Over this past weekend, approx. since Friday, I haven't bothered to go running. I was beginning to feel it. Legs woke me up in bad cramps this morning and I knew it was back to the track.

This was, for lack of a better term, the closing weekend to my 30th birthday celebration, that didn't end up as big as I had hoped, but was the most unforgettable nonetheless. The months leading up to it brought so many changes that I think this year is going to forever burn itself in my memory as the "year of changes", not saying it's a bad thing.

I will say this though, I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life, I have so much going on for me in my career that I can hardly keep up, yeah, I may be still single, but I'm at the point where I don't need that as an excuse to feel loved anymore. I feel loved all the time. And I'm at peace with myself now.

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It's really strange to note that when you start implimenting great ideas into your life, life tosses in challenges to see if you really are as dedicated to the cause as you thought. For instance when I started my diet and exercise routine I started getting catering jobs where they were serving carbs. Lots and lots of carbs. I felt like breaking, but I stuck to my plan. And when I started doing my running at the local track and field, I was getting harassed by the local soccor players that played there every day. I would just turn up the volume of my MD player and keep going. Then when I started realizing that all the anger and feelings and everything else that happens in this world is just an event and how it affects me is based on how my ego, fear, and associations with my past precieves is, things blow way out of proportion between people I know, who put me in the middle, and then both of them get angry at me for not picking sides or pointing out what went wrong in the situation. Now I have one person that's hurt that I didn't defend them to the teeth and nother that is refusing to talk to me. *sigh* They weren't kidding when they said "all new habits being incorporated into your life will be challenged and how you respond will show you how dedicated you are to making it work". Did monks and saints have to go through all of this??? Ok, so in history there have been saints that have been stoned to death. And there have been monks put to death for their bliefs, and neither of the two feared death for they knew the truth. "Energy can neither be created or destroyed, only changed". I am not in that mindset to go through that transformation at the present time. However now that I am being put through this challenge and actually feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of is, does it mean that the friends that I lose out of this aren't healthy for me, and therefore I should be ok with the loss? Bc in truth, since I can't make their mind up for them, and I'm not willing to alter my personal integrity to appease them, does this mean that my relationships with people are going to be subject to this? That if we have a difference of opinion and rather than be willing to say stoop to their level, I hold my ground, and if they feel it's a betrayl of their friendship, there will be a parting of ways? Well, I know that in time, relationships change, and if people are not pairing up in the same way they were before, that it isn't the right or wrong of anyone's actions, but just the point that ppl are growing in different directions, like a branch on a tree. Maybe I will lose a few branches over this, but no tree will uproot itself just to catch a fallen branch.

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A lot has changed recently that I can't explain away. It's not a bad thing, just something that's not been expected. This morning I tried something different. I worked on focusing how I wanted the day to be. Then after I got a huge revelation after finishing the book I was reading, I walked to St. Patrick's cathedral (located not too far from my temp agency) and since I didn't have a booking, stopped by in there. I went all the way back to the cathedral where there is a statue for the mother of the catheral and I sat down in one of the pews. I prayed and thanked the higher power for my revelation. I have to admit the thank you I sent was so powerful, I started crying. Then something really strange happened. I felt my clutched hands vibrating. Not shaking, but vibrating with electricity. I can still feel some of the tingling feeling in my hands now as I type this up, and it's been over three hours now! I don't know how else to explain it, but it just is. What was the revelation? Outside of the fact that when it comes to others loving us, and when we feel love, the truth of the matter is all the love we ever feel in our lives is our love that we give ourselves permission to feel at the time. Nobody injects love into us and even if we are around the most loving people on earth, if you don't have love for yourself, you will not feel the love they're sending at all. So in truth, it's actually kinda rediculous for people to go out searching for their true love, when it's actually their true love looking at them in the mirror. We don't need anyone's permission to feel love, only our own. So that whole feeling of emptiness because no one is loving us is only supplied by ourselves and can be filled by ourselves. This whole revelation answered the age old delema I could not understand which was "if you can't love yourself, you can't love anybody else". There was something magical in finding this out, outside of the shockwave of personal ground breaking information I found out, that confirmed a long standing feeling of mine, but was confirmed by physicists, namely quantum physicists. The theory that we are all connected, when in truth, it is fact. One thing that someone does leads into a chain reaction that affects even those we might never meet face to face in our lifetimes. And from the time we are born, we are connected to everyone and everything on this planet, and when these points meet, it's called entanglement. Nothing in this universe is seperate, which means you are already connected to everything you want and need. It is only your mind that limits you, because human intention can alter the actions of these quarks (sub atomic particles). Since we are all made up of these particles, this also means that if focused enough, we can change not only the actions that we take, but even the universe around us, since we are already interconnected as is. There was also something else, but I think I'll share that at another time.

