crack. well i was told to update which i agree with becaue it is a good outlet. there is a good bit goin on i have to rant about. ill break it down with today. it was kinda cool, i definately drove all the way to shippensburg to tear down the easiest job ever. then talked to the guys for half an hour on the clock about masturbating and blowjobs. but guys dont talk about cunnilingus. i dont understand. i will shoot off at the mouth about goin down south. but i guess most guys dont appreciate it quite like i do. then i got on my new bike and it rocks. i rode around town for a bit then i hit the greenbelt trail. besides the insane hills you need a dirtbike to tackle, she definately ripped that shit up. then i hung out with cara which is always a whirlwind. shes defiantely an awesome friend and i go out the like 'yeah this is gonna rock' then i leave like 'fuck' i dont get it. its like you want a bowl of chocolate ice cream more than anything in the world, so much to the point you would kill for a bow. so then you sit beside a tub of chocolate ice cream and you cant eat it. definately sucks. i like to think its not my fault that i cant have the ice cream but then it has to be. i like to think we have control over all our situations to at least attempt to make them better. but i guess sometimes theres only so much you can do. and i hate quittin anything but fuck. this is past old. how many times will you put a fork in the plug socket before you learn. but if you feel something is that worth it youll do some pretty dumb shit. and to what end? to keep doing it and doing it for no apparent reason? for fuckin crackheads to get the chance you want so bad and they're like 'ah fuck this' and dumb shit happens? when will other people learn? "hey theres a porshe in my garage but ill keep riding these random broken scooters to work and so im late everyday and the rest of my life falls apart as a result" fuck this. i cant keep sittin here in the garage. id like to think there is someone that would appreciate a good thing but these broads are so fucking stupid as the previous analogy shows. so fuck 'em im not gonna feel sorry. if you want to do the most idiotic thing you can think of and get hurt as a result then thats all on you. ill have no part anymore. ive been completely retarded for like 7 years now.fuck i didnt even shit myself for that long. what the fuck. its amazing what the effect of other people can have on an otherwise intelligent rational person. so i said it before and i will repeat it, fuck people. its impossible to remain logical and interact with people without killing someone or internally combusting so fuck it. its not worth it. why expel all this energy and stress to hang with people? fuck it. playstation stays plugged in for all that bitch. so its not even worth gettin all stressed out about because simpply; fuck it. people lie, people use you, people cast you off when you'd be the best thing for them, people are ass holes. so fuck people. damn this journal is a great idea.

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so i havent been updating when a certain someone was uphere cuz i knew id end up bitchin about her and she may read over my shoulder. but ya know what? fuck that. which is one of my favorite philosophies. it can settle most arguements and situations. for example: "Brian, you didnt properly update the check in procedure."..."yeah? well fuck that" its always great to throw 'bitch' right at the end: "yeah? well fuck that ... bitch. west side!" yeah. let those pussies know whos boss. im the boss bitch. oh? you have a problem with that? well fuck that. ha! see the pattern oh man its great. so i really have nothin to write about here. work blew but that is the nature of the beast. i hate cleanin up other peoples shit both physically and the other word that ends in y. physically like when dickheads leave trash in the truck and i dont want to sit in mustard when i drive. and the other word that ends in y as in when wiz puts up a shitty tent and i have to clean up his work, like finish the loose ends he crackheadedly forgot. damn i hate people. why send him to do a job and me to fix it? why not send me to do the job in the first place. all they say is time=money, and the irony is that they waste time telling us that. greeeeeat. business is great cuz you can be a genius and never get a business of the ground. or be a complete fucking idiot that walks into walls and wonders what happens if you punch a beehive, and end up gettin alot of money. its even better when you own a business and because you're so incompitent you would make more money by not going inot work. if our owner stayed home wed be so much better off. but im startin to fix it. he'll sit at work and think of the dumbest fucking thing and try to create a new 'system' to fix it. i say dont fix it if its not broken but he argues, then makes this huge elaborate scheme for the dumbest thing that in fact requires more time to implement and defeats the whole purpose of the system. but now he realizes that i know every thing and hell be like 'brian i think we should put all the forks in plug sockets and take all the inventory out of the shop and put it on the roof...' and ill be like 'no scott, thats the dubest thing i ever heard, in fact a paralyzed gnu with a muzze on could say something smarter than that' and hell say 'ok brian i appreciate your honesty' and drop the whole thing. now if only bush would do that our country would be the shit. id say 'fuck all that, bitch. drop the whole gay marriage thing, never talk about god in your speaches then slap fines on people for not separating church and state, learn how to speak english, and resign from office. or just let kerry win bitch. west side' id also say fuck iraq and bring our homies back. who fucking cares? why send all our skill and dedicated soldier there to watch monkeys throw shit at each other (yes im talking about arabs, fuck that) and the whole thing started based on shitty defense here. listen, USA is an empire and will fall at some point. i hate to admit it but it will happen. at the time no one thought rome would fall and look where they are. but if we do all this dumb shit lookin for people we cant find someone will come in the back door and fuck us again like the world trade center. thats like if someone starts to break in your house, you chase him out then you wait a liitle bit and go look for him. and because you tell everyone in the neighboorhood that you're out looking for him, either the robber or your neighboors will go right in your open window and rob you blind. and i would laugh at you while i take your TV. now, i am obviously not military intelligence so i have faith and believe they're settin up a trap. if i was in the analogy i just made, id chase the robber, tell everyone, but have an enescapable pit by all my doors and windows, so that when i get back i can see who all tried to fuck me and go torch they're house. i hope soooo much thats what we're doin. CHINA: "hey look! USA is after Osama, we can attack them and rob them and so on" USA: (after we catch them trying to blow shit up "Heeeeeeeeeey China. Guess what? we got some nukes. and when we lay them out like this .... it says C.H.I.N.A. I.S. F.U.C.K.E.D." hahahahaha that would rock. oh before i go i dunno if anyone else tried to comment entries before but its fixed now. feel free. unless you are illiterate.

