How about I update you all on the situation with Michael, hm?

Here's to the point. He spent the night kissing (I shouldn't be so vague, there was definitely tongue involved) and snuggling Amanda, and now, he wants me back.

Anyways, because I'm lazy and tired and it's like 4-something in the morning, I'm just going to show you a conversation we had over AIM. Well, a part of it, anyways. I'll leave the immensely sarcastic fighting how. Hah.

Michael: I dont like amanda anymore
Me: well that lasted long.
Me: sucks for you. why not?
Michael: i told to I wasnt gonna like her more, I couldn't stop thinking about
Michael: you
Me: I'm sure. what turned you off to her? she turn out to be more whiny than anticipated?
Me: sorry, jealous ex thing going on
Michael: no i couldnt stop thinking about you and we talked it over and that i dont like her, I thought i did but i dont and i realized that i still have deep feelings
Michael: for you
Me: who talked what over?
Michael: me and amanda about how i dont have feelings for her
Michael: and how i still love you
Me: oy vey
Me: how the hell did that conversation get started up?
Me: I can imagine it was something like, "hey, jes broke up w me, wanna go at it?" x]
Michael: no
Michael: im being serious
Michael: well i called her jes and she asked if i still have feelings for you and if i was thinking of you and i said yeah, and we talked about it
Me: did you do anything w her?
Michael: i kissed her
Me: of course.
Michael: i didnt feel anything special at all when i kissed ehr
Me: thats too bad, here I was hoping you two would at least be happy together so I wouldnt have spent my day being miserable for no reason
Michael: fuck you
Me: ..I'm completely serious
Me: I was upset, but I was like, well at least they can be happy
Michael: no jes
Michael: I dont want you to be upset Jes
Me: thats a little late
Michael: i want you to be happy with me
Me: thats what I wanted, too. but you have to understand how it makes me feel to know that you had a crush, went off to kiss her, then came back to me when you realized you liked me more. we're not at the same level of this "relationship". I never could like anyone else when I'm w you, nonetheless even consider for a second kissing anyone else thinking there could be a chance of something more.
Me: daphne said.. after you kiss someone else, even when you still like the other person, its gone.
Me: I didnt agree at first.. but now it kinda seems like its true.
Michael: no I listened to you, I was thinking about you the whole whole time, i remembered that you said dont hold back so i didnt. I kissed her, then I thought about it, i didnt feel anything. I kissed her again knowing that I didnt feel anything. then relizing what I did i started crying. Then when i woke up i thought about you and started singing "when you were younger"
Me: you kissed her twice? even claiming the first time you felt nothing? yeh, that makes sense. I cant stop thinking about the chick who recently realized how crazily fallen for me she is, so, I'm just going to kiss this girl who I have a crush on... oh look, nothing! well, let me do it again, because I dont think my (ex)gf will get a good enough kick out of once. -hits head-
Michael: yes
Michael: I wanted to make sure.
Me: you wanted to make sure you felt nothing for her before you decided to head back to me? what, did you figure that I'd be so goddamn depressed without you that, uncaring of the circumstances, I'd let you jump right back into my life?! I cant even comprehend this. you had another crush on a girl, willingly let me break up w you without a fight, hooked up multiple times with your crush, then decided youd come back to me when you realized there was no future with her? I cant believe I'm your goddamn backup even when I'm dating you!
Michael: no jes
Me: great, I'm convinced
Michael: can you wait a second?
Me: waiting.
Michael: No Jessica, I didnt think anything of that sort. And No, jes so dont think i did it because I knew no futre with her. And no you are not my backup i told you that, nothing was going to be created between me and amanda.
Me: then why the fuck did you kiss her? twice?!
Michael: because i had an urge, and didnt hold back, hoping that i wouldnt feel anything, and to make sure i didnt feel anything i kissed her again
Me: you had an urge. great. so, for lack of less cliched ridiculous terms, you broke my heart to fulfill your damn urge to your damn crush? I spent the day bawling and beating myself up while you were off making sure that I was the one you really wanted by sticking your tongue down her throat? and you really expect me to continue on with you? like, really?
Michael: no i dont, but id love that. Because it hurts jes, i feel worthless.
Michael: and i think you told me too if such an urge ariased
Me: yeah, because I wanted to see how much I meant to you. I wanted to see that, even if such an urge arose, youd hold back because you really loved me. I wanted to see IF such an urge even arose, or you were like me, and felt nothing for anyone else but the other. you think YOU feel worthless? I was thrown aside for a crush and now youre coming back to pick up the trash, and you think YOU feel worthless?!
Michael: Yeah Jes I do I feel like im the scums of the earth, Im sitting here crying with no control over it. I fucked up, and this was the last nail in the coffin. I don't think we'll ever get back together. And I'm horrible crushed because of it. But I just want you to know that I love you. Althought those words mean close to nothing if anything
Me: yeah. youve definitely shown how much you love me recently.
Michael: mhm
Michael: so should I be my optimistic self i like to think theres hope? or should just learn to get over it?
Me: I want nothing more than to be with you. trust me, I do. I just dont know if I can. I've never been this hurt before.. ever, and to think that I'm going to put myself at that risk again
Me: ?
Me: and every time I kiss you, I'm going to think about you kissing amanda
Me: and every time I see amanda, I'm going to want to beat her face in
Michael: i know
Michael: no i dont exsecpt you to. but if there someway you can trust me again, id want us to see if we can make it work. I know were not gonna be together forever, but I love you for know. and thats the only thing i know
Me: you know that now.. but what if another girl comes back, you like her, this whole thing starts over again? I wanted more than anything to invite phillip over and hook up w him, or go over to mark's or travis' and hook up w them, but I couldnt bring myself to do it. in my heart I didnt want to, only my vengence wanted to. but you, not being fulled by vengence or anything, was able to do it so easily
Michael: yes, but im noy happy im misarable
Michael: and how was the little party thing at travis'?
Me: well, seeing as I was absolutely miserable the entire time, not too very fun. how do you know about that? oh whatever, like I care how you know anyways. anyways, whether youre happy or miserable isnt changing anything. fact is, I dont believe you love me -- not when you were able to do that so easily and the only time you were upset and actually cried (or so you say, its doubtful you even cried) is when you realized you had nothing with amanda
Michael: no jes
Michael: dont say that because that is not the truth
Michael: dont you go saying that laod of shit
Me: how is that a load of shit, at all?
Michael: not when you were able to do that so easily and the only time you were upset and actually cried (or so you say, its doubtful you even cried) is when you realized you had nothing with amanda
Me: ..thats what you told me
Me: you said you kissed her and felt norhing, then you cried
Michael: yeah because i relaized what i did, refering to my feelings i still have towards you
Me: but when I broke up w you, you didnt cry. hell, you didnt even fight for me. so obviously you were okay with it until you realized you didnt have someone to replace me with.
Michael: no i did cry after we hung upm and i didnt fight because i that you said not to say anything
Me: even if I said that, if you loved me so much, youd think youd have more to say than "okay"
Michael: I figured your were more serious than anything so i shut up and listened
Me: yeah, and when I finished talking, all you had to say was okay.
Me: you have nothing else to say, do you?

