At Dilated's request, I am updating. Well, I was planning on updating since it stumbled across my thoughts while mindlessly taking notes in AP Human Geography, but saying it was by Dilated's request makes me seem like much less of a lifeless daydreamer. Which, in the end, was rather pointless because instead I just pointed out what a lifeless daydreamer I am, which, I'm pretty sure, a lot of you wouldn't have thought if I hadn't pointed it out. Now that I have, I bet you're all thinking, wow, she actually typed all this out -- what a lifeless daydreamer. But! you're reading it, are you not? So maybe you're not as much of a daydreamer, but you're apparently rather lifeless as well.

Anyways, I haven't updated because I have nothing to update about. Same shit different day. I don't know why, but today was a pretty good day. School just seemed better. I seemed better, too. Perhaps it was because I actually knew what I was doing in math and I think I actually did good on a test (nevermind that 9 of the answers were Stephanie's), or perhaps it was due to the fact that while in Bio, someone started laughing, to which my teacher screamed, "DON'T MAKE THAT NOISE!", which I found quite amusing and reassuring that I'm not the most miserable thing on the planet, because I still do enjoy the sound of laughter.

I also found that I'm being more social. I think now that I've come to the conclusion that relying on people always ends up backfiring (all my life this has happened -- don't assume I'm just a negative nightcreature for no reason), I've spaced myself from the people I was previously close to and in the same action became closer to the people I wasn't all that close to before, if you're following. I can much more easily hold interesting conversations with people I don't have much of anything interesting to talk about with now. Why my not being close to my close friends has anything to do with this? I honestly can't say. Maybe it's that, the things I used to talk about with my close friends aren't being taked about anymore, so I talk to them with my not-so-close friends? Or something.

I've been acting like a typical teenager the past week or so, and it's honestly very annoying. I've been whining a lot, and having boy problems (choke me), and overexaggerating things to ungodly proportions. In all terms, I haven't been feeling much like myself. I don't know why, but I just feel better now... and not just like my old self, but better, because I spent some time thinking about everything that's turned me into what I am (and note that I say "what" I am, not "who" I am), and I'm not here to impress anyone and work to keep anyone's attention. And it's better like this, because if at the end of the day I'm entirely alone (which entirely I'm not, I'm just saying), that's because of the choices I've made and what I've become, you know? Yeah.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about what I don't like about myself, and I'm working on these things. I'm not going to go on about how there's nobody else like me, or how I don't fit any molds, because I probably fit tons of molds, but all these molds are who I am, and they may be people like me, but no matter how like me they are, they never will be me. So I need to look out for me, because I don't have anyone else doing that for me. Everyone I thought was looking out for me has ended up being the one that hurt me, so it's better that I look out for myself. Right?

I don't know... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I still have time to fuck up before I really have to get serious. I have to realize this, and not keep life too high up on the pedestal before it's too late to take it down. High school is relatively serious, sure, but it's not college, and college isn't the "real world."

I'm acting like I'm this crazy serious chick all the time, but I'm really not. I probably joke around more than most people, and I actually can't handle serious situations that well at all... but a lot of it is an act, people just never realize it.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Yeah.

This also means that this can be a whole new level of bitchiness and control over guys...

"It's okay you kissed her. Honestly, I forgive you. Let's have hot make-up sex."
"Okay!"
-Sliceripdestroy-

I'm disturbed... yet oddly amused. If my guy pisses me off, I won't get mad; I'll invite him over, get his pants off, and...

Oh the possibilities.

Comment! (5) | Recommend!

Well, I did make Amanda cry this morning. Only, it was a lot easier than expected. She came up to me, and I said, "Can I help you? Or are you looking for another of my boyfriends to makeout with? Because I don't have any right now, but I'll call you when I do." I could've gone a lot farther, but she just broke out crying at that. I didn't get to tell her off, which was kind of upsetting, but at least I successfully made her cry. Then I just left. I was in such a good mood during IS. Hah.

Here's the fun part though: I'm sitting in IS, and I get called up to the office. I'm thinking, what now? It's been 3 days -- leave it alone already. So I get to the office and some old lady tells me someone is meeting with Mr. Wolfer right now, please wait (I was like, well if he's meeting with someone why the fuck didn't you call me up when he got out? But either way I'd rather sit in the office than IS). Fine. I sat down next to a water fountain, and Amanda walks right in front of me and doesn't bother to acknowledge me sitting there. By that time I was pretty sure why I was called into the office. Then Mr. Wolfer's door open and who walks out but Phillip, so I definitely knew what was going on by then.