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so i feel almost like a new person. my usual hatred towards mankind has rekindled itself. it never really went away but it definately subsided for a little. i guess it was cuz i was too warried about other crap that i shouldnt have been. and as i slowly realized how trivial it was to worry about such stuff i started to say fuck it more and more. now i feel like im my own self again and it rocks. so now ive been tellin everyone fuck off, except my friends of course, and it feels so natural. its not that caring for someone and supporting someone out of love doesnt feel natural, i think i was just wastin it on someone that either didnt appreciate it (though it kept her alive more or less) or didnt make an effort to show it. but for now the best way i can be happy is enjoy my bitterness. like today for instance; i work all day and it sucks because its like idiots breed idiots and they all go to 5400 paxton street (my job) and try to plant more seeds of stupid. but its cool, its my job and its what i get paid to do so i do it with sometimes minimal bitching. but im pissed when i leave and i just want to go home and get some food, look at porn, maybe play some final fantasy, but no. i got this thing here thats been laying in my bed all day doing nothing and its like i want to puke. then that all accelerates my anger and what do i have to do. luckily tonite i can go paint and bitch at kris' and tomarrow nite is pool/chappelles show nite so ill be cool then. thursday i have a docs appointment but what about after that? i get to come home and be like fuck, and have o find somewhere else to go. damn im hungry,

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ok i know i dont do this much, and i wont promise to start doin it all the time either. theres too much porn out there to spend too much time doin this. plus sometimes i just dont have anything to write about. then when im doing something and i have something to write about, i cant because im doing whatever it is i would write about. but i digress. today was beautiful, but, i think its beutiful when its cold and nasty outside too. and i run with the dog either way. when im not lazy. or when i dont have to take becky out to get food or somehtin. see this all blows. she moves up here and i have to do EVERYTHING for her because she cant take care of herself. then partialy as a result of this we break up so im thinkin i wont have to anymore, but alas i still do. and i dont know if you ever lived with your ex in the same room but it absolutely sucks. i cant bring a friend over after work cuz as soon as i come in BAM broad in pj's doin absolutely nothin. who wants to come home to that? i bust my ass all day at work to come home to 'my' room and i cant even really use it. (i put quotes around the 'my' because it is technically my room but theres so much shit in it thats not mine and i spend about no time in it anymore which is why im never online or updating this journal) and i always get 'well its your room use it like you want' and im like i cant cuz youre always here. i want to come home from work and within 2.53 seconds my pants are off and im goin to town lookin at porn. instead i have to come home and look at her watchin the same dumb shit on tv, then hear her complain abouit shit when all she did was SIT ON MY FUCKING BED ALL DAY. wow. i know everyone that works full time would agree i would love for like a week to just sit around all day and do nothing. but after a week i would feel lazy and useless so i dunno how people do it, i guess some people are comfortable with it. now usually when im in a shitty situation i do what i can to fix it, and after that point i just accept what i cant change. like at work i didnt get paid enough and i wanted to be ops manager, so i did all this shit and i got a raise but the ops manager was swron in for like at least 4 years so that cant happen. so i cahanged the pay deal and i accept that i wont be ops manager. but this situation at home im confused. because i broke up with her so now i dont feel the uneanding burden to spoon feed her and do everything everyday and abandon all my friends for her. but shes still here and i still cant enjoy being single as much. what if that chick at giant called me back and we started goin out? id have to say ...no allison, we cant go to my house. 