I leave this need of advice to you all, my good NuTangees.

I feel like it's hopeless.

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After everything I've worked to become, I was so very stupid to fall for a guy like that. Love, I guess, is such a strong emotion -- I wasn't even in love with Michael, I think, and yet the fact that I did love him and he was my "first love" was enough for me to completely banish all common sense.

Yesterday, I had slept all day, until 9pm-ish. So, when I finally woke up, by the time everyone went to sleep, I was wide awake. Wide awake and sulking in my misery. I couldn't stand being in my house anymore -- I needed something to get my mind off the fact that while I laid there drying tears off of my blotched cheeks, Amanda was probably curled up in Michael's arms whining that she was cold so he'd hold her closer.

So, not knowing who to turn to, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a jacket, kicked the screen off my window, and climbed onto the outside while telling my sleepy kitten that I'd be back soon. At first I had half a mind to just climb onto my roof and lay down like I used to, but I didn't want to be anywhere near my house, so I took off running to "my spot," which is about a 20 minute or so walk from my house. My spot is actually a broken down corner of a dock where nobody bothers to go anymore, where I just sit on the biggest rock I can find and throw smaller ones out into the water in attempts to make them skid across the surface. I don't think I've ever successfully gotten more than one jump.

Anyways, going there didn't help at all, seeing as all it did was remind me of when Michael and I sat there, me watching him admirably as he so casually made the stones skip across the surface like I always wished I could, as we waited for my dad to go to work so that I could sneak him over.

I didn't have the energy to get up again, though. I had ran all the way there, and the fact that my stomach and head were both killing me and that I had been / was crying didn't help. So I just sat there, singing any song that came to my head (which was, of course, "I'll Stop the World & Melt with You" by The Cure, go figure).

