I feel dizzy and light headed. I feel unbalanced. I have no idea why either. I just stood up and all of a sudden I was dizzy and unbalanced. My focus isn't straight.

Usually when I stand up too quickly or turn around too quickly, I get dizzy and/or black out for a second cuz I have low blood oxygen. It something that I've been dealing with for about 10 or so years now, so that's nothing new to me. But this is different.

It didn't go away right away. It almost feels like I'm buzzing. But I haven't had anything to drink in a few months.

I think I'm just gonna lay down and see how I feel later on.

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I find it sort of weird how, whenever I watch a new show or movie and I see an extremely hot actor, I become really into them. Not obsessive, but I just have a new favorite actor for the time being.

It started out when I was about 12 or 13 {in this case and this case only, I was obsessed} when I saw Sleepy Hollow. I became infatuated with Johnny Depp. He is still one of my favorite actors of all time, but I no longer fatasize about meeting him and somehow magically getting a starring role next to him in a Hollywood blockbuster. That was all in the past.

Most recently there are two actors {somewhat famous, but not as well known as Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp} that I have become interested in: Steven Strait {he plays Caleb in The Covenant and Warren Peace in Sky High} and Jason Ritter {son of late actor John Ritter; he plays Ethan Haas on The Class}.

I find both of them very attractive and it'd be frickin awesome to meet either or both in person. I'm sure this interest in them will last as long as they are in movies or television shows. I'm also sure that this will most likely pass as I happen upon a different, possibly new upcoming {really hot} actor.

I know I'm not the only one who dreams of meeting someone famous, but in this kind of situation where I kind of only want to meet certain celebrities, am I completely hopeless?

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So I've been talking to this guy online. He found me through a mutual site {not this nor myspace} and we've been talking for the last few weeks. We just exchanged phone numbers like a week ago and I finally talked to him tonight.

I wasn't really too sure if I wanted to meet him cuz I I don't trust people a whole lot and I didn't think he looked too cute in his pics, but hey you can look better in person so that wasn't a big reason.

Anywho, talking to him tonight, he reminded me a lot of Dylan {the guy who stood me up on my b-day; I wrote about it back when it happened}. So that's sort of an iffy thing for me.

I can't completely make up my mind cuz I've never met him, but so far the odds are against anything happening. Whatever. I'm moving in 5 months so nothing serious is going to come out of this anyway. At least nothing like 'relationship' serious. Probably the most serious thing that's going to happen is a new friend.

I'm still sort of interested in Charlie, but that's something that can't happen until July at the very least. Oh well.

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Well, I messaged him and he remembers me. I was pretty happy about that. We've been messaging each other for the last couple days. It puts a smile on my face whenever I see that I have a message from him.

In one of the messages I said that I was sort of surprised that he remembered me and his response was 'of course I remember you. that's a silly thing to say' I'm glad he remembers me.

He also said that once I get out there we should hang out. I'd love that. I'd love to be able to see him again and chill out with him. We'd be able to go out and actually catch up. I mean, hell, its been about 5 years since the last time I saw or heard anything from him. At least some stuff had to have happened in the last 5 years. I know plenty has happened with me, but I move around a lot so stuff is bound to happen.

I also messaged one of my exboyfriends. He was happy to hear from me also. At least he hasn't responded the way that one of my other ex's did when I messaged him. I'm glad that he remembers me and is okay with talking to me. Even though I didn't treat him all that well the last part of my senior year. Oh well. I was 17 and engaged to someone else and I had no idea what I was doing. Whatever.

Anywho, aside from the fact that I really want to get away from this place, I'm now looking even forward to moving out to Vegas to see Charlie. At least someone that I knew from back in the day is still out there and remembers me. And its someone that I liked. After the shitty day I had today, it was nice to see that message from him.

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Ya know, its crazy just how many people I remember from my past regardless of what I tell everyone about not remembering. Mostly its guys that I remember though. Probably cuz I'm a girl, but that's completely beside the point.

I was looking through old year books and I came across many people who I had highlighted. I remembered some, but the longer its been the less I remember. Some of the people I had highlighted, I was like 'who the hell is this and why are they highlighted?' But the guys, on the other hand, most of them I remembered and I could remember at least one thing about the significance they had towards my memory.

There is one person, however, that is not in any yearbook I have, yet I remember him almost as clearly as if it hasn't been 6 years since I've seen or heard anything from him.

His name is Charles, or Charlie; either one works. He is the younger brother of Robert, {we like to call him Bob or Bobert, though he hated the second nickname} my freshman and sophomore year drum major {I was in a marching band; if you were too, than you'd know that term}. At first I had the crush on Robert. I saw him more often, for obvious reasons. But at one of the football games, or competitions {I can't remember exactly} I met his younger brother, Charles. Almost instantly my crush on Robert was over. I now had a crush on Charles. I was a little uneasy about the fact that he was a year younger than me. But I got over it quickly as I was only 14 or 15 and he 13 or 14.

Anywho, it didn't go anywhere between us. We were both young and he was very shy; more so than I, which was hard to do. {I'm still very shy, but I'm slightly more open than back then} He would come over to my place and hang out. I'd go to his as well. He appeared to like me so I kissed him, but then he confessed that was his first and he wasn't sure of it yet. Weird, I know, but whatever. It hurt me a bit, but I got over it after we didn't see one another any longer. Every time we happened to run into one another it was awkward so thankfully we didn't see each other much.

After I moved, I lost contact with both Robert and Charles, but from time to time I would wonder how they were doing. And I still do, but much less frequently. Well, due to the strange convenience of Myspace, my curiosity got the better of me and I found Robert. He's gotten a little more heavy-set than I would have expected him to, but he's in a ska band {just a local Las Vegas band} with a few classmates of his from high school. Through Robert's profile I found Charles.

He's still as cute as ever. Only more grown up. He's 19 now. I wonder how awkward it would be if I were to run into him now. Haha, I guess it'd be pretty funny. Oh well. I doubt it'll happen, but who knows. Though Las Vegas is a pretty big city, my sister runs into her friends all the time. Who knows who I could run into once I'm out there.

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My little step-brother's 12th birthday is tomorrow. And I won't be able to wish him a happy birthday. I can't. I haven't seen him or talked to him since May of 2005. He lives with his bitch of a mother now and has since the death of his father. Since my mother and step-father were never legally married, when my stepfather died, my mom had no way of keeping my brother. Thus causing him to have to live again with his biological mother.

Let me give a small insight into my little brother's biological mother. She abused him for the first 5 years of his life. My stepfather was awarded custody and his biological mother was granted supervised visitations only. For 5 years my little brother lived with us. He learned what it was like to be a part of a loving, caring family; not an abusive one. Due to his early upbringing he has a learning disability. He has ADHD and up until recently was borderline autistic. When my stepfather got sick and passed away, due to the lack of legality, we had no choice but to have my brother go back to live with his biological mother. My brother took his father's death better than the knowledge of having to live with his mother. He screamed and cried and held on to the police when they told him he had to go with her.

I hate her with all that is in me. If it were not the guilt I'd feel of having my brother lose both his parents, I would have killed her. The jail time would have meant nothing to me if it meant that my brother would be able to stay with my mom and sister.

Obviously it didn't happen. And now I haven't seen or talked to him since May of 2005. I doubt if I'll ever see him again and if I do it will be much later in life. Oh well. Life will play out as its meant to be.

So here is the lost birthday wish for my little brother. Happy Birthday Matthew. I love you.

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