talk about teenaged angst Monday. 1.22.07 8:59 pm Sorry I'm not updating often. A lot of shit is happening; adult problems in a child's body, really.
It's driving me crazy, the pain. It's not just me anymore; there's no room for me to wallow in any self-pity I may accumulate. This is something beyond that. All of my friends are going through shit that I don't know how to deal with -- I've stopped being able to force comforting words that I choke on as they slip past my lips, I just can't do it anymore.
I want to scream.
Nothing's going right, and I hate crying in this angst but I haven't seen true happiness in so long. My heart bleeds for Tiffany: when she smiles, it's so vacant, and looking into the darkness of her eyes only reflects the same blank darkness on the inside. I'm the girl who people I barley know come to for advice, so I'm supposed to be able to give it... but I'm running on empty.
Sometimes I just stop and watch things pass me by, and as I'm doing so I'm suddenly overwhelmed by unfounded sadness. I don't even know where it's coming from. From Tiffany; from the sadness she's not willing to admit, because she's trying to be stronger than she believes she is? From Daphne; from the tears she's trying to hold back, because crying only makes it worse? From Mark; from the truth he's trying to hide, because he doesn't want his sister to give up? From Michael; from the pain he's trying to ignore, because he doesn't want his inner-self to be seen? From where -- from who?
I think they're all moving so fast, to keep themselves busy, to keep the pain away -- and when I try to stop and observe, the pain they're running from catches up to me and overwhelmes me. I've cried for them, because they won't; I shed the tears that refuse to fall from their eye.
I'm not as strong as they are. They can run and not look back, they can run and look towards the brighter tomorrow... but I can't. I need to look back. I need to stop and bite down on my lip. I'm just not that strong. I can't bare to see them in pain.
Why do I feel like there's nothing I can do... about anything? My once-firm grasp on reality is slipping through my fingers, falling to the floor as swiftly as a silk gown cut from the waist of an empress.
It's useless. I haven't slept in ages. Comment! (1) | Recommend! Wednesday. 12.27.06 1:13 am I'm brilliant. I've devised a way to sleep when you're awake; if you block everything out and stare blankly ahead, its an odd way to sleep consciously. My stroke of brilliance. Only, it works better when you're laying down in the dark with your eyes closed and if you're unaware of your surroundings. Maybe a dream or two would help as well. Today was fun. I haven't gotten to hang with Danny for a while... it was somewhat refreshing, if you will. Tomorrow I really hope I can go to Ariel's house. Mainly because Michael will be there. Har. Also because I've decided I really should become more social, instead of limiting myself to my selective number of friends and dragging them around with me. And letting go of first impressions is a neccessity in life, one has come to learn. Hm. Why do I publish these shards of thought called blogs? Obviously I write them as a way to organize my mumbled brain, but why do I publish them? It's not like I would get any sort of benefit out of having those few who read my blogs generally view them. I just write them... then click submit. Because I'm supposed to. Or something. I really don't know why I do it. But I still do it. Hahh... doesn't that sound familiar. Hello, past, may I beat you violently until you're gone? It's cold. And I really want my fuckin' cellphone charger. I complain too much. I like the cold better than the heat. And at least I have a cellphone. I really should start being more positive, don't you think? Yeah. That'll happen. Look. I took photography-like pictures. That's how boring christmas is to me. Okay, I'm done. Anyways, I'm going to go find a blanket to wrap myself in. Seeya. Comment! (1) | Recommend! Thursday. 12.14.06 6:35 pm My sides hurt. I think all aspects of feminism are horrible. I mean, not only must we push living creatures out of us in order for the world to go on, but we are the ones who must shave our legs and pluck our eyebrows and do every other thing possible. And don't get me started on boobs. I may have small ones but they're enough for me to dislike. And, of course, periods. I think I deserve to be a guy. I even cut my hair that short. I mean, the only advantage girls have over guys is the limiting sex factor; we threaten to take away sex and men are our instant slaves. This can come in handy.
Anyways, a small update in life: next week are midterms. Which means I will be getting home at 12:30 everyday. This I'm rather excited about. The actual testing... not so much. I'm waving my 4, 6, and 7th periods though. And I have no doubt that English will be extremely easy. So, considering all of this, I only have three periods I'm at all fretting over.
But yeah, I have many things to do tonight, so I'm off to do them. Byeas. Comment! (1) | Recommend! Can I purchase a "Slow" sign? Tuesday. 12.12.06 9:19 pm It's always been a known cliche that with high school comes problematic equations that seem unsolvable, and I don't speak in mathematics, but in life; I never knew it could be so literal.
For me it started a coupe days before my first year of high school, when something of a brotherly figure was taken from my life in a matter of what could have been seconds, or minutes; I'll never know just for how long he suffered and gasped for breath before it was done. Following that was only more shit that seemed to fly at me faster than I could take, which was something in and of itself, because not often do I freak out on a large scale and look at things irrationally. Things that would normally come so simply to me are now hard-gains... and I can feel these things slipping from my grasp. I'm failing in school, which is some huge deal for me, because I've only always been an A-B-and-the-occasional-C student while barely trying. Naturally you'd think that I'd be freaking out, right? But I'm not -- I'm sort of watching it happen from somewhere else, as though I feel my life is a story in which I am a character, and as a character I already know that the ending is going to be a happy one, so I'm just chill about it and whatever happens, happens. But this isn't the case, and I know that, and yet I still feel unmotivated to care.
My friends seem to be dealing with the shit that I'm being consumed by, as well. Tiffany is doing as badly as I am in school, and on top of that, she recently found out that two of her friends have AIDs. She can't date the guy she likes because her parents are racist, and apparently that isn't enough for him, so he seems to be slipping through her fingers as though she were trying to hold on to sand. She seems to think she's not good at anything in life, and she can't understand her own feelings. I know the feeling, it's potentially very depressing.
Daphne's parents feel as though they have failed her because they did not flaunt her religion as she grew up, and they're now forcing on her all these things that nobody should have to deal with; they are trying to force her to be someone she's not, and someone she never will be, and she can't take that. She believes that she's a second child that nobody bothered to teach, because her sister knows all these things about their heritage, and their past, and everything, because their grandmother taught it to her before she died, which happened too early for Daphne to have learned anything from her. And that's not even all of it.
Michael's family (namely his younger sister) pisses him off all the time, and he has slight anger management issues (I have witnessed this on one occasion), so that makes it worse. On top of that, his father has drinking issues and that gets him really upset, especially when he witnesses it... and when he gets the blow of it. If he is anything like I am (though he has never admitted as much to me), he would feel so much worse by the fact that he promised himself that he would never drink alchohol and never follow in his father's footsteps, but he has already broken that promise on many occasions... such would be eating me from the inside, out.
I would do anything just to be the solution to everyone's problems, just to hold out of my hand and promise them that everything will be okay... but I can't even be here for myself, nonetheless other people. I find myself subconciously abusing myself: letting myself down, talking down to myself, and sometimes I don't eat right or don't take medication when it would be the obvious solution to some pain I experience.. but I never realize it until afterwards. I used to be this strong, spunky chick who would never take shit from anyone, and would never believe anything negative that was said to her... but I feel like that chick is breaking down, and this weak, fucked up, emotional mess is overwhelming her.
I don't know what the fuck is going on. Everything is moving too quickly.
I hate high school. Comment! (2) | Recommend! | 