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Below is a true story... regardless of how weird it sounds.

Last year in the beginning of August I prayed to God to get me a date for my birthday. And God delivered. I met someone online who I have to say gave me thus far one of the best dates of my life. It's just a pity that whatever relationship developed went sour rather quickly due to his deceit and my lack of wanting to be an ignorant participant.

Then this year, in about January I asked God to get me someone else for me, but before my birthday. I asked for March, but that didn't happen. April, May, June, July, all came with no results. So now it's August, and yesterday being the fact that I was already in the city, I went to one of my favorite karaoke spots. At this point it's four days til my birthday and God had yet to deliver, but that wasn't on my mind at all. The only thing in my head was my birthday is in 4 days and I turn 30. Let's just have some fun. So I take a seat at the bar. I'm sitting between two guys and thus far speak to neither of them. I put my requests in and ordered dinner, on the occasion singing along with whatever song was chosen that I know.

Not too long after, an old friend of mine, Matt, from another karaoke location shows up and he takes a seat to my right. We're now chatting having a great time, and the guy at my left starts talking to the both of us. I can't remember his name. Now all three of us are chatting, and on occasion, the guy that was initially to my right, Aaron is now talking to my friend. This goes on for a while until my request comes up, and I sing. After I finished my song, I was complimented by all three men. Now I get into a conversation with Aaron about music, and Matt is having a conversation with the guy to my left (can't remember his name). I think the second that guy found out Matt was gay, he zeroed in on Matt. He annoyed Matt so much that Matt decided to leave. I ended up staying talking to Aaron, who at this point he and I were getting into some decent conversation about turning 30 (which he was going to do a month after myself).

He started taking his fingers and rubbed them against my hand, and then not too long after, he took my hand. I didn't mind, since I thought he was cute. He asked if we could hang out a little after karaoke was over. I said "ok", and so when everything was done, he took me on a little walk and in a secluded street, he kissed me. Ok, I wasn't expecting this. By this time it was 2AM and he invited me back to his place. I knew where this was going and told him I couldn't, that I had things I had to do. He was ok about it, but kept kissing me.

He eventually walked me to the train station, to my platform and I gave him my card. I figured if he seriously wanted me, he'd call. Otherwise I'm just going to do what I planned on doing in the first place and be done with it.

But I've got a feeling I'm going to be getting a call from him in the near future...

God does provide... sometimes in the most unexpected ways.

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In 4 days, on August 30th, I turn 30. I don't know how I feel about it.

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I am going through another challenge...

The event: I was just told the temp assignment I'm currently @ is over. Today is my last day and I'm going to have to go on standby again.

What I'm feeling: Sad that it's ending. Fear because it means I don't know from one day to the next if I'm going to be making the kind of money I need to to cover rent, if I get anything @ all.

What I'm thinking: This gives me an opportunity to be available for better paying jobs. And I'm already booked up for Sept. 1st and 5th, and they pay $1 more per hour.

What else am I sensing: After I got the email from universal music saying that they're making a decision on who they're hiring, and the fact that I wasn't given the opportunity to meet with the management, like I was requested the first day, I feel strange. I don't think this is the end of that situation, and to be honest, I really strongly feel that I will be called back for a meeting and I will be hired there.

So what now: Do what I was doing before; hustle. In the meantime maybe this is a good time for me to finally ebay all that stuff I had intented to sell out of the house. Maybe this is also giving me the opportunity to take the day off for my birthday (next wednesday- I turn 30). You know, it might not be as bad as I thought. At least I have enough from this payroll and last to pay for rent.

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