Then, I got the scare of a lifetime, when my friend Mark appeared out of nowhere at my side and began singing along with me. I almost died, and punched the hell out of him when I realized who it was. Apparently he saw me running down our street when he was walking to Travis' and decided to follow. Creepy much? But anyways, we went to Travis' house, where there was a small party-type thing going on. Not really a party, just a couple of kids hanging at his house 'cause his mom was staying the night at her boyfriend's house.

It was probably immensely stupid of me -- hell, I know it was immensely stupid of me -- but I hit, took, and drank anything and everything that was pushed my way. I ended up passing out, and woke up (due to Zach's cell ringing) around 6 in the morning, where I found myself half on top of Mark, partially covered by like 3 jackets, and swallowing a mouthful of Roger's hair.

Anyways, I pushed my way through the unconscious dog pile, found my jacket, and made it back to my house before my dad woke up. When I got home, all I remembered was calling Phillip at like 4am and asking him where he was. Then I curled up on my bed under my "fruity blankets," as Phillip would call them, and passed out for a good part of today. I remember most of the night now, but with it came the memory of Michael.

But, you know, fretting about him isn't doing me any good. I haven't eaten anything -- well, foodwise -- for a couple days because of the fact I've been sleeping most of the time, and if it's at all possible, I lost more weight. I can only tell because my friend pointed out that my hips were sticking out noticably more than before, which I just laughed at.

Honestly I think that I'm overreacting more to this whole Michael thing because, well, I naturally overreact about pretty much everything, and also a couple things happened recently that have rendered me pretty emotionally unstable enough as is. One night I called Michael practically in tears, but it went straight to voicemail. So I'm glad he didn't answer, it would have been that much worse if I poured my heart out to him then broke up with him a couple days later.

I'm not going to be stingy and immature about this, though. I hope he's a helluva lot happier with Amanda than he was with me, I really do. And he probably will be, which at least makes the situation that much better. I have friends, like Danny, who have been nothing but supportive entirely, and I love them for that. So I'll get over him, and that'll be that.

I guess it was a good run, hah. I know not to go so willingly into deception next time. But unlike Michael I don't have a new crush already, and I'm definitely not looking for one. I think I'll just have fun for a while, I don't need to deal with boyfriend bullshit on top of everything else right now.

As for school, Michael will still be my motivation to get through the day. He won't be my motivation to get through each individual class anymore, but he'll definitely still be my motivation to get through school -- so I can go home and not see him be all over his crush. Good, eh?

But I do hope he's happy, I really do. After everything is said and done, I do still love him, and he does deserve to be happy at the least.

Once I get ungrounded, I'm going to be going to the mall with Danny a lot more. We've already got rides home and the likes figured out. And if that doesn't work out, I can always sleep over at Danny's, because this time Michael won't come and his jaw won't get broken, and I won't end up spending my entire weekend in a hospital on little to no sleep or food for someone who, in the end, was bound to reduce me to pathetic tears anyways.

Like Danny said, things have to get hard before they can get easy. I'm not the kinda chick to let something like this break me, so I'll pull through. I always have, right? Heh. But, you know, I was expecting this -- what else would I expect from a "serious" relationship at age 14? Of course this was going to come. I just honestly wasn't expecting it so soon, but I knew it was going to home.

"I hope we outlast even Andrew & Colleen."

Wishful thinking, eh?

Ha.

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I have my head about me now, so I think I can manage a decent entry to let you know about the "so many problems" I spoke of in my previous entry.

To start off, Michael and I have been fighting an ungodly amount lately. Even after asking him naught but one thing, to hide nothing from me, he continuously proved himself unworthy of the amount of trust I was giving him. Not only did I catch him in lies, but on multiple occasions I caught him hiding certain aspects of things from me. He would tell me a quarter of the story, and I would've already known the whole story from another source, so I just had to sit there listening to him bullshit me countlessly.

Finally, when I found out that two other people knew about something that I had said to only Michael, I got enough. I snapped like a twig, exploded at him, telling him to fuck off and he was an immature little boy who couldn't own up to his own lies. That's not the half of what I said to him, actually -- but that's a portion of it. He fought back, claiming he didn't lie, which was a bit difficult for me to believe seeing as he's the ONLY person I told and yet two other people miraculously knew.

A lot of shit happened, and in the end, we decided we should go on a break. That was bad enough, but then I found out that he likes another girl and he thinks she likes him back, too. On top of that, they're going to a all-night party where they will be fucked up out of their minds -- I wonder what's going to happen. In light of all this, and the fact that I didn't feel like sitting around waiting for him to fuck around with his crush until he gets bored of her and decides to come back to me -- I broke up with him.