So I walk in, and Mr. Wolfer is going on about some problem being started. And I go, "Want to hear the real story?" So I tell him. "Over spring break Amanda madeout with my boyfriend of 6 months. This morning she approached me and I said -insert verbal bitchslap-, she started crying, so I walked away." He tried to hide it, but I actually caught him stifling a laugh, which made me grin inwardly. Then he goes, "Is there going to be a fight...?" And I give him the you've-got-to-be-kidding-me look, and I pull apart my jacket and I'm like, "Does it really look like I would fight anyone?" Me in all my 5'4" 85-pound glory.

Anyways, to the point, Amanda tried to get me suspended but she failed. Then she told 3 different stories all of which incriminated other people so it didn't seem like she went crying to the office, which was total obvious bullshit but not something I'm about to start drama over.

So, Amanda left a note in my locker because she's too much of a pansy to come up to my face, and she said some of the most hilarious things. I think my favorite was, "This is all a big misunderstanding." I wrote her a note back, mainly because if it's all right there she can't twist the story to her benefit and lie about what I actually said, and also because if she tries to get me suspended they'll be all, "Wtf there's nothing wrong with this note you dumb bitch. Go back to class, god knows you need it." So in the note back I wrote, "As for this being a misunderstanding... uh, what, did you trip and fall into his mouth? Twice?"

The best part is, she didn't even try to apologize. She tried to blame the entire thing on mainly Michael and partially Phillip. But I also learned that Michael played it off like he was actually upset about me and him breaking up, which I find humorous, because when I did it all he said was, "Okay," and he had full intentions of getting me back later. Man, she fell for his tricks. Been there, done that. So she was all, "It only happened because we were emotional and hurt." Oh yeah, right. Maybe she was, but Michael definitely wasn't. That's rich.

Also, in the note, she was all, "He called me Jes for god's sake!" And I'm like, well yeah, I sure as hell hope I was on his mind after he cheated on me. That doesn't prove he loves me, at all.

Not all was Amanda's fault though. She wrote how she found out Michael and I broke up the day before they kissed, when I actually broke up with him that very same day, so apparently just going to a party isn't all he was planning. What scum.

Why, why, why, why, why do I still love him? Everyone is telling me to forget about him. Not a single person said he might be worth the second chance. And yet I can't bring myself to make that final decision. I think what I might do is wait until this all dies down, then once that happens, assess my feelings and figure out what I want to do without the drama and pressure and such.

Anyways, let me talk about something besides Michael for a change. Today was my last day of IS, thankfully, and yet the packets I had to do today were made for second graders.

One of them was talking about bullying, and at the end of one paragraph it goes, "When you're angry, you're not happy!" It took a lot of self control to resist hitting my head on my desk in attempts to go into repression about that. Then it was talking about this kid, Bert, who gets picked on a lot for being fat. So the story is describing how fat he is and it goes, "You don't want Bert to fall on you!" I took the liberty to write next to it, "...I don't want ANYONE to fall on me...!"

I also found my amusement by mocking the questions. For example, "Why did Bert push people?"
"Because he was a republican."

"What can cause someone to push people?"
"Child abuse as an infant."

I really hope they don't read the questions. I doubt they do though.

Anyways, Kira is SUPER pissed at Michael and she'd never even met him. But she can't stand ANYONE hurting me, at all, so he's in for a hell of a ride. I'm excited. But I must admit, she has good ideas. For example:

Kira: I'm a cruel gf
Kira: xD
Me: so am I
Me: was*
Kira: =[
Kira: Now you can be malicious cruel to him
Kira: rip him to shreds and have no remorse
Me: yes!

So, it's thunderstorming outside my window right now. I'm going to leave you at that.

UPDATE.
It's also pissing me off how everyone is feeling bad for her when she's the one who did the cheating. I cried for like 48 hours, and now I feel like I have nothing and can rely on nobody, she cries for one minute in school and now even Michael is continuously standing up for her even though she's trying to blame this whole thing on him. I'm sorry I'm not such a pansy to cry in front of everyone, but come the fuck on, she doesn't deserve to be treated like this! Especially since she's too immature to take the damn blame, she has to point fingers like we're all stupid enough to look where she's pointing. And some of us are, which is the sad part.

