I talked with my mom for a bit on Friday when I took Chad in to work third shift and thankfully she sounded okay. She said things and said them in a way that made me believe that I don't have to worry TOO much about how she will handle the events of the past week with her depression. That was my biggest concern since her call on Thursday night.

She told me that she'd probably stay with one of his sisters for a few days while she makes calls about other options. She said that she'd give me the number to where she stays and the times that it would be okay to call. It just sucks that I am not sure when that call will come with no way to get into contact with her until she calls me. But I just have to hope for the best.

We're officially dedicating our show on July 27 to Rob.

I still worry that I don't know when I will hear from her. But I told her that I'd see what my schedule looked like and we'd have her down for a day&night of movies and food and stuff which she sounded very happy about it. Just have to see how my schedule looks after I hear from her and know when she'll be available. We were overdue for a get together anyway, honestly.

Work sucks.

New manager seems pretty cool. Today was my first day working with him. He has A LOT to learn but hey, who doesn't. It's just weird that I already know 75% more about the store and its operation than he does. But he'll catch on. Hopefully quickly. I informed him that I had signed the paper to be the Safety Manager but since I didn't get a raise from it and it's a lot of extra responsibility that I would like to step down unless I get money for it. Right now even 25 cents per hour is a big deal. But right now I am working my ass off. Literally. It's shrinking, I believe. And I am responsible for more than I should be simply because I do work my ass off. There's no incentive nor motivation for me to do more there let alone with any enthusiasm. And there's so much stuff going on outside of work that it's becoming ridiculous! One reason I was sticking with this job was that we felt that it was a good job to get time off when we need it for shows since they make us money as well. But with the constantly changing schedules..and I mean that quite literally as we get called in for extra shifts and called in early for our shifts and stay late...it is becoming much more of a hassle than a "9-5" job would be.

In the next week or so I am really going to voice my discontent and see if it either gets me more money...or just gives me the motivation to find something better. Well..attempt to find something better. I am just getting constantly pissed off with my job and I don't make enough to put up with constant extreme frustration from the job. Where there's a will..there's a way. I just feel that any decently paying job around here requires a related degree. Usually a BA or BS. I have neither. Just an Associates Degree which apparently equals the sum of a pile of dog shit hah But mark my words..something will happen. Even if I have to move somewhere else when the lease is up here. Hell..try the other part of the country.

Well I am off to test out my guitar that I rewired and restrung to see if it is working up to par so that I can use it for our show on Wednesday for a couple of the songs. I hope everything's going alright with all of you.

Goodnight.

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I am not sure how long this will turn out to be but I genuinely feel that every word that I will say does need to be said so please bear with me for as long as you can.

I received a call from my mom while I was at work. She left a voicemail. I didn't recognize the number that had shown but she told me that she hopes I get her message after my shift and will call her after 10:30pm. Well Erica and I worked second shift. The third shift worker didn't want to come in until first shift so they switched. This would leave her alone until 6am and there are a couple hours without customers. Our boss said that the doors can be locked from 1am til 4am. So I stayed off the clock until she could lock the door because her ex who was just recently released from jail is stalking/harassing her. So I didn't get home until 1am but I listened to the voicemail to get the number that she left for me to reach her at.

Now at first her voicemail sounded fine and I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong except for the way that she expressed that she really wanted me to call her. Normally, because she knows how busy and weird my schedules are with everything I've got going on, she'll just tell me to get back to her when I can. But it was obvious that she needed to hear from me A.S.A.P.. But she seemed to lose composure a little more as it went on. She informed me that she was spending a few nights at a motor lodge back in my hometown. I thought that just maybe she and her boyfriend Rob had had a little spat which happens from time-to-time but then usually one of them will go to the bar for a bit just let it chill. It was always stupid stuff and went away as quickly as it had started. I figured that maybe she needed me to drive down there to take her to the store or something and then she'd be going back. Even though that seemed to be very unusual that's what came to mind.

I couldn't believe what she fucking told me. Rob had passed away on July 4th. While my main concern had been the time-and-a-half I was getting for holiday pay...the other light in my mom's life had flickered out. They believe that it was a heartattack. I feel horrible for forgetting his exact age but I believe he was only in his early-to-mid forties. So sudden.

I didn't ask for details about whether it was in his sleep or if he was awake for it. Since they aren't positive of the cause I'd assume that it was in his sleep. I didn't, no could I ask my mom how it happened. I worry that she made the discovery. Please don't get me wrong...even when your loved one is terminally ill and you are certain that they won't be able to hang on much longer...it's incredibly difficult to accept. But I think that the shock..the sudden out-of-the-blueness of trying to wake your loved one up in the morning after both having gone to sleep like every other night. Not knowing that a single thing is wrong or anything horrible is going to happen. And to discover that. I am sure that I'll get the details eventually. There's no way I could ask more right now.

Chad and I were going to the pub that we frequent on the nights that we both have off and since I stayed at work late he left me a message that he'd gone down and bought us a pitcher of beer while he waited. I called my mom from the house and kept talking as I walked down. And I paced outside the pub as we talked some more. I will get into what we discussed later but she let me go. She sounded relatively well in all of this.

As much as I miss him and feel horrible...I am so scared for my mom. I know what he meant to her. Aside from me...everything! And she is on disability for debilitating depression and this is what worries me. My Uncle Larry and Aunt Debbie paid for her to stay at a hotel for three nights because she couldn't bear to be alone there right now. And what's worse..for some reason they've declared his house to be uninhabitable and she'll probably have about a month to find another place to live. Her therapist has a few options but none of them are all that great. I will see what i can do to help. But in my very, very few days off during this month (because I'll be working a ton of double shifts to cover 2 one-week long vacations and one two-week long vacation) I will go down there and help her go through things. See what's getting donated. What I should take. And we may get a larger storage space than we were going to and she said she'd give us some money as my idea would save her from having to pay for a whole one. There are some music related things she is sure that he'd want me to have because of our shared love and passion for music and he supported our cause and she believes that he'd appreciate the idea that atleast it was going to help us somehow.

That is what worries me most right now.

We are dedicating our show on July 27th to him. My mom is going to buy him a small flower arrangement because every ceremony should have some flowers even though he wasn't much of a flower guy. But everyone else can send money in lieu of flowers and as of now they will donate the money to the American Heart Association if they do rule it as a heartattack officially. I am thinking that we can put out a guitar case and people can just drop in whatever they can in his memory. And if they didn't know him then atleast they can think of the countless number of other people that they can help save with the money. And anything given will be added to the donation made to the AHA in his name.

I'm sorry. I'm drained from this right now and I have a decent length list to get done today so I should get going. Pray for a passed on soul. And please pray for my mom. If anything happens to her....

I guess I don't need to complete that as I can't imagine what it would be like right now so your guess would be as good as mine and just as likely to be correct.

I hope everyone has a great day and it's the start of an even better weekend.
Thank you for spending these few minutes (or however long it took you to read this) with me. I appreciate it greatly.

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