Obviously a guy wrote this
If College-Themed Porn Were Real
Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.
Porn
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)
Reality
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven-to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.
Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.
Porn
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)
Reality
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)
Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.
Porn
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (begin doing those things)
Reality
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.
Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.
Porn
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.
Reality
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.
Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.
Porn
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)
Reality
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.
Happy Independence Day!
21:38 Comment! (7) | Recommend! (9) | Categories: jokes [t]
Craaaaaaap I accidentally cleared my Freecell statistics. Now how will anyone believe that I won the game 252 times and lost 170???
And because in the three years here I still have no reason to use this smiley, here it is for no reason:
20:29 Comment! (6) | Recommend! | Categories: pissed [t]
I remember watching this in the theatre. Not bad for teen-movie fare, and definitely not a bad disc for $3.50. (Plus, it's got the trailer[s] with the "lost" footage of Chase rolling a tire down the hallway that, at the time, no one except myself and my friend remembered from the TV commercials!) It's got a gimmick, or several (dating someone to make someone else jealous, dressing up a guy to suit your needs, falling for your next-door neighbor) but what doesn't? It was written by Rob Thomas and I can definitely see parallels between this and his later work(s), especially in the dialogue. My only true gripe is that Nicole's mom and Chase's dad also got together, which is all kinds of squicky. Talk about incestuous. And the song that closes on this revelation is... "Wig-Wam Bam." Catchy song, but... ew.
"Wam Bam Bam / Gonna get you if I can!"
00:50 Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: dvds [t], movies [t], cinema [t]
You know what really grinds my gears
I hate when a good song is sung by a terrible voice. For example, Rihanna's "Unfaithful." The lyrics and music are decent, but she sounds like:
(a) a bleating, tone-deaf lamb that is slowly dying from a slashed throat;
(b) a desperate, begging wino (and not the hilarious, Barney Gumble-like kind, or even like the pathetic, exonerated Abel Koontz);
(c) my caterwauling clarinet playing;
(d) a pregnant cow (which kinda ties in with c)
I stick around for a minute or so for the lyrics, but usually I can't take much more than that and I have to switch the radio station, lest I go deaf. Every time I hear the song I think, "Good Lord, this song would be 2x better if I sang it, and 1,000,000x better if someone talented did." I'm kidding about the first part, by the way. Probably only 0.25x.
Was NASA too busy to brush up her vocals or something? Even Paris Hilton's "Stars are Blind" is better. I mean, holy crap. Paris Hilton.
22:38
Comment! (2) | Recommend! | Categories: music [t], list [t], celebrities [t]
So, I think at this rate it will take around thirteen years to accumulate twenty dollars. Mm, I can almost taste the bacteria-laden bills now!
plaques
22:34 Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: site [t], money [t]
I was on the bus yesterday afternoon complaining to my friend about the impending Brangina baby, that I hope she frickin' gives birth soon because I'm sick of all the stupid news. Then she goes and gives birth on the same day. Derr.
*"Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.
"There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized.
"The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.
"Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:
"Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.
"Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.
"The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.
"Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.
"Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.
"The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.
"This leaves Gilligan.
"Gilligan is the person who keeps them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots.
"Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.
"Crazy?
"He does wear red in every episode..."
02:20 Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: jokes [t], celebrities [t]
[Insert non-sequitar here]
The risk of opening commenting to outsiders.
The person's done it in a few other entries, but this one takes the cake in terms of quantity. I don't like deleting things because I'm a pack rat, and somehow, it applies in this situation.
22:35 Comment! (5) | Recommend! | Categories: site [t]