I don't like people. It's true.

Comment! (5) | Recommend!

On top of everything, I am not anticipating school tomorrow. Mainly because I still have Internal Suspension and am going to be spending the entire day writing until my hand is literally no longer able to move -- and then I'm going to write some more. Pretty lame. But at least it's my last day, so I'll survive.

I'm also not anticipating how I react when I see Michael and/or Amanda. Well, no -- I know how I'll react when I see Amanda. If we're on campus, I'm going to barrage her with very hurtful (but truthful) insults and point out that she took the liberty of calling me a filthy slut when I just TALKED to her ex-boyfriend online knowing full and well that it was completely over between them (doesn't even matter if it was or wasn't we were just talking like normal human beings, not like we were in a goddamn porno -- what, he's not allowed to have friends now?), whereas she went and madeout with my boyfriend knowing full and well that I still loved him. I'm sorry, who was the filthy slut again? Oh, on top of that, she's STILL trying to get back with her ex, Phillip. And if we're off campus, I'm going to do all that... then punch her. Hah.

But it is partially Michael's fault, seeing as he told her we broke up before he kissed her and he "still had feelings for me" after he kissed her. You know, the more I think about it, the more it seems like he was putting me on the topshelf so he could play with his new doll for a little before he took me down again. I know that he didn't kiss her just out of the desire to make sure he felt nothing for her -- he can say that all he wants, and I'll believe that it is part of the reason, but I also believe a lot of it was out of the desire to fool around with her. I wish he'd just admit it.

You know, I wouldn't feel as bad about this if it wasn't Amanda I lost Michael to. I've always prided myself in my lack of typical-girly attributes when it comes to relationships. I don't easily get jealous at all, my guy can flirt with and hang out with whoever he wants, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. I just tell him one thing: if you cheat on me, make it worth it. Because honestly, if my guy wants to be with someone else, I'd rather him not be with me; and if he wants to be with me, he won't cheat on me. Also, I don't like being put first (ex, if my guy has plans with his friends and I call up asking to hang, I won't let him cancel on his friends. Maybe I'll ask him if I could come along or if he'd like to bring his friends too, but I won't let him entirely cancel), and I hate being controlling and telling him what he can or cannot do.

Anyways -- Amanda is the exact opposite. Phillip didn't skip a martial arts class to hang out with her one day, and he was talking to me online (once again, normal human being talk) before he had to go, and she flipped out and broke up with him. Of course, now she wants him back, but he was so sick of her insecure jealousy that he was glad she broke up with him anyways. In pretty much every single way, she's the definition of a typical girl. She's very needy and very whiny, not to mention she thinks she's god's gift to punk rock. She's one of those girls who listens to "Death Cab for Cutie" and wears spikes thinking she's so totally hardcore punk. Honestly, she's not that pretty, her hair looks like it hasn't been washed in ages, and, my personal favorite, she's got the boobs of an old lady. Seriously, they're practically on her stomach. And yet, even after all that, I lost Michael to her. You could imagine that makes me feel like the worst living thing, ever.

Anyways, my sister took the liberty of telling my dad that I broke up with Michael because he asked he what was wrong with me when he came home in the middle of the afternoon and I was passed out. Now he's trying to get me to "talk to him" and all this equally creepy shit... but at least he's laid off telling me I'm a horrible person for a while. So as a part of trying to "cheer me up," I guess, he came home and threw a six pack of Dr. Pepper and a half-eaten Subway sub at me. I must admit, not the best way to try to cheer me up... because now I definitely have a bruise on the left side of my face.

Man, I really want to get ungrounded. I just want to hang out with Danny. He's the only person (well, guy) I feel like would never hurt me, no matter what. I mean, I know he cheated on his last girlfriend, but I also know why he did, and I know I would never act like that and I would never drive him to cheat on me. I never really saw it before, but he's always the one to make me feel better. I don't know how I would've handled this situation without him.

This was without a doubt the worst spring break ever. But, you know, life goes on. Shit happens. So, I'm just going to keep going and see how things turn out.

"It has to get harder before it can get easier."

Comment! (6) | Recommend!