SO, as an RA i have to go to a staff meeting every week with the other Ra's in my bulding. We always start off with some "deep" question to break the ice because we talk about RA stuff. So the other week it was something like, if you had all the education you needed and all the money you needed what would you be doing with your life??? I was at a total loss for words, i could not think of one thing. It has been bugging me alot since that meeting. Then yesterday it hit me. EXACTLY i knew without a doubt what i would be doing...
I would be a photographer, just for me though i wouldn't become like an AD photographer or anything like that. So then i was thinking...why am i not doing that now? 1) i am not in a photo class, 2) photo classes=$$$$ money at least here at towson, 3) I don't have time, 4) i dont have the $$$ to get my film developed and half the time i don't like the way the film was developed.
So i began to think....exactly how hard would it be to build and set up a little dark room?? I found out that it wouldn't be that hard, because in my room there used to be a kitchen, and the sit and everything is still set up. All i would need would be to putup two walls block the light and buy a start up kit. A great kit with an enlarger only costs about 400 bucks; and it comes with everything i would need. It seems like a great plan to me. I think it would be a lot of fun. The only problem is it would be in my house....do i want to build a room and spend a ton of money on something in a place i will only be living in for what? at max another 3 years,odd are it will be less, more like 2ish. And i will only really be able to use it over winter break and the summer time.
If i built it, it would be a reason to go home a lot which maybe my parents would like maybe they wouldn't. I can't figure out if my house is going to be the kind i only go back to once in a while or if i am going to me a constant visitor.... it's weird to think about stuff like that.....
oh well. just a nutty idea i had.

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Today was a very good day for me. My classes were eh. But i went to the gym and it was awesome. Then i had a yummy lunch with some friends. But after classes i was a little tired and felt blah.
But when i walked into the office my friend firenza said she thought i looked really pretty today. it was very nice to hear and it made my day.
It is kinda sucky that i have duty today, and that i won't be talking to my bf on the phone today because of that. BUT he is coming up for the weekend and i am so very exicted about it. We are going to a BIG HUGE AWESOME corn maze, hay ride, farm thing and it will be lots of fun. My friends are jealous. :-)
My friend jordan called while he was waiting for his air craft over to england ( a 9 hour wait) he sounded sad but he said he was ok. i think he is way more scared then he lets on. I hope he has a great time in england because it is one of the my favorite places on the planet.
now i have to grab din din, print my board, and get my bum down to the office for duty. :-P

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I really dislike the 8am Physics class i am about to go to. But i really love my long selves green shirt with cherries that i am wearing to this class...
hope it is is good day.

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This year is different from all the others years…. I feel disconnected from the world like it is going by and I am standing still. I don’t feel like I am accomplishing anything….anything other then getting into ridiculous tiffs with my boyfriend pointless issues. I hate going to classes because none of them really relate to my major, and I try to balance this RA thing with the friend thing…and I have no life. It sucks…I want a life I want to go out and whatever. But even when I have time to do that, I have no idea where to go. So I stay put while the world goes by.
I would like to do so many things I really would. But I never can…. I want to go out dancing but only with a certain person who won’t go. I want to go on a romantic vacation, I want to go to fright fest and a corn maze and I want to learn how to ski.
None of this will happen because life always stops me…I put work 1st so I won’t leave. Or I want to do that stuff but with certain people. And they won’t be ready when I am ready. I am sick of this boring day in and day out thing I am living. I want to experience life….but I have no idea how to start….

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You know how you know when you are getting older? When you think back to something that doesn’t seem that long ago and say you were a crazy kid…. I did that the other day when I was thinking about my 9th grade year and all the silly things I did. I dressed all over the place from gothic to skater to preppy and everything in the middle. And I was happy…I thought I wasn’t and I complained about how hard life was… but in the end it wasn’t so bad. A little drama but that is what makes like exciting in the long run.
I feel old when I see things being destroyed…let me explain this a little more. I can remember 9th grade like it was yesterday. My best friend at the time lived very near me a 10 min walk if you didn’t cut through the yards. And we had many adventures together and it was amazing. On night we tried cutting through a yard and ended up in the woods by our homes and we just kept going….and we stumbled into a fence and hopped over it….Into a yard that had goats….yes goats in the middle of a housing development basically. We turned our butts around and hopped back over the fence; thinking….do goats charge??? Heh it still makes me smile when I think about this. We did lots of things together in that short time we were friends.
Anyway…. I was driving past that area the last time I was home and those woods….the woods that seemed to dark and dense late that night in 9th grade were pretty much gone. There is now a sign up saying houses are going to be put up instead….it seems silly but just that one thing made me feel old…
When I talk to my boyfriend from 9th grade we talk like we are old farts calling each other kids. And it doesn’t seem weird because it was what feels like a lifetime ago. I talk to few people I knew that year….they all went one way and I didn’t…I wonder if I would be like them now…a hip/emo/rocker/artist/intellect. I doubt it…I was never that type of person I was always more at home with the AP crowd and the board game night then the party night…
I have a friend who was a board gamer and is now a partier and I can’t figure out if she is doing that because that is what makes her happy or if she is doing that because she has always desperately wanted to fit into that crowd and now is her chance. I call her my friend….that is amusing I shouldn’t say that because at this moment she knows nothing of my life and I know nothing about hers. She has totally retreated from the people she used to call friends and is now with a totally different set of friends. It is amazing how fast she did this 180 and it is a little scary because how can someone change so fast what they enjoy doing??? I have never felt like I am missing out because I opted not to go to the parties…
She has new friends and a new boyfriend and a new life. It’s amazing to be in all happened in a blink but it probably didn’t I was just to blind to see the changes. It makes me wonder who I will be friends with in another 4 years…. I wonder who I will like and who will annoy me. I have a feeling even if Mike and I were to break up, given enough time we would end up being friends in the long run. The few people I am still close with from 9th/10th grade are the two boys I dated. Ironic in some ways….
I have a new friend I made in college she makes me laugh and we have more in common then we thought, but we still have vastly different personalities which makes our dinner time conversations very interesting. I have a feeling if I wanted to we would stay friends and if mike and I stay together then I will stay friends with his group. But the honest truth is if we broke up I doubt I would stay close with any of his friends….perhaps Scott but he is the only one I really talk with a lot.
Stuff like this makes me wish I could fast forward 5 yrs and see how life turns out. But I guess is I could do that the journey wouldn’t be as fun….

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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