people have been annoying me like no other lately.
i guess i'm glad i got these 3 weeks just to be in oxnard and do nothing..
but i need to study ONCE AGAIN..
and try to do soemthing good with my life.

one thing that's annoying me is people that think everything is ALWAYS about them.
they need to wake up because it's not. every now and again it is, but i think what they don't realize is the fact taht the attn that they bring to themselves is not good at all and in fact it's pretty negative.

it's funny how they think that they got someone right where they want them but in reality it's the other way around. you think you're winning when in fact you're losing. don't tell people to not come running back to you about the things they do when you're doing the same thing... you're only hurting yourself.

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i wonder about why i am the way that i am.
sometimes i think maybe i had a messed up childhood.
i remember it, but i don't know how i'm supposed to feel about it.
if you're raised a certain way and that's how your life always was...you don't question it, but if you know something and know that it's supposed to be a certain way than you know how to feel.
when i look back on life, since i could remember, it feels like no one was ever there for me on a daily basis. my parents were always coming and going seeing that their work was more important than actually being there for me and the bro. i know they were just trying to take care of us financially, but i just wish that my parents were the type that asked me about my day when i got back from school instead of them asking how my week was or how my month was.
next year i'll be on my own...but i already know what that's like. i mean it's different because i'll be financially on my own rather than just being a lone [without parents] ...........i honestly don't think i ever had any stability or any regularity in my relationship with my parents and family. that's why i'm heartless and why i think i can do without relationships and significant others.

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my life is a bore.
i feel like i should be doing something fun every single day that it's summmer..but it seems like nothing fun is happening in reality. arhhh! what am i to do with myself?!?

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i'm soo determined to get into the grad school of my choice with the exact program that i want. i'm not taking NO for an answer this time. i can't. and i won't.

my life will be good and as i want it.

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i signed up for GRE test today. it was $130...crazy expensive. i wish it was only like $50. i'm scared now. i don't want to apply to all these grad schools and spend close to $500 only to get rejected. right now i don't have that much confidence in myself but i'm hoping that i'll get lucky and they'll let me in...my parents really want me to go and i guess they have faith in me since their encouraging me to apply instead of telling me to get a job. all will turn out well.

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i'm sad. i pretty much have this feeling memorized. my heart keeps dropping to my stomach at random times of the day, i start to feel sick and i could feel my eyes get watery. i have no idea why. i have no reason to feel like this and yet i do. how do you make it stop?

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