me away - it just piles guilt upon more guilt til you are down, way down… ready to cash it all in… but my only escape, without drugs… is sleep.

The only way I have to get away from my family, is to go in my room, like am now, close the door, like I did, use my computer like I am, sleep, read… and talk to the computer about my life, how I see things, how I feel I can change or not… The other option: well it really isn’t any option anymore… was doing drugs… I loved drugs… I loved feeling powerful, that nothing you or anyone said could hurt me - because I didn’t feel… but I know from being in jail for 5 months and not using drugs - they I can live without them… sure it’s not as much fun but it’s a lot less hectic… but those hours I spent getting high, oblivious to the world around me - now are empty hours… it’s during those hours that I feel like using, because I am bored. If you, my computer, the people on the net - if you weren’t here to keep me company… I truly would be all alone. And even though I don’t deserve long-everlasting love, or happily ever after… I also don’t deserve silence. What I mean by that is… the quiet, the unadulterated pleasure of the sun, moon and stars - I can have all that… no one can take that away from you… just like they can’t take away your dreams or memories - you can hold on to that… even if means not growing, not surpassing expectations. No the noise I mean, are people. People wanting to be with me, people loving me, showering me with they’re unconditional love…

That is something everyone should strive to have in their lives… unconditional - means no matter what mistakes I make, you still love me the same… your love stays steady whether or not - I am good girl or not. But, we know life isn’t like that…

We are supposed to act a certain way, be a certain way… I’m not that kind of person… so I spend many hours and many days alone… in my head, online, reading or sleeping alone… none of that happy go lucky attitude I used have. I don’t have a personality anymore, really. I laugh at things no one else does, I find humor in all situations and use it as my guide to the world… whether people get angry or not… that’s them… I didn’t purposely hurt them, or neglect them or abuse them… but they treat me as though what I DO IS THE DECISION MAKER IN THEIR LIVES AS TO HOW THEY SHOULD LIVE AND I SHOULD LIVE…

It doesn’t work that way… I do things because I want to do them… I say things I want to say because I am allowed freedom of speech and if what I am talking about upsets you, nobody said you had to listen. I don’t do things to hurt other people on purpose… if they get hurt from me doing something that I wanted to that could or should have only hurt ME - DAMNIT Let me HuRT Me… Leave me be… Go find another person to put conditions on, cause I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I wasn’t.

You don’t want my opinion, don’t read it… don’t respond. Don’t talk to me, live your own life the best you can… and let everyone else live theirs. Don’t be a martytor… don’t try to please everyone - the only one person in your life or my life that matters is you, or me… because for one thing, you have no control over anyone else’s actions, what they do or say, or are… You can’t change it no matter how hard to try… if someone doesn’t want help, doesn’t to be saved, doesn’t want to bothered, wants ignored while you want them to pay attention - you will never be happy. Forget it.

Live for you, and for your family if you have one. You can’t change the destiny of a person’s life because no one knows what that destiny is… People say they would do the same things even if they went back in time and could things over… I would say that is an accurate statement at least me… sure I didn’t need drugs, but without what happened to me in my life, has brought to this point - the great things I saw, did, enjoyed (are all memories)… would I want them erased… Hell No! If I didn’t do drugs, would know the people I know now… would I have the friendship of the people I am friends with now, the non-drug users… I probably wouldn’t have ever met them… Would be able to write I like do? If I hadn’t experienced life like I have, would I be the same person… I don’t so… here’ s your chance… what do you think? If you went back in time, would change anything? If you could anything different what would it be, and how would be because of it?

Life… whether we enjoy or not… is irrelevant… we are on this earth for a time, then we go away and new people come… your life, my life - most of us’s lives would not be remembered for very long… we haven’t anything to make us heroes… we just are… we didn’t ask to be here… but we are… aren’t we?

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mood: Empathy, Sorrow, Anger! listening to: is there are song about drowning? IN THE STREETS & OPINIONS I know someday God will touch my shoulder and say, “See, I told you you were over him”, because today I didn’t think about him at all… but last night I was so overrought - I couldn’t even talk online with anyone… without shoving my thoughts & ideas down their throats. That’s not me at all… I offer opinions, suggestions, questions - but I don’t demand to be paid attention too… That’s too high school for me… I think I finally grew up, realizing things like that makes you take a step back, to look at the big picture… To look where you always wanted to go, but never did. To see what is really out there, not just what you wanted to know about. Look around our world… not always a nice place. Just because I have been sheltered from many things, doesn’t mean I don’t know they happened and feel for those that it happened too… but I don’t have a lot of empathy for anyone… not even me.

Crying & sulking over things will not change them… and seeing as I am unable to help in this case Katrina’s victims - what is the point in watching the tv wishing you could help them, but knowing you can barely help yourself. What good would that be to them… I would be just another burden to carry. I hope God is watching over them, and maybe he could get the president to get our soldiers home to help with the rebuilding & rescuing the thousands who are now homeless.

Imagine that… happening in your life… Imagine any terrible disaster happening to you and your family, what you do? think before you respond… how would you feel? What would you have lost that was most important to you? Would you stay and help rebuild or would you turn away and get as far away as you could in hopes you could forget what you saw, and felt… and start over a new life somewhere else.

I am imagining it… I am imagining it was me there in that hurricane that killed many, and left everyone homeless… my mother is in a wheelchair, would she have survived such a disaster, probably not… and then what would I do… I love my mother dearly. My father would be out in the hurricane trying to help others… that’s the kind of dad I have. Ok, so the water is up to the counter in our house, my cat hates water… would she survive this ordeal… God I hope so, she is as smart as a person… I love her… All my clothes, my computer, the tv, the microwave - everything ruined. Hey but I am alive. But, now that everything I cared about, thought about, worked for is gone, do I really want to be alive… No I wish I had gone with my mother to heaven.

Couldn’t the local jails help some of those people… I know it wouldn’t be great being in jail, but you do have a roof over your head, food in your tummy and a place to rest your head at night… I know this because I have been in jail. And if they took in homeless people in one of their buildings - they wouldn’t have to have such tight security on that building, wouldn’t that be better then letting babies die in the streets.

Now I live with my elderly parents… who are constantly at each others throats, because they are getting older, and not able to do the things they want to do so badly - puts them at odds with one another… sometimes I have to referee… it’s like watching toddlers fight over control… When I leave the room, I say could you please play nice for awhile.

Trying to lighten the mood in our house, NO WE DIDN’T HAVE A HURRICANE HERE… NO THE WATER ISN’T DROWNING ANYBODY… But in some ways we aren’t much better off then those people the hurricane hurt.

1st you have to realize that they didn’t cause that hurricane to happen, it was a freak of nature… nobody set fire to the building, or suicide bombed the bldgs… it was a natural disaster, and they happen and will continue to happen periodically during your life-time and the life-times of those after us.

2nd It may take time to rebuild, but those people who have been hurt, are homeless - will get better… they situations may take time to change, but the government will help them rebuild or move them to a place where it is safer to live. Those people on TV, are angry because the president won’t come to them and speak to them… but we all know about our president… and we know he isn’t a people person… We will be lucky when the vote for president comes again, he will not even have a choice to run… his time will be over.

3rd Those people had no choice but to leave their homes, their valuables… those people didn’t have to decide if they wanted to move, or if well today would be a better day then yesterday - if we could just stop the rain. They are out of choices… They are living on pure adrenalinin… something my mother and I live on most days… because of the chronic pain in our bodies - many times we must bear up under the pain just to get through an hour, a day, a week, a month…

Did those that die, know they were gonna die? Did that seek salvation from the lord as their bodies were swept away in the flood? Did God come to their aide, did he hold them close to his side while they passed over?

We don’t know, nobody knows… it frustrates me that this God we are to believe in… can care so much about his people, yet allow so many terrible things happen to them… these horrible things don’t just happen to bad people, they happen to faithful church-goers and Christians… They happen to everyone. No one is absolved of terror, treason, torture, disaster, flood, famine, fury… And the persons it hurts, depends on largely the place the disaster struck.

It isn’t always the same area, if it was - we would know that something was wrong with that area, and we would stay away from it, but what appears to be a bright sun-shiney day, can turn into a torrential down pour & flooding overnight. Why does God Keep Letting This Happen To Us?

If you think about it… it isn’t a nice thought, but I bet I am right. If famine, diseases, deaths, demons, disasters didn’t happen… the earth would have too many people in it. I don’t believe God Chooses those he takes away from the earth with each new disaster or accident - I believe some people just are in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But I do believe that the world will never stop having such travesties happen… instead of killing the entire world, as he did with Noah and his ark… Bad things happen, but it thins out the group… Imagine how many people would live on this earth if no one ever died? Where would we go, how would we live?

Chaos in the streets, in trepidation everywhere, homeless wandering aimlessly around… the hungry begging in the streets… and the old people, the people who have lived full lives.. What if they never died? The’re bodies cannot handle any more stress, they are unable to move freely without a cane, walker or wheelchair, some can’t even get out of bed… but to force them to stay alive is not fair. With every door that closes, another one opens… it may not be today, or tomorrow.. But if you have faith - you will find the open door… or you will see a closed door - and you will knock - because in all that we do and say… someone has been here before us and done the same damn thing. I have no right to feel sorry for myself, and for the situation I am in… It could be a lot worse… we could be down in New Orleans living on a roof, with my mother’s wheelchair tied to the antenna so she don’t float away. No baths, no food, no drinking water, yes - that indeed would worse than anything that has happened in my life, although I know what it’s like to be homeless, tired, and hungry… I been there, done that… and lived through it - to see the other side… the side where you want to help people but have no means in which to do so… so tonite, I will pray for those less fortunate then I - and God I hope your listing because a lot of people have a lot of questions for you, don’t make us wait to til we die to find the answers…. Let us have them now, so we can know what to do in the future, so we can the course of events if we have to… teach us your ways lord, keep us healthy, safe, and those struck by famine, disease, disaster - may god carry you when you cannot walk.

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listening to: Martina McBride
mood: HATRED, ANGER, DISILLUSIONMENT

Things aren't always like they seem...

Here at home, I have experienced The Good, The Bad, And Most Certainly THE UGLY.

Things here on the home front have not been good at all… not only is my father a jerk, but a creep as well… the other day I went down to Danbury to Cop, and told him I would be right home, well when I got down there by bus, the guys weren’t on Beaver Street, there were on South Street so it took me a good half-hour to walk there, and then to walk back - I missed the 6:30pm loop bus, so I had to kill time til 8:30 - I had a tiny bit left, brought it with to under the building tressel up behind the mumbo bar, in the back parking lot is a stone wall, everybody sits on it. That’s where I was when it happened.

A girl and this guy were passing the concrete wall, and they looked like they wanted to be alone… I told them I don’t care what you are doing, just leave me be… So they went on another side of the wall into the woods for what seemed to me like a minute. Then she left, and he came over to me - tell me I am beautiful women, and he want me… FUCK HIM… I said 100 dollars, he said NO WAY. I said okay by! And started to walk away when he grabbed my arm and said, you sexy women I pay 50. I said show me the money, he did, but I was only supposed to give him head… instead we are on a hill he tells me doggy style in the pussy, so I wouldn’t lose my balance, only he didn’t fuck me in the pussy - he shoved his UNLUBRICATED COCK up my ASS. NO CONDOM NO NOTHING, and then before I could get dressed all the way to walk down the hill, he took off giving me no money.

When I finally composed myself, I walked down to the street, with dirt in my hair, all over my pants, and my arms… and there right there at the door of the bar, (Hispanic bar), he stood smug as if he had every right in the world to do what he just did… then the girl who was with him before came around the corner, and asked me what he did, why was I holding on to him… I told her, she told him GIVE HER THE MONEY NOW ASSHOLE, OR YOU”RE GOING TO JAIL… she tried to hold him while I tried to get the money, but he took off running, we ran too… the piece of shirt she was holding on to, ripped off the shirt, so see stopped chasing him, I didn’t I had him by the arm and collar… but then he ran right out in front of an oncoming car, I wanted to run to, only then his shirt was in my hands and he was loose. I followed as best as I could, but lost him around autozone… The distance from where the rape happened to where I chased him to was almost ½ mile… I went into the autozone tired, dirty and needed water, and asked if I could use the phone. They brought me water asked me what was wrong - I said I was chasing the bastard that raped me - they said, did you call the police, I said NO BUT I SCREAMED IT LOUD ENOUGH THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN SHOULD OF HEARD ME.

They said, you want us to call for you… I said NO I am on probation I don’t want my probation officer knowing any of this. But while I was sitting on the floor, drinking water the police showed up. The manager filled them in on what he thought seemed to be the story… then when they asked what happened I didn’t beat around the bush - I said I agreed to oral and possible vaganil sex, but I did not want and told him NO to anal sex but he didn’t care he did what he wanted then left me there in the darkened woods, all by myself…

The police did a rape kit, I had to give away my Cowabunga Peanuts Tank Top, that was my favorite one, and my pants - they went into the evidence bag ( a paper bag), then I was in the ER with a crisis lady, and the PA & her assistant when they did the rape kit, and that took over 2 hours. They took 7 viles of blood, and picked at dirt and leaves, scraped under my fingernails, maid me pull my own hair out… It was awful. Then they gave me meds to take in case I contracted any diseases.

They asked me if I could regonize him again, if I saw him… luckily for me I wore my glasses that day… but unlucky for me because now I see his face all day long. I am sick of all the immigrants taking over our towns… I think that they should send the immigrants over to fight the war, and let our boys come home. They would fight for our country as long as we promised that any survivors of the war would become US Citizens.

DAMN RIGHT I COULD RECOGNIZE HIM AGAIN... BUT I DON'T GO ANYWHERE'S NEAR THAT AREA NOW...

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