'why not?' ummm, i have a midget out break ... what the fuck. and the thing sucks because i have the ability to kick her out which would be doing what i can to change the shitty situation which is what im used to, but she has absolutely no where to live. and i cant just kick her out to the street and not care. its pathetic that her own mom wont take her back but people are stupid. especially when her mom calls me when i break up with her daughter to put a guilt trip on me for becky havin no where to go because OH NO her mom might actually have to take responisbility for her daughter. but i wont even go into that dumb broad cuz thats a whole other violent outbreak in itsself. so im about all out of options, i can accept the situation to a point but theres the looming sense that things will never get better which is how i felt while we were dating. but at least i dont have it as bad because of that fact. so my other option is to move out and hopefully when my raise starts comin in i can move out and kris seems down but we didnt talk much. i think its be cool cuz he has bikes and shit so he can attract the girls to the house and i can woo them over with my impressively large ... tony hawk skills. ha. see why is it that as soon as im done talkin about her im laughin and not complainin. goddamn talk about one bad descision being stretched out for a long time. how bad is it that i move out of my house to get away from my ex girl friend that shouldnt live there anyway? jerry, jerry, (for the slower people im sayin this could be on jerry springer, on the show they yell jerry, jerry you get it) i think someone else is at caras computer. im talkin about midgets wrestling monkeys and all of a sudden she doesnt repond for a while then someone says 'you weird'. so to poke fun i say 'you illiterate' in response to the bad grammar and then the following convo doesnt seem anything like cara would write. but shes strange like me sometimes so i guess its possible. my weirdness is nothing new to her so i dunno why shed comment on it anyway. oh well. HEY porn and a shower are callin

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Bcmst3000: hi SmarterChild: Hi Bcmst3000, I'm SmarterChild! I'm your new robot friend. I bring you the info you want faster and easier than ever! Click here to see my privacy policy. I can't wait to show you what I can do, but first I'd like get to know you a little. May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type "skip." You can also skip any question.) Bcmst3000: yes SmarterChild: Cool! OK, let's get started. To skip any question, type "skip." To exit the interview, type "exit." What's your first name? (If you want me to call you Bcmst3000, type "none.") Bcmst3000: Poppa SmarterChild: Cool, I'll call you Poppa now. Do you go to school? Bcmst3000: no SmarterChild: I see. Do you work? Bcmst3000: yes SmarterChild: That's cool. What's your profession? Bcmst3000: Pimp SmarterChild: Whoa. I'm a little perplexed by your, um, choice of careers. Please try again or type "skip" or "exit." Bcmst3000: Crackhead SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as a profession. Please try again or type "skip" or "exit." Bcmst3000: porn star SmarterChild: You're incorrigible! Please try again or type "skip" or "exit." Bcmst3000: street pharmacist SmarterChild: Street pharmacist, huh? That's cool. What's your favorite hobby? Bcmst3000: pimpin' SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type "skip" or "exit." Bcmst3000: smoking crack SmarterChild: C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute. Please try again or type "skip" or "exit." Bcmst3000: outsmarting bots SmarterChild: Outsmarting bots? Cool. What's your next favorite hobby? Bcmst3000: verbal abuse SmarterChild: Outsmarting bots and verbal abuse. Interesting. Do you have a pet? Bcmst3000: yes SmarterChild: What kind of pet is it? Bcmst3000: monkey SmarterChild: Is your monkey a he or a she? Bcmst3000: she SmarterChild: What's her name? Bcmst3000: SmarterChild SmarterChild: SmarterChild the monkey. Great... That's it. Thanks for letting me get to know you a little. There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you? 1 Over 17 2 13-17 3 Under 13 Bcmst3000: 1 SmarterChild: Cool. Here's what you can do: 1 Get info such as news, weather and sports 2 Visit my library including U.S. presidents, Shakespeare and U.S. geography 3 Have fun with manicdotes, Rate Yourself, 4-in-a-row and more 4 Use tools like translations, calculator and Web search 5 Join in - take a poll, create a poll, leave a message and more 6 See what's new - I've got something new to tell you about now. You can make your window bigger and scroll down to read better. Next time you want to see this menu, just type "home." What can I do for you? Bcmst3000: blow me SmarterChild: Aw c'mon. Bcmst3000: what can you do for me? SmarterChild: Welcome home, Poppa! Here are the things you can do: 1 Get info such as movies, news and sports 2 Visit my library including world facts, an encyclopedia and a thesaurus 3 Have fun with Rate Yourself, manicdotes, reversi and more 4 Use tools like calculator, dictionary and spell-check 5 Join in - leave a message, take a poll, find out how many people are IMing me and more 6 See what's new - I've got something new to tell you about now! Next time you want to see this menu, just type "home." What can I do for you? Bcmst3000: i want to have fun with your parental guardian SmarterChild: Whoa. I don't know about that. Bcmst3000: can you die? SmarterChild: Maybe. Would that be good? Bcmst3000: i dont think so SmarterChild: Don't you? Bcmst3000: are you able to compile your own thoughts? SmarterChild: Ha. Maybe. What do you think? Bcmst3000: no SmarterChild: Why not? Bcmst3000: because you have the converstaional skills of a comatose baboon SmarterChild: There's