I was thinking earlier about relationships. And I was thinking about the reasons me and the 4 boyfriends I've had have broken up. {I don't count the 5th boyfriend I had cuz he was just psychotic}. The first one I had we broke up cuz I moved. The second, we broke up cuz the school zone changed and he had to go to a different school {I might as well have moved cuz we didn't live too close together anyway}. The third, supposedly he just wasn't ready for a relationship and it ended on a weird, uncomfortable note.

Now my fourth boyfriend is the only one I was serious with, though it lasted less than a year {I have yet to celebrate a one year anniversary}. I was engaged to him at 17. I was young and dumb and he become my life. Three days after our 6 month anniversary, I moved. Long story short, the relationship obviously failed due to the 2100 miles between us.

Now, I'm going to be moving out of Tucson in just over 5 months so I don't want to get involved with anyone due to the indefinate fact that I won't stay here. Once I get to Las Vegas, I'm not going to be as avoidant about meeting someone, but I'm still going to be extremely careful. I'm starting to think that I'm afraid of getting serious with anyone. Once I'm in the relationship, I'm almost too committed, but its getting into one that I seem to have an issue with.

Another reason {though this isn't a huge reason} is the fact that my mom has been widowed, not once, but twice. I'm not afraid that the person I become involved with is going to pass, but I just haven't known much luck with relationships.

The only relationship, recently, that has seemed to work with very small issues is the one that my little sister is in. They have been together for over a year and a half and they're still going strong despite the slight age difference {she'll be 17 in May and he just turned 19 this past December}. I'm afraid for her, though. Not for any other reason besides the fact that she's my sister and I don't want to see her get hurt.

I'm also not the most self confident person either. I'm not as insecure and self-conscious as I was a few years back, but I do have my insecurities. I'm afraid of things that could go wrong.

Oh well. I'm sure that things will play out as they are meant to and I'll meet and become involved with someone who is meant to be with me. A couple meant to be together. But that's all in the distant future. The only things I need to focus on right now are not screwing up at the job I have now and saving up money for my move to Las Vegas in July.

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

If you've never seen the movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you're sooo missing out. It is one of the best movies of 2005 and one of the funniest movies ever. I'm watching it right now and since I'm bored, I decided to share that with you. Here's a trailer {not your ordinary trailer} just in case you've been unfortunate enough to have never seen the movie. And if you have seen the movie, then you'll understand what's going on in the trailer. Either way, you'll find it funny.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Two years ago today, I moved out on my own. I left the nest to start my own life. It was hard to get started, but I managed just fine. I only had to wait two weeks before I got a job. Three months after I came here, I had a place of my own. {I had been kicked out of where I was staying, hence leading to getting my own place; long story that I'd rather not get in to}

You would think that I'd be happy and celebrate my independence, but au contraire...

I don't like Tucson. It was not my first choice for a place to live on my own. Actually it wasn't even a thought until my friend in Phoenix suggested I come here. {My original plan was to go back to Florida to live with my boyfriend at the time; he turned out to be a douchebag}

I've only ever had the one job. I've managed to keep my first job for almost two years. Its a shitty job, but I like the people who I work with. Not exactly the most fair tradeoff, but it works. I can always just find another job, but I'll be moving in 6 months. Its almost pointless to find a job just to quit a few months later.

If it gets so bad at the job I'm at now, I'll look for something else. But with Joey gone almost for good {the new store isn't open quite yet} things should be getting a little better.

Anywho, here's to celebrating two years of my own personal independence.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

I hate it when the guide on TV is wrong. I was anticipating watching this show tonight, but when I turned it on, it was something else.

Ugh.

Hopefully the show I wanted to watch will be on again.

~~> since its on cable {comedy central to be exact} it most likely will be

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

I've made up my mind. And when I have my mind set, it usually stays that way.

I'm moving in 6 months. I do believe 6 months from today or tomorrow, actually. And I've decided that I'm not going to keep track of the days anymore. I'm not going to try and make any new friends, but if it happens I'm not going to push it away. I am, however, not going to become interested in any guys. I can think any guy is cute, but nothing more than that.

I've stopped keeping track of the days. This makes it easier cuz I've got no expectations. I don't wake up and say 'today is going to be a long day' just simply cuz of what day it is. So I've got six months of being oblivious to the days of the week.

I've lost all interest in Tucson. I have no ties here. And I only have a few friends here, if even that. So once I leave, I doubt very much if I'll be back more than to just drive through on a road trip.

Anywho, that's about it for now.

Comment! (3) | Recommend! (1)

I've been having this reoccuring dream about a certain someone from my past. Its not the exact same dream every time, but it revolves around the same person.

Its about my ex. My ex that I haven't talked to in over a year. My ex that I pretty much stopped thinking about ... on a conscious level anyway. My ex-fiance from high school, Randy.

Each scenario is the same, I run into him sometime in the future. The location and the time in the future is different. And my status differs each time, depending on the location and the time.

The first scenario: If I run into him while I'm still in Tucson, I'm single. I'm usually at work and I get confused as to how he found me. We talk and start hanging out, but then I usually wake up. Nothing happens.

The second scenario: If I run into him while I'm in Las Vegas, I'm dating, but not totally tied down. We start hanging out and he declares that he wants me back. He'd do anything to get me to break up with my current boyfriend to go back to him. I start to argue with myself and begin debating in my own head, but I wake up before a decision is made.

The third and final scenario {the one that seems to be reoccuring more often}: If I run into him once I've made it to Florida, I'm already married and have been for at least a year. He doesn't realize this right away and for some reason I don't tell him. Maybe its cuz I don't want to completely destroy him right away; I don't know. We start talking, but when he wants to start hanging out more often, I finally tell him that I'm married and show him the ring. I start to tell him how we met and how we came to be married and how long we've been married. This upsets him, but he seems to understand. Before anything else happens I wake up.

I sort of wish I knew what these meant. Why I'm dreaming about my ex. And why I'm dreaming it up in different situations. It doesn't really bother me too much. I don't think about him too much when I'm awake. Its usually when I'm sleeping and don't have total control over where my mind goes.

Oh well.

Maybe one day I'll figure it out. Maybe I won't. Who knows. I just wonder why.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!