I admit that recently, I had been thinking that maybe things would be better if we broke up, because I just hadn't been feeling the same towards him. I thought maybe -- maybe -- I didn't love him as much anymore, it just didn't feel the same. But last night, before I found out that he liked another girl, he was telling me he doubted he could love another girl (as in a high school fling) as much as he loved me, and such things. Finally, I was like, why are we even doing this? I was talking about how much I love that we talk on the phone every night until I'm too tired to even open my mouth and form words, I love that the perks of my school day are that I get to see him for two minutes between every class, and that was also what kept me sane through every class. I told him that I would hate not being able to do these things, so why are we doing this? And as I said those things to him, I said them also to myself, and I realized then how much I had loved him all along... I was merely trying to hide it from myself, to protect myself, I guess.

In all honesty, I was expecting him to say something cliched romantic back, and we would throw aside the break because we would realize how much we meant to each other, and all would be well. But no -- instead, he merely reminded me that we needed the space to avoid fighting more, and having the chance to go out there and have the option of getting anything (or anyone) you want, then going back to each other would "renew" our love.

Fuck the what? I'm not looking for true love. I'm not. Why the fuck is so much damn work and frustration going into a high school fling?

Okay, here's the kicker: I called him a last time to thank him for the six great months (I tried not to choke on my words, I did) and to apologize for putting him through everything for what is now no reason. What I ended up finding out is this: he had full intentions of enjoying the party and his life for however long he needed, then coming back to fight for me later. Uh, excuse me? If I wanted to sit around and wait for you as you went ahead and fulfilled your every crush, I would've just agreed to the break! Fuckin' dolt. So I said to him, "This is it, you're not fighting for me later. Say what you want to say now," (or something of that relative nature), and that's when he took the liberty to say he didn't want to break up.

Great fuckin' job, ace. Makes me feel really goddamn important. So, I cried until I fell asleep last night and I have been crying on and off all day today. I took twice as much Nyquil as is recommended by the label and it knocked me out until 9-something PM, when I woke up and proceeded to just sit on my bed and listen to Mocha purr in my ear while I scratched her oversized ears until now, when I decided to get up and fill you all in.

Anyways, my sister walked in on me earlier when I was crying, and my trying to play it off like I was fine didn't work so much. So I eventually told her I broke up with Michael, and she told me he was a tool and all of this, and she asked me why I even bothered when he bounced around girls so casually. I don't know, I thought he was different -- my weak argument.

Either way, he's spending the night with Amanda (his crush) now. I guess my realization of how much I loved him came too little too late, heh. Anyways, I hope he's happier with her.

Danny's been helping me a lot. He gives amazing advice, and he really knows how to clear my mind when I get confused and frustrated. He keeps telling me, it's always got to get hard before it can get easy. To which I'd say, I don't think things are getting any easier with Michael... and he'd remind me, staying with Michael isn't the only way -- maybe it'd be easier without him. No matter how it ends up, it'll be easier.

I'm glad to have someone with me through this, at least. Not even Daphne could be there for me this time -- she was too upset about her haircut, which was apparently cut too short. I'm not as alone as I thought I was. I should've known it would be Danny to pull through for me -- he always has. Man, I love that kid.

"When You Were Young" by The Killers just came on my playlist, which, of course, made me break out crying. If you've never heard it, you can read the lyrics here. It's even worse because it's a song I used to listen to / sing with Michael, and a lot of it actually applies to us -- I just don't feel like explaining. And now, the part of it that says, "You sit there in your heartache.." applies to me, too. Hah.

But, you know, shit happens. I guess you just have to move on.

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Problems with Michael. So many. I'm not going to go there right now, maybe later. But I will tell you, we're on a "break." And even Danny tells me, "You probably already know this, but don't be surprised if you lose him." I do know it. Especially since the one time I ask him to put me first, I have to pretend I was kidding, because I don't want to feel like an idiot asking and having him sit there and mumble excuses that we both know are bullshit. We all know an all-night party with drugs and alcohol comes first. Insert exaggerated sigh here.

So, because we're on a break, I'm not going to be calling him for a while. This means I officially have nobody to turn to, with Daphne forbidden to speak to me and Michael not wanting to speak to me. The only two people I confided in, really. This brings being grounded into a whole new perspective, heh.

God, I want to go back to last year so badly. Nothing this year is worth this. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Anyways, I helped my sister out of trouble today... so at least she owes me now. I should get that written down, knowing her she'll "forget" then threaten to tell my dad I snuck Phillip over if I bring it up again.

Who knows. Short, but I'm tired.

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