i can tell when people are being fake to me. at times i expect it, but other times i don't. when i'm not expecting it and it happens, it's like a stab to the heart as if it's slowly killing me.

i hate trusting people only so they can pull shit on me that i don't even deserve. it's not fair.

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what i neeed to do is stop being so damn self concious.
then i wouldn't be sad about the things that i don't have.
and i wouldn't feel like i'm inadequate or not good enough for somebody.
i just don't want to be the girl a guy thinks is cute but doesn't have personality.
i know a couple guys like that and quite frankly, you don't want anyone to think that about you.

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i need to find a job that will allow me to have piercings. that would ease my soul. removing one of my piercings [esp lip] would be the end of the world to me. not really but yeah, i would rather have it in then not at all.

tomorrow night is rosarito..excited but at the same time not. i'm not going to expect anything just go with the flow and have fun with the girls and random people that are there too...!


so i went to the doctor yesterday to check up on the CT scan and it's appartent that i have to get surgery for my sinus...=/ i'm not scared of the surgery because it's not really a major one. it's only gonna take like 2 hours to operate and it's not like they're going to cut me open or anything. if anything getting my wisdom teeth extracted was worse. hehe...i'm actually looking forward to my surgery just because i like the feeling after waking up...it's kinda like, wtf just happened? it makes me laugh...i guess that's just a high.

school has been alright...done with the first week. i find that summer is going extremely fast now. mostly school has been occupying me. arghh right after summer school i'll be in oxnard. that's a bummer. my dad won't let me go back til the day right right before school starts. damn... i'll be missing out on a few things back in riverside. but hopefully jan ham and rinashab will be back in oxnard so i have people to hang out with... my bro too...hopefully. that woujld be awesomely great. great. great.

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the past week has been fun.
finished off the first session of summer school. 9 units down, 8 more to go.
on wednesday i went to the OC fair with jan and sab.
it was fun cuz we ate a lot of deep fried crazy ness.
and rode some rides that weren't even scary but we were freaked out by them.
on thursday, the roomies and i hung out at my lil bros place for a lil while...
that was fun..
thursday and friday i was in a "P.U" [parallel universe]. it was scary. well not really. i just didn't know waht to do in my situation, but now something else came up so that doesn't matter any more.
saturday...was spent bumming it but it resulted in lotsa smiles cuz one of my pbros might come to rosarito....=)! i'm glappy he asked if he could come...because i didn't think that we would hang out anymore..! yay. hopefully he comes.

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the heart just gets sad sometimes.

one year ago....one year ago.
it was beautiful.

funny how something so beautiful can turn out ugly.
funny how everything i think beautiful becomes ugly.

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lately i've been feeling useless. i thought this summer was going to be the shit but turns out that it's worse than any summers that i have had before. everyone has their own thing going on that we just don't have time to hang out anymore. i don't have a job so i'm always waitn around for someone to say hey let's do something. i'm graduating college soon and i don't have anything going for me in order to find a job. just sorority stuff and that's about it. i'm hopeful that i'll find a good job when i graduate but it seems unlikely.

hopefully all goes well....

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