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Finances Suck
Wednesday. 1.31.07 11:59 am
So I get my paycheck today...and it is already gone. Just because I was sick. IT sucks.

Since I have needed so much time off for the doctors visits, days off etc. I at a negative with my hours. I was -27 hours at the end of the year...plus these days that I had the flu. SO since I am salary...they are taking those hours out of my paycheck...luckily they didn't take them all at once. But they are taking 10 hours a paycheck...which with 2 paycheck that equals 300 a month for me. I was already tight on finances. But I totally understand it needs to be done. I don't have any money right now and I got paid this morning. HAHAHAHA. I don't even have gas money to fill my tank to drive to work next week.

OH well I will get through it somehow. I always do! Looks like I will be starving and conserving gas till about April. But hey it isn't like I had a social life anyways.

Isn't it funny when you are faced with problems you somehow make it through them even though darkness is the cloud around you at the moment it begins.

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just a random tuesday
Tuesday. 1.30.07 11:09 pm
Nothing special happened today. Just a random Tuesday in which I work all day and now I am sleepy!

I did put a personals ad on yahoo. Kind of makes me think I am pathetic...not saying that if you have done it that you are pathetic. I have been single for years now...and there is no hope in my future...at least right now. I attract stupid people, annoying people and people in general that I can not stand. How does this happen? For example if you are obsessed with any thing...particularly Star Wars or Superman...we probably will not get along. Not that I don't like those movies...but if you think you are a Jedi or another reincarnation of superman please don't waste your time. Maybe I am too picky...which is a definite possibility. But hey I have been through a lot of crap that has shaped what I want and don't want in a partner. SO THE SEARCH BEGINS AGAIN! I am actually looking forward to it! Only happy thoughts!

Plus I was reading my best friends entries...I swear to find out what is going on in her life I have to read it on here. I am a bit jealous of that. I mean I know that she just doesn't want ot bug me...but it makes me feel like crap that I can't help her out...if she needs it. I mean we are best friends??? Well that is my rant of the day

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UGH the FLU!
Wednesday. 1.24.07 10:22 pm
So I have been fighting it for weeks. This girl at work had it and she was coughing all over everything and she looked like shit. Poor thing! Now I have it...and thank god I am almost over it. The viral meds they gave me knocked my butt out! I was out cold Monday and Tuesday. I slept pretty much all of those days. Today I woke up and again I felt like shit...but as this evening rolls on I am starting to feel better. Good thing cause I need to get back to work. I hope that I did not lose my job while being gone and I hope that I don't get yelled at.

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stressed out!
Sunday. 1.21.07 10:57 pm
I don't know if I am stressed out or what.

For those that don't know...I have been feeling really tired, exhausted even. My muscles hurt, I can't concentrate. Plus so much more. Anyways I went to the doctor and I am anemic, so I am on meds for that. But I am still exhausted...and from doing nothing. It is soooo frustrating. I feel like I have let everyone in my life down. My friends, my family...and my job. I feel like I am useless at this moment. I want to go and see people, hang out with them. But after I work all day all I want to do is just drop when I get home. I know this is not normal. It is not normal at all. I have to wait two months for these meds to raise my red blood cell count, then my doctor will continue to test me for a bunch of things...like depression or even MS. I am scared. First off I don't think I am depressed...but lately I am down because I have felt like this for almost 3 months now. It sucks.

I have lost a lot of friends lately too. A couple, including Phyllis, I have no idea why...they just stop talking to me. I guess it is because I haven't been around or available. But then again I worry about Phyllis cause she may be sick and just not want to tell me. So I sit here and wonder. Not having her to talk to has really made me a mess. But I am slowly getting through it.

I did make sure I was there for Kristina. I wouldn't have missed that for the world. She is one of the most important people in my life. And now she has the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. I thought that my miscarriage would have effected me in some way...and it did for a second. Now I just feel guilty about thinking about it.

I just feel crappy at this moment and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like shit, I am lonely and I am tired. HOW pathetic is that? But the good thing is that for the most part I haven't lost my spirit and I am hopeful that everything will get better for me. I mean I feel guilty enough voicing my problems when they are sooo minute. But then again my "friends" aren't around for me to talk to. I get through each day because I have the strength to continue.

Then there is my career. I actually like my job...I am just having difficulties in grasping commercial design. See before I left school and for every moment up till now I have been doing residential stuff. So I decided to take the BIG step and try something new. It has been frustrating...but that may be the exhaustion. who knows. I want my own business...but I don't have the know how or finances to make that successful...plus I don't have a support system. I want to go back to model homes, but I really don't like the companies here...so I would have to move. Which might not be a bad thing. But where I want to move (MONTANA) there are not any design jobs. If you know of any in western Montana let me know! But there are some openings in Seattle...Krissy would kill me.

Anyways...I think I have rambled long enough. As you can see a lot of stuff is up in the air...and I am trying to figure out how to juggle. Anyone got any tips on how to juggle? null

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Just rambling...
Thursday. 10.12.06 11:29 pm
SO today was pretty mundane. I went to work, like always, stopped by Kristina's and then I came home. My boy kitty, Zoey got outside and he was howling when I finally found him underneath a tree. I was so scared.

So I watched Grey's Anatomy...I LOVE THAT SHOW!!!!! But this show always get me to thinking. Whether it be about my personal relationship, my career my friends,,...whatever it may be. Tonight is about how much my friends mean to me...so I wrote this.

********How I define a friend?

A friend is a with you through the bad times, especially the really bad ones. A friend is a person who isn’t afraid to ask for you help and actually accept it. A friend is a person who you think about daily and someone you can’t imagine your life without. A friend is a person who knows when you are about to cry and hugs you before you do. A friend is someone you can laugh till your stomach hurts with. A friend is a person who you can depend on without even asking. A friend is a person who is someone that makes you feel so loved that your heart can’t get by without you. A friend is a person ho you can’t wait to tell your good news so that you have encouragement. A friend is a person who is someone that will never EVER give up on you, no matter what. A friend is a person who is filled with worry over you…whether it is needed or not. A friend is a person who is never afraid to laugh with you when you have done something stupid. A friend is someone who is spectacular! You love them deep down inside your heart. A friend is someone who helps you when you are hurt or sad, or even if you're happy. A friend is someone who is kind to you and knows how you feel when you are scared.

This is what is in my heart. And I consider you to be one of my best friends…Just want to let you know how much I love you and care about you. I think of you everyday.******

I wrote that for my best friend Kristina. She is utterly amazing. I wish I had her strength and her enthusiasm for life. I admire her for the person she is.

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