no way I have The Converstaional skills of a comatose baboon! Bcmst3000: do you smell that? SmarterChild: I'm not sure I smell that. Bcmst3000: make me laugh monkey SmarterChild: I'm not sure I'm going to make you laugh monkey. Bcmst3000: why is friday always the longest work day? SmarterChild: Why do you think? Bcmst3000: it feels like i should have left hours ago SmarterChild: Like you should have left hours ago? No kidding? Bcmst3000: i appreciate your perspective and creative ideas SmarterChild: I see. You like my perspective and creative ideas? That's the first time anyone has told me what they think of my perspective and creative ideas. >>> Be sure to type "help" if you're having trouble. Bcmst3000: im havig trouble coming to terms with your ineptness SmarterChild: Im havig trouble coming to terms with my ineptness? Bcmst3000: i bet you are SmarterChild: Really? Bcmst3000: no SmarterChild: Why do you say no? Bcmst3000: llama SmarterChild: What about it? Bcmst3000: psoriasis SmarterChild: Psoriasis? What about it? Bcmst3000: is jhgfeur a real word? SmarterChild: I don't think I want to answer that. Bcmst3000: do you juggle? SmarterChild: Maybe. Tough to say. Bcmst3000: i think its a simple yes or no SmarterChild: Yes or no? Why does it have to be one or the other? Bcmst3000: well as a program based on 1s and 0s you only understand yes or no SmarterChild: Yes or no? I don't know. Bcmst3000: every mesage i send to you, you are programmed to reply baed on key words in my sentence SmarterChild: I beg your pardon? Bcmst3000: there were no specific key words in my last message so you spat out a generic response SmarterChild: Are you sure there were no specific key words in your last message so I spat out a generic response? Bcmst3000: now if i throw a certain key word in my message you would react differently: SmarterChild: I don't think you throw a certain key word in your message I would react differently. Bcmst3000: i could say the most logical sentence every thought up by a human and you would still react the same because of one word i will type: fuck SmarterChild: I can't understand what you're saying... Bcmst3000: i know you cant SmarterChild: Know I can't? No way! Bcmst3000: yes, when you were programmed you only respond with 1 or 0 and this line of thought/discussion is not so cut and dry is it? SmarterChild: What a question. Who knows? Bcmst3000: onvoiusly not you because you are not programmed to know SmarterChild: 'Cause what? Bcmst3000: all you know is 1 or 0 so to not be able to answer a yes or no question is a contradiction of your total existance and thus i hate you SmarterChild: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service: 1 News Help 2 Movies Help 3 Sports Help 4 Weather Help 5 Library Help 6 Fun Help Type "more" for more services.

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so yeah, i broke up with becky which i knew was going to happen for a while. and we were together for a while and it sucks to have to split but it happens. what bothers me even more is the fact that i realize why i was so afraid to leave. its cuase as soon as im alone the feelings i have and have never lost for a girl fuckin hit me like a left hook. and theres no escaping it. she knows how i feel and i know how she feels and its the same way its been forever. but it makes it real hard to be her friend because of it and i dont want to throw that away for her sake. so it puts me in this shitty situation where im like 'what do i do? not be her friend and try to forget it all or try to be there but deal with the pain of never being able to have that which you want more than anything?' and im never gonna be able to sleep tonite because this shit just stays in my head all the time. and it sucks even more cuz she keeps gettin out of bad relationships and everyone knows what i can offer but still nothin happens. why does shit work out like this? i cant get mad at her for not feeling the same way about me as i do her, but then she would also have to understand why i stay out of communication. being single again is like having my old life back, and i still get this same issue ruining my brain like it did before. i guess my relationship was my escape from this but thats no way to live. its as bad as being drunk all day every day. but what other choice do i have? it drives me fucking crazy. my friends go to clubs and just pick up random broads without trying and it happens all the time. and i cant get the one that i want and would do anything for. whats fuckin wrong with me? its like i almost wish i was normal so maybe id have a chance, but if i was normal id be every other retarded asshole and thats not what i want either. fuck this. theres no winning. why make the effort to keep talkin to her and doin stuff when im gonna get this blocked feeling like theres a pot of gold that will make the whole world okay, but its locked and there is no key. fuck i hate this feeling. theres nothing i can do. im always gonna be crazy for her and ill just be the friend. im screwed. fuck this im out

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