what are you going to do?
Sunday. 7.29.12 10:55 pm
Sunday. 7.29.12 10:22 am
is only person to make me shed a tear in the last ten years.
she's done it thrice in the past twelve months.
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the miseducation of jonathan
Wednesday. 7.25.12 8:14 am
Sunday. 7.22.12 12:59 pm
“I know what you’re trying to do,” I yelled, trying to win a volume match with the Merle Haggard song my mother was blaring.
Momma would look at me, smile, and sing along with the chorus: “Momma tried to raise me better. But her pleading I denied. That leaves only me to blame ‘cause Momma tried” All this did was infuriate me more. She had a staple of old country songs she played over and over again, as if hearing Kenny Rogers croon “Son, you don’t have to fight to be a man,” would make me less volatile in school.
I used to fucking hate those songs.
She’d hold me then, rock me back and forth and tell me how much she loved me. I’d push her away – or at least try to back then. She was strong. A lot stronger than me. So she’d just hold me, tell me I need to calm down lest I end up like my father. His reemergence in my life later on, as well as just general maturity, went a long way in curbing the anger I had for the world. But I credit her with instilling in me an innate sense of justice and a strong willingness to try and do the right thing, fuck the consequences.
Now that I’m older, I often tease her about that when she brings up my reluctance to chase money and follow the path of least resistance. “But momma,” I say,” you always told me to do what I think is the right thing. I know everyone else is set back at school… but I kind of like having my soul in tact.”
“And I bet they like having a job,” she shoots back. It’s a fair – and so fucking accurate – point. These public interest jobs don’t really grow on trees and I’ve really got no idea how or what to do to secure one upon graduation. Shit would’ve been so much easier if I had just opted to interview with a few law firms, gotten a big payday gig, and live comfortably for a while.
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Wednesday. 7.18.12 8:34 am
“I’m scared to see you.”
she texts me late night.
You always are. I’m not going to bite you.. Again.
Don’t be skurred.
That’s impossible though.
Our relationship is going to fuck one of us up at any given time I’ve
One of us? Don’t you mean me?
Right now I’m referring to myself
What are you worried about?
Caring about you ever again.
You can’t control that
I’m so stupid. Haha. When will I learn? Meh
I know what you mean. It kind of feels like I’m walking alongside a railroad track with this relationship. I hear the train rumbling, I know the damage it’ll do, and yet I have no intention of moving.
Ever since we were ten, her and I have waltzed through this square dance, always a bit offbeat and never in tune with the rest of the world. To claim that simplicity accompanied our youth would be fabrication. Nothing has ever been simple with us.
I’m not looking forward to taking this campaign job. Truth be told, I’m already sort of missing Harvard, Cambridge, Boston, and my classmates. I’m also missing my family something awful right now as I write this in a St. Lous Airport.
But, hey, Whatever. I signed upf or this shit, you know? I wanted to leave school – just for a semester, to try and figure out what the fuck I ought to do when I graduate. The plan right now is to do this gig for the next four months, move down to the Texas-Mexico border city of Laredo and do some legal aid work for a human rights organization down there. From what I gather, they mostlywork with migrant farm workers, trafficking survivors, and immigration issues. After that, head back up to Cambridge for the Spring semester, and figure out shit to do next summer..
I reckon I’ll either try my hand at NYC life – get back into working for civil rights and human organizations. Either that or try Florida’s gulfcoast and do what I did this summer in Hawaii and Dallas – domestic violence and child abuse prosecution.
But for now.. I’m going to start a gig that I’m very reluctant about taking in a state I absolutely loathe. One of the two biggest impediments for me to ever truly committing to giving this thing with Caitlin a legit shot is the fact that she’s grounded in Virginia. Her son, the reason that she is grounded to that state, is the other reason.
I just can’t stand that place. Any state that seemingly deifies that ethnic cleansing child rapist Thomas Jefferson is booboo to me.
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I've made a huge mistake.
Sunday. 7.15.12 11:39 pm