Saturday. 1.10.09 11:24 am
When karma takes its' round trip,
I will not sit and laugh at how I know you deserve it,
But rather welcome you back with open arms.
I smile at false accusations,
While you sizzle and steam over the lies of a lover.
Your future is a gift, as well as your punishment.
There was a sign that you ignored.
Potential greatest everything; potential worst mistake.
I am the protector.
He is the lover.
In your eyes, it's lover ftw.
I sent myself an invite.
Friday. 1.9.09 12:48 pm
Whether I will use it or not, that is the question.
I will wait it out a while longer.
I've seen the threads on deleting accounts and whatnot.
And I highly doubt that I will be able to change the URL.
It's my own fault. But it's still such an invasion of requested privacy.
I cannot regret anything I have written.
Monday. 1.5.09 5:47 pm
So I won't.
Too many of my friends are finding this "hidden" blog of mine.
Almost time to move, again.
Naked as we came.
Thursday. 1.1.09 3:06 pm
We are all blinded by our own selfish thoughts.
We do good deeds because they help other people, but also for the self-satisfaction of doing good for others.
Or perhaps I'm generalizing too much?
I'll never be too sure. Because the world is so full of the unknown, how can anyone ever fully claim to KNOW something? Anything?
"We were meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are?"
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
A "Welcome back."
Thursday. 12.25.08 9:59 am
The following is everything that happened BEFORE I went to church for the first time in the past six years, just to give you a heads up. If you want to be clueless and skip right to the good stuff, scroll down for my signal [:-DDD <----(that's the signal)]
Last night was Christmas Eve. The first Christmas Eve without my mom being there along with me, my dad, my uncle, and my grandma. Although she was invited, she decided to pass because my dad's girlfriend and kids (or what I'd like to call "new family" for various, OBVIOUS reasons) were going to be there, and she didn't want to make things awkward. She decided to go with my God-parents to my old church (which I haven't gone to since...6th grade. That's...five years x.x) for the candle-lit service.
Half-way through being at my grandma's house, I was clearly unhappy. I didn't mean to push everyone's feelings out for my own, but I couldn't help it. I missed mom, and I wanted to see her at church. My dad wanted to protest at first, saying that I couldn't just "bail" on MY family (aka, his "new family" and my grandma and uncle). Then, I just couldn't hold back the tears.
So, after taking me outside, and bringing my GRANDMA out to watch me, I was finally allowed to go. I promised a safe return to the house, that I wasn't completely abandoning my entire family.
:-DDD (That's the signal! Story a comin'!)
I get to the church, which is jam packed, I have no idea where my mother is (she wouldn't answer her phone, which is to be expected; it was on silent for the service). Now, as I'm walking into the church...I just...I don't know. I got a warm feeling inside of me. Like, God was giving me the most gracious welcome back ever. I started tearing up again, but got a hold of myself.
I proceed into the church to the third floor where the upstairs balconies are. The ENTIRE church is FULL. No seats to be found ANYWHERE. I decide to stand against a wall and watch the service, when I realize I want to be closer to the preacher and everyone. So, I proceed downstairs to get a better look.
I got to the back of the downstairs service room, and just lean against the back wall there and watch. As I am skimming the crowd, I see my God-fathers' head. then I see my God-mothers' head. Then, what do I see? I see my mother. Not only that, there just happens to be an empty seat.
Right next to my mother.
In the jam-packed, full-of-people-church.
I don't know about you, but to me, that just...I FELT like that was an act of God. He welcomed me back with open arms, and I felt very welcome. He did not hold against me the fact that I had no desire to go to church, and that I was beginning to question His existence. He welcomed me back.
I think I want to start going to the morning services every Sunday, from now on. It's worth getting up early.
Tuesday. 12.23.08 1:23 am
I've come to a point in my life where I honestly cannot take anymore.
I want to run away from everything I have.
I don't want to live here anymore.
I'd rather move back to Brazil.
It's almost Christmas, and I would trade everything I'm getting to just be happy, care-free and drama-